I know that I am behind at work. I'm behind at home. I'm just behind at life right now.
And I have zero energy or desire to be actively engaged.
Everyone loses parents, loved ones, family and friends.
I have a million feelings fighting their way to the surface. I always knew that I'd been blessed and never really had to deal with much loss. I've always had the dread of how I would deal with it when it finally snuck into my life.
I want to put on my big girl pants. I want to actively be a grown up. Today, I'm not feeling the grown up thing. I'm feeling like a little girl that can't find a center point. I'm feeling lost.
I thought about sitting in my comfy chair while I took a few minutes to center myself. To find my own middle ground, where I could balance where I am in my heart, with where I need to be in my world. I couldn't do it.
I'm sitting at the island, surrounded by the overwhelming smell from the lilies. I love that smell! Staring out the window at random times. Watching for a cardinal.
Today I am struggling with guilt. I didn't find enough time over the past year to go and visit. I was busy opening a Y. I didn't coax him to talk on the phone as much as I wanted to, he didn't really like to talk on the phone, it was hard for him. I'm envious of the hours more that my sisters had with him. Wishing that I could have had a few more.
All those silly meme's on Facebook that I look at, like and move on from. Were they really trying to get my attention. Telling me to pay attention more. That family and friends are precious? To take the time. Ironically, one has shown up repeatedly in the past days from all different sources, it's saying to take care of yourself and your loved ones... they are what is important.
Is all the noise in life stopping me from focusing? My dear friend that teaches Yoga, suggested I try an exercise called "legs up the wall" as I am having trouble with my left leg again from lack of exercise, as she thought it would help. I've been trying to do it twice a day. Not only does it help my leg and back, it helps my heart. Because I am taking that little 10 minute window to be still. To stop and allow life to balance out. I'm listening to my breath and focusing on nothing.
Another person very dear to me took the time yesterday to listen to my swirling chaos. To share with me that the blog I wrote about his mom when she passed is very important to him. He rattled off the title without a moment's hesitation. I went back and found it yesterday. To see if I could find some peace in it. I did.
Faith, Family and Friends....
Those are the very things I am holding on to now. I have family and friends sharing different bible verses, calming techniques, shoulders to cry on and strength to borrow. I am truly blessed in this life.
I was looking at all of the flowers in my kitchen yesterday, watering them, pulling wilted blossoms and basking in the scent. I was feeling mournful. They were reminding me of what I've lost. Yet, sweet Hubs put it all into perspective. He held me tight, as we both took in the scent from the lilies and stared at the cross stitch I'd made for my Dad, and he said to not feel sad, those flowers and plants were sent to me by people that love me very much.
Sitting here smelling those lilies this morning. I do feel loved. I think my Dad would be proud that I have been the kind of person that has people in their life to lift them up at times like these.
This is going to be a very long journey. I don't know that I will ever recover from it. But the pretty cardinal that just landed on my deck and looked in the glass door, is reassuring me that I will survive it. I know that I will come out of it a bit different, my life lens is changed - permanently. And I pray that it will make me a better person.
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