Saturday, March 24, 2018

unadulting...

I opted out of today.

I've slept, I've soaked, I've lounged.

I definitely haven't adulted.

There are still piles of laundry.  There is dog debris (thanks Neeko) everywhere from slaughtered toys. Dishes - sink is full of them.  Cooking, no thanks, have a cookie - no cookie - is starving an option?

It's been a rough start to the year. The stress has been unimaginable, the loss unfathomable.  I haven't processed it all.  I am not ready to.

I know that I've been pushing too hard, I've felt it. I'm also rational enough to know that sometimes, there simply aren't options.  The past few weeks, no months, there has not been an option.

Today.  Today I decided had to be that day.

I'm trying to get back to where I want to be.  And I'm simply not there.  I needed to take my car to the shop.  I decided to rest instead.  I'll stress about it later this week. I know I have to do it before the weekend.  I'll take care of it.

I'm starting to feel like the human race - at least in this country is doing just that, we are racing.  I feel like we have become little machines incapable of just stopping for a moment.  There is at least one if not more generations that have forgotten the fine art of balance.

I'm guilty.

I stop to call family and friends on my commute to and from work and appointments.  Not because I don't love them, but because I do.

In exhaustion last night, after a marathon day that started with shopping at 4 am and ended after cleaning up from Trivia at 11 pm, I called my daughter.  I knew she was awake as she was sending me pictures of my youngest grand baby being silly. Unrolling toilet paper, laying on mom, demanding Mom's attention.  I know it stresses her occasionally, I pray she also understands how precious this time is. We chatted until almost midnight.  It felt wonderful.  I felt connected.

I need to do a little better at the work, life, balance thing.  I think I am working so much to avoid life right now.  But I don't think it's healthy at all.

As I typed those words, I paused and looked out the window, the dreariness of the day is like a magnet. And there on a branch near my window looking in was a pretty cardinal.  Beautiful in all of it's brilliant red.  Simply looking in at me.  He flew off rather quickly so I didn't get a picture, it always seems as if they don't want me to. I wonder if it was Dad's way of confirming my thoughts?

I'm trying to find my center again.  I'm not.  The roller coaster is making me insane.  I find tears leaking out at the most inopportune times. And laughter is hard.  I wasn't raised that you must wear black, but anything else feels... wrong.  Now lets preface that with the fact that I love black, it looks great with my skin and hair and I have closet full.  But, putting on anything else with it. It's not working for me right now. Black, gray, navy.  The calm, deep restfulness, feels like what my soul needs right now.



And as I'm sorting through it all, doesn't it figure that mother nature has decided to start bringing out her colors.  I don't want to play.  Not right now.  Maybe later.

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