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Showing posts from March, 2018

healing?

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Three weeks later.

I still feel fractured.

I'm sure I will for a long time.  I am not crying as much.  Simply at the most inopportune times, like 30 minutes before giving an interview for a local news station.

I am watching all of my precious flowers fade.  Ironically at the time they simply made me realize what I'd lost, now I don't want them gone. I was awake in the middle of the night, pretty sure I slept too much yesterday, but at 1 am, I decided to adult. 

Part of that adulting was tidying up my remaining flowers, there are still a few lilies that are sharp and bright white, and those beautiful purple carnations are still brilliant and strong against the deep green background that remains. As I was cleaning up the lilies, I noticed that one part of the greenery appears to be growing.  I don't know what it is, but the pale spring green leaves against the deeper green of the mature spikes seems to be growing.  I'm afraid to hope that it might be setting roots, t…

unadulting...

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I opted out of today.

I've slept, I've soaked, I've lounged.

I definitely haven't adulted.

There are still piles of laundry.  There is dog debris (thanks Neeko) everywhere from slaughtered toys. Dishes - sink is full of them.  Cooking, no thanks, have a cookie - no cookie - is starving an option?

It's been a rough start to the year. The stress has been unimaginable, the loss unfathomable.  I haven't processed it all.  I am not ready to.

I know that I've been pushing too hard, I've felt it. I'm also rational enough to know that sometimes, there simply aren't options.  The past few weeks, no months, there has not been an option.

Today.  Today I decided had to be that day.

I'm trying to get back to where I want to be.  And I'm simply not there.  I needed to take my car to the shop.  I decided to rest instead.  I'll stress about it later this week. I know I have to do it before the weekend.  I'll take care of it.

I'm starting to …

should be further on by now....

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I'm working on normal.

I'm not sure I am reaching success, but I am working on it.

Yesterday was supposed to be the day off to complete my chores.  To finally catch up on my so called life.

I didn't make much progress.  Hubs wasn't doing much better.  In fact together we might be a happening mess.

We finally have groceries in the house.  I considered that a HUGE accomplishment.  Although we did forget coffee and will definitely have to get that in the next day or so. Neither of us functions well without it. And it did take us most of the day to accomplish it, seems even with a list we barely felt the urgency in the moment. 

I was laughing as we strolled through Costco for a few of our household items that we use a lot of.  It made me think of my Dad.  He always had a thing about the house being stocked enough for the end of days.  He did not like bare or semi-bare cupboards.  Mom will probably not need groceries, except the basics, for months. Hubs and I are the same w…

dripping in butter...

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Lobster.

It's funny the things that connect us, the links to long forgotten memories.  And the calm and peace it can bring to you.

I am not a lobster fan.  I'm not sure why, it's just not a favorite.  I can eat scallops until I am sick, I love them, but lobster, not so much. 

My oldest grand daughter on the other hand.  I'm not sure she's ever met a type of seafood that she hates, but she LOVES lobster. She's only 11, but she's been a seafood fiend for years now.  I remember Hubs and I celebrating the 4th of July with her about 4 years ago, at her favorite Chinese buffet, as she said... "I need my white fish".

My Dad loved seafood also.  Especially lobster.

Last night the girls were back from their spring break and we finally got to celebrate my girl's birthday.  We let them pick the place, knowing that sweet grand daughter was going to vote for Outback - and lobster.

Without a moment's hesitation my girl ordered her baby two lobster tails…

fading...

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All of my beautiful bittersweet flowers are starting to fade.  Each day I snap a picture of what remains, needing to hold on to beauty and memories just a bit longer.  
Two weeks ago today, my Momma sent us the last picture we will ever have of Daddy still with us.  We might still be in denial, but I think all of us looking at that picture knew that he was fading.  Just like my beautiful flowers are now. 
I don't know that I am getting stronger, I am finding moments each day when it takes sheer will power to face it.  Yesterday morning was horrific.  I didn't have the energy or passion for life to even get ready.  I didn't want to face anything else.  I couldn't. 
I did. 
 Through the strength loaned to me by family and friends, I found my groove.  I also admit to a lot of sheer bullheaded determination.  That trait runs deep in the family genes, thank you Lord. 
The box to send some of Daddy's ashes to Artful Ashes arrive in Arkansas yesterday (goodness talk abou…

what we give...

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It's far too early to be awake today.  But I have much to do, so thankful that coffee finished brewing!

Today there will be meetings and scrambling to do good in this crazy world.

We're working on our Annual Campaign, and this year has been an absolute struggle. This campaign is so important.  It allows us to continue to do the great work that we do all year round.  I mean come on, it's the Y!!  We are a place that connects people, that helps you when you need a place to belong and work on your health.  No matter what that need is.  We provide amazing programs to kids in very underserved neighborhoods.  Making sure that they have access to the same things as children from homes with more resources, in fact even more than some of those children get.  We teach reading, conflict resolution, we help mentor them to achieve their dreams, send them on trips, and help them learn about our government and their role in it through Youth and Government.

And that is simply a glazing o…

strolling through memories...

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The sunrise this morning is dull.  There are no vibrant colors to shake off the gloom.  I guess that is a good thing, maybe it is the promise of a bright sunny day?

I could use one.

In a few moments I will go down to my daughters house and take care of her critters.  She's off on one of her annual spring break adventures.  I love that she gives her girls and herself these memories and experiences.  Pretty sure she got that gene from her Papa.

He was always taking his girls and Momma on adventures.  And some of them were absolutely hysterical.  His wanderlust took us all over the globe.  I'm pretty sure my sweet Momma would have been pleased as punch to settle still, not that she didn't enjoy the adventures, but it sure would have been easier to raise us in one spot.

And no matter where in the world we stopped, it was an opportunity for exploration, immersion and learning.  My memories are getting a bit foggy and some of the stories I remember simply from hearing them repe…

how...

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I should be rushing about. 

I know that I am behind at work. I'm behind at home.  I'm just behind at life right now.

And I have zero energy or desire to be actively engaged. 

Everyone loses parents, loved ones, family and friends.

I have a million feelings fighting their way to the surface.  I always knew that I'd been blessed and never really had to deal with much loss. I've always had the dread of how I would deal with it when it finally snuck into my life.

I want to put on my big girl pants.  I want to actively be a grown up.  Today, I'm not feeling the grown up thing.  I'm feeling like a little girl that can't find a center point. I'm feeling lost.

I thought about sitting in my comfy chair while I took a few minutes to center myself.  To find my own middle ground, where I could balance where I am in my heart, with where I need to be in my world.  I couldn't do it.

I'm sitting at the island, surrounded by the overwhelming smell from the lili…

heaven needed a hero...

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Outside it's cold and dreary.  Little spurts of icy hail pellets sprinkling down. 

Inside I feel cold and dreary.  And I definitely feel icy pellets in my heart.

I haven't written in a week.  I've tried. 

It's been the hardest week of my life so far. My memories keep flashing back as far as I can remember and then forward to last Sunday and then Monday.

Running my fingers through my Daddy's soft hair.  Feeling the wrinkles at his eyes from a life time of smiling.  Looking so much like he was simply sleeping.  Wanting so bad for him to open his beautiful eyes. Hating the bitter cold that met my hands, the shiver from kissing his sweet face.

Knowing when I walked away I would never in this lifetime touch him again. I wanted so badly to hold his hands, but they were already folded over his chest and the blankets were up to his neck.  I'm sure there was no need to close his chest, so I am thankful they protected us from that.

Looking at all the pictures and helpin…

all the kings horses...

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... and all the king's men couldn't put Humpty together again.

At 4:55 am this morning I got the call. My Daddy was gaining his wings.  His poor heart tore again, there was nothing they could do.  It was time to let him fly free.

He fought hard. 

He's earned his rest.

The shock, pain and ripples of despair are washing over me, just like the brilliant sunrise. 

I had misunderstood the initial phone call.  More puzzled with each call or text.  I hadn't realized my Daddy was already gone, sitting and staring at my phone waiting for the call that let me know his battle was over.

Confusion overwhelmed me. 

My baby sister so calm and stoic. Asking if I was going down with her today.  Not understanding why she was hurrying to pack, to head down, when he would be gone before she got there.  Not realizing he was already gone. 

Puzzled.  Confused.  Struggling.

I've said good bye to few people in my life.  I have never witnessed the death of a loved one.  Only once have I str…

living in faith...

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Welcome March.  I was hoping to wish you that yesterday.  I've been waiting patiently for your arrival.  The day got away from me and by the time I'd gotten the news I'd been waiting for, there was no time nor energy to sit down and write. 
February was brutal.  I'm still feeling the pain and sting of it. I'm exhausted mentally and physically. I'm emotionally battered.  I'm fighting the fatigue and pain that a fibro flare brings, I refuse to give in.  I might be cracking a bit on the edges, but I am not going to allow any of it to win. 
We've all been waiting with baited breath.  Praying to God and questioning mere mortals.  Dad has been stable for the past week and a half.  He's needed to move to a facility that could close his chest.  A place where he could recover from this nightmare.  
But hospital politics, insurance company games and none of the stars aligning has caused us more problems that solutions.  Until yesterday.  
We almost had him m…