processing....

I've started this one a few dozen times, maybe more.  The past few weeks have been filled with so much trauma.  Globally, nationally, locally, in my immediate circle.  I am finding myself pulling back, deeper and deeper into my own personal bubble.  I don't know that I know how to process everything I am watching happen.  I don't know that I know how to participate in a world that is so filled with hate and ugly, so full of desperation and anger.  The sense of loss is intense, it's everywhere.  Not all of it is human lives - although that number is far too high and rising rapidly.  

I've had a bit of a head cold for the past week.  Which has left me far too much time to absorb everything around me.  I'm still fighting it, and I definitely shared it with Hubs, I mean misery loves company right?  I've been intentionally blocking things at this point. Pushing myself to stop lying around and feeling miserable.  Making myself be useful, I can be just as stuffy and weary while working as I can laying around.  And when busy, I have less of a temptation to explore the darkness that is swirling. 

As I was making a jar of honey, cloves and garlic for my sister this morning, I had time to think.  In the silence rolling the garlic cloves to remove the skin, it felt like therapy. It gave me time to focus on things that I need to process, things I need to see my way to the other side of.  

Is anyone else feeling that the world around us is dark?  Filled with a density that feels off?  Where people are struggling, lost, unable to find their way?  There are deaths that are beyond tragic everywhere.  I'm not going to play the "whatabout" games that I see swirling.  No murders are okay.  A loss due to suicide is heart wrenching.  I mean I am the person that says a prayer for every animal I see that is dead on the side of the road, so that should help you understand where my spirit is. 

But it isn't even just deaths.  It's the reactions.  Three young people in two weeks have ended their own lives publicly here in our local area.  What in the world is going on?  When did we all stop valuing life?  Not just life the same as ours, not just live that agreed with us, or looked or prayed or... you get the point right?  The young people seem jaded to it.  The old seem weary.  

Personally, at least for now, I am having to pull into myself.  I need to work through the darkness.  And it isn't even just about death.  It's how ugly people are becoming to one another.  

Maybe I am a bit of a hippy, I don't know.  If you are a good, kind, loving person you are my tribe.  You are the ones I want to be around, that I want to experience life with.  If you are dark, hateful, malicious... well I'm definitely not sticking around.  I won't hate you, I won't do things that could harm you in any way, but I will definitely put distance between us. I want us all to live and let live.  I want for all of us to lift the energy, the passion for life, the goodness.  I don't understand the struggles. I am telling anyone what is acceptable, I am simply defining my acceptable. 

I know I'm not a "normal" person in today's world.  I understand that I am different.  I'm starting to question if the world might need more odd balls like me.  I am not trying to win any popularity contests, I don't really care about most of the things that matter so much to folks these days.  Come to my house and you are probably going to be a bit stunned.  I'll fix you a cup of tea, coffee, ice water - you name it - might be a bit lean on alcohol, but hey, we'll manage.  And then we can chat, we can explore tons of topics or ideas.  Just brace yourself. 

It's not pristine clean, it's healthy.  And possibly a bit chaotic for those that thrive on order and perfection.

My kitchen island is where I do a lot of my daily work.  There you will find an assortment of jars.  Some with healing mixtures, a tincture here or there.  Home made dog treats abound. Of course there will be the odds and ends of my freeze drying adventures, the samples waiting to be snacked on or used up. 

On the kitchen table (the one we never eat at) you will find an assortment of plastic plates with my chicken scratch on them telling you what seed is drying where. Currently they are all flowers, I might have developed a mild obsession.  The purple hulled peas finally finished drying and were put in storage jars today, so that space is clear for the next project. 

The freeze dryer is running and I filled trays of freshly harvested produce ready for the next batch.  I'm having to work quickly to be able to preserve the goodness before the season is over.  I want to be sure that my trips to a grocery store are few and far between.  I've become a bit radical about watching the chemicals that we consume, place on our skin or feed the pups. I try to control as much of it as I possibly can I'm tired of being a test subject for companies to make millions off of. 

My spare time is usually spent doing research on a myriad of topics that are no longer taught.  I refuse to throw in the towel and conform to this sterile and controlled world we seem to be evolving into. Learning about things that are important, yet hard to find information on is inspiring and educational. 

For example, Hubs had an appointment with his doc this week, he was curious to see her take on his thyroid.  A month ago, it was as swollen and painful as ever, the medication didn't seem to be helping at all.  I did a ton of research and asked him to trust my crazy.  He did.  For three weeks he's been applying the cream to his neck.  Doesn't seem like a long time does it?  Surprisingly, it's enough time that there has been dramatic shrinkage, to the point his doc took notice.  To the point that after many years of medication, it's possible that he will have it reduced at the next visit in eight short weeks. Sometimes the old ways are still the best.

I crave learning things that we are being asked or guided to forget.  Primarily because there is no profit to it (FYI - every time I see the word profit - my brain shows me a snippet of one of the Star Trek series - I don't remember the characters names - just the green skin and the huge ears - talking about how worthless something was because of the lack of profit - weird).

I will spend hours lost in those crazy, places.  They used to be lonely.  They used to be places where only those of us that are different spent time. Those of us that have never really fit in could spend hours there unnoticed.  Now they are brimming with brilliant people that are blowing the dust off of old texts and digging into the mysteries of the past, questioning and searching for actual answers.  Striving to be more connected to their own lives. It's fun and exciting to explore and learn.

I know I am avoiding the world for the most part, I hate it.  I want to be a part of it, I want to contribute to it's healing, I just don't think we're at the healing stage right now.  For now, I'm staying in my bubble.  I'll create, learn, expand my knowledge base and wait. The past is full of answers to move forward into the future with, if we look. 

Someday, we might just get to that healing point.  To a place where the different ones like me, have things to share with those that are searching.  I'll keep looking for the rest of my tribe and being generous with the ones I find.  Until then...

I unearthed a sweater that I started almost 4 years ago and it is my current project that I focused on completing. 

when you play so hard,
 you fall fast asleep

Don't mind me, I'm over here praying (as is my belief) and doing whatever I can to make this world a softer, kinder more loving place to be.... 

talk to you later... 

stay faithful...

b

enough...

I've been sitting here trying to decide if I am going to write or not.  I'm in a very dark and fed up mood right now.  And I am sure that some of what I am going to write is going to tick off some folks.  In fact I'm positive it will.  So... do I write it?  Or do I continue to let it boil inside me and ruin my day?  

I write for myself, I am going to continue in that vein.  If I hurt your feelings or sensibilities, I'm sorry.  I am beyond fed up.  

Hubs has had a headache for about a week.  It's been one of those that acetaminophen won't touch.  He's tried allergy meds feeling like that might be the problem, I mean every allergen known is running wild right now.  That didn't help either. He has a history of sinus infections, so it wasn't a huge stretch after eliminating the rest of it, to feel that was probably the problem.  

At about the seven day mark, I suggested it might be time to get a doctors appointment.  After spending the majority of the day yesterday trying to schedule one, he was finally informed that the only appointment he could have was virtual.  I mean he might have the vid after all.  Excuse me? 

My temper is off the charts right now.  He has absolutely no symptoms of the vid, he even took one of those "tests", but can't be seen in person.  Nope, not allowed, but hey pay your $25 co-pay and we will schedule you for a video meeting with the nurse practitioner. 

So... let's see if I get this straight, you can't examine him physically.  You can't check his blood pressure, you are taking his word for his weight (when you prescribe him medications - isn't accuracy kind of important there?) and you are going to provide this service? Wait, did I actually use the word service?

No, I'm sorry this isn't service, nor is this practicing medicine.  This is just a further example of our sick care that we are stupid enough to call healthcare. Does the grocery store clerk get to say call it in? How about the gas station attendant?  The trash-man?  The person working at your local fitness center or restaurant?  Just checking!

He received a call about 15 minutes before his "appointment" to get information. 

It went like this:

Nurse: You have an appointment this morning. Can you tell me why we are seeing you?

Hubs: Yes I have an appointment, about 9 days ago....

Nurse: (Interrupting)... did you take a covid test... 

Hubs: Yes

Nurse: When

Hubs: couple days ago

Nurse: are you vaccinated?

It continued on in this manner for a bit... The "nurse" never did listen to why he was being seen, couldn't have cared less evidently.  Then informed him to log on and go wait in the "virtual waiting room".  

You simply cannot make this up!!!  Stop it people, simply stop it! 

Twenty five minutes later, it appears you are correct and you do have a sinus infection.  I will send in a script for steroids and go buy all of these medications over the counter.  Seems you have a history of this. 

I'm sorry.  We paid for you to write a script based on his medical history?  Are you kidding me? 

I'm beyond fed up with what we are accepting as health care.  I'm over the pill pushing and the lack of true care.  I long for the days of doctors that would actually speak with you, examine you and then prescribe a medication based on knowledge, only if it was truly needed.  Not someone that types your symptoms into a computer and waits for it to tell them what you need, that is nothing but a glorified search engine.  And I have literally watched my doctor do that and when questioning about alternatives listened to "well, I don't have any first hand knowledge but this is what is recommended, and most people do well with it."

I am disgusted by how we are being treated.  How about looking at things a bit more holistic... oh wait... the drug lords won't get their money if they do that.  How about addressing all of the crap in our food, our environment, etc... how about that?

I saw a meme yesterday that saddened me to my very core.  It was a bunch of docs in lab coats, with "sponsors" on it.  Asking should they have to wear their sponsors like race car drivers do.  Absolutely!

Never in my life have I seen such a huge proliferation of medical facilities and so much of our society filled with sick and unhealthy people, doesn't it concern you? Why? Why is it that the people that I know that avoid medical facilities are the healthiest?  Think about it for a dang minute... PLEASE!  

I am so blessed to have been seen by a doctor that genuinely practiced health care when I needed my knee replaced.  If I had been seen by more doctors prior to that were all about genuine health care, I may never have reached the point of needing it replaced. But they weren't interested in my over all health, they were interested in putting chemicals of all sorts into my body.  Never addressing my need to become healthy. 

No one stopped to say, let's talk about diet, let's chat about exercise, let's talk about how to change these things and WHY.  Nope, it was take this pill, this shot, this injection... oh add this for inflammation, add this for pain, add that for... Not read this label and look for this, read that label and understand that it will harm you, walk 30 minutes a day, do these stretches to strengthen these muscles which will support... you get the picture. Not one of them prior took a moment to see the damage the counter acting medications were doing to my body, just prescribe, prescribe, prescribe....

Lately I've noticed a ton of advertisements, on literally every form of media I look at for medications, weight loss - drugs, etc.  It's a barrage. Since meeting my knee doctor, I have been in a very different mindset.  I have learned so many things that fly straight in the face of the approved narrative around healthcare. 

Today, was an even bigger tipping point for me. Today, it felt like my eyes were not simply opened, they were ripped open!  That nurse practitioner was nothing but a pill pusher.  She had zero first hand knowledge of anything, for pities sake she couldn't even take his temperature or blood pressure.  She accepted his self diagnosis and wrote a script. 

Because she is afraid of getting the vid?  I thought vaccines and masks worked?  I can't.  I simply can't. Our medical system is becoming an absolute joke.  And if you are a in that field, I'm sorry if you are offended and I am equally sure that at no point do you intend to do harm.  It isn't the people, they are all there for the purest of reasons - to care for people.  To ease illness and help. There are some areas of our medical system that are priceless and full of hope.  

It is the system that is broken. Not the people, not the compassion, the system.  It's how hospitals and "care" facilities are being managed, it's those administrators.  The ones that are hand in hand with the insurance companies.  It isn't those with compassion and love for their fellow man. 

I can't any more, I just can't. 

Please understand that I am not saying do away with doctors, hospitals or anything of the sort.  My own mother has had her life saved by hospitals, my great nephew is alive because of amazing doctors and surgeons, my Hubs and I both have benefited from amazing surgeons that took the oath of do no harm seriously.  

That isn't what I am saying at all.  What I am saying is that we need to look at "health" care differently.  We need to learn more, we need to not be pharmaceutical guinea pigs and piggy banks. 

If you are going to practice medicine, then dang well get your hands dirty, educate yourself beyond the standard texts, question methods and procedures and take care of people.  

Okay... I'm going to shut up, if I upset you... sorry... we are each entitled to think and feel for ourselves.  This is how I am thinking and feeling right now.  And this is not okay. 

love and peace...

I'm over it...

Have you noticed it?  Have you been sitting quietly watching it happen?  I'm guilty.  I think we all are to some extent.  Last night I was furious.  I was weary and worn out.  I tried to write this last night, but the anger was far too evident and unrestrained.  I decided that I needed to breathe, to take a moment and sit with my feelings.  To process my thoughts. 

For a long while now, I have observed the silencing of voices.  I have watched in horror as even my own voice has been hushed for the general peace that I thought it would bring. Because I do not like conflict, I don't like arguments or discord.  Both of those things feel like razors to my soul.  I am rapidly reaching my own personal precipice. I am reaching the point that my own temper is nearing boiling. I am fed up with the things that are becoming the norm. It makes me absolutely sick. 

Last night was when things really started to wear me down, I had a hard time even going to sleep, so much was rattling in my brain.  Who even knows if history is real or simply another make believe story, it's always told from the perspective of the victor, so who knows what is real and what is designed as predictive story telling?  The same thing is true of the news, books, and magazines.  Don't get me started on the brainwashing facilities that we call schools. 

Yesterday I attempted to respond to a discussion on Nextdoor, it was in regards to another proposed new tax.  Because the city is concerned that they are not getting as much income as they feel they deserve to offer you the services that they do.  The mayor himself was in the discussion, saying how it was only fair to local businesses that other businesses outside of our city have to charge us additional taxes also.  I spent an hour trying to reply, to ask questions - their site is horrible, it was worse than typing back in the day of dial up service.  I know it was only their site, because I was bouncing to another site while waiting for the words I'd typed to show up.  After much thought and time I was ready to post.  Only to be asked if I wanted to risk publishing it because it wasn't nice to question our political leaders.  EXCUSE ME?  I read their guidelines once again, and decided that I hadn't violated any of them with my questions and thoughts and hit post anyway.  Immediately my post disappeared.  Evidently asking intelligent questions regarding a proposal that will impact my bottom line is a no go.  No worries, FYI I'm voting no.  I am sick and tired of the continual raise to taxes.  Add up the cost of taxes to every dollar you have... it's staggering. 

Have you noticed that logging into Facebook on your phone you get a notice that you are only seeing "relevant" stories?  I'm sorry, but who gives you the right to determine what is relevant to me?  Groups I have followed for years no longer show up in my feed and I can't force them to, I have to go and look for them if I am interested.  Newsflash, I wouldn't have started following them if I wasn't interested.  And for the record Meatball is a beautiful pitbull that I have followed his whole life, and it's none of their damn business why I follow it!

I have family members, that have blocked family, have shut them down for not having the same basic thought process.  They have been ugly and cruel because of people not agreeing with them.  It makes me sick, absolutely makes me want to throw up.  When did we become robots?  When did group think become the ideal of the day?  When did it become okay to treat others in such a horrible manner simply because you don't see the world through the same lens?

I'm sick of it all.  I am tired of the lies, the hatred, the rhetoric.  I am tired of the insanity.  

One of the foodie channels I follow posted a yummy looking brownie recipe, filled with caramel and all the other goodness.  She had to pull the recipe down.  Not because of the recipe, had nothing to do with the recipe.  BUT how dare she mention that she had enjoyed the half time show in the super bowl.  I mean seriously?  She was verbally abused for that statement to the point she removed the post to stop the ugly.  What is wrong with people?  Did I enjoy the half time show, no, but that is simply because it is not the type of music that I enjoy.  That doesn't mean that I would take away that enjoyment from anyone else, I simply didn't watch it.  For pities sake people... STOP! She ultimately had to pull the same recipe one more time before the haters stopped, even removing any comment about the half time show did not stop the madness.  The final posting was simply a picture of the brownie, nothing personal on her own personal page, because you know haters. 

I am weary of haters.  I feel so sorry for those that cannot see the ugly they are inflicting.  Or the reason for it. 

My sweet Hubs called me on his drive to work.  He was astounded at two news stories that he had just heard, disgusted might be a better one.  Evidently the ATF and the Rockwood School district are pushing the turn your loved ones, former loved ones and neighbors in for not doing what they want you to do.  

"Valentine's Day can still be fun even if you broke up. Do you have information about a former (or current) partner involved in illegal gun activity? Let us know, and we will make sure it's a Valentine's Day to remember! Call 1-888-ATF-TIPS or email ATFTips@atf.gov." 

I'm seriously not even remotely sure how to take this, to process it, to even begin to understand what they are saying here. But I can assure you that every cell in my body went WTF?  And I am not saying Wednesday, Thursday, Friday... I am questioning how the first part of that statement can even exist... 

The school district is encouraging calling the FBI for anyone that does not agree with the school board decisions.  Again, excuse me?  You are elected officials, you are not gods, you need to be listening to the parents not dictating and if they disagree you want the FBI contacted?  You admitted to calling the FBI on parents, because they disagreed with you?  

What in the name of sanity is going on in this world? At what point does the insanity stop?  When do people realize that we are stronger together, that it is freaking okay to disagree on any point and no one has to be completely right? 

There is so much that is wrong in this world right now, so many lies, so much hatred, so much ugly.  Too much heartbreak.  I mean to the north of us they are basically declaring martial law because the elected leader refuses to speak with peaceful protesters... geez... 

I have said it before, but I truly have reached my breaking point.  I will continue to blog. I will continue to give as much good out as I absolutely can. If you need me, I'm here.  I simply need to step away from a lot of the ugly, it isn't serving my highest good.  Is it serving yours?  I will have a conversation and respectfully hear your opinions, thoughts and ideas as long as in that exchange you do the same.  Who knows you may present information that after careful thought and review I will adopt into my own thought processes.  Or we may both decide to respectfully agree to disagree and continue to be friends with a meaningful relationship.  

I move we bring respectful discourse back to the table, we learn to listen with our hearts and realize that we are all being lied to, that we are all being controlled.  I don't know why, but I definitely have a few ideas... 

If you need me, I will be peacefully living my life, engaged in activities that bring me joy, that fill my soul with love and a deep sense of fulfillment. 

To steal a line from one of my favorite german shepherds... "B out"... 

love and peace...

roads not traveled...

Another Monday.  A promise of rain.  A promise of lower temperatures.  And always the promise of better things to come. 

I haven't felt like writing for a variety of reasons.  I'm angry, I'm actually flat out pissed off and I am afraid that I will violate my own rules for my blog.  So I've been sitting silently and stewing on my thoughts and feelings. Trying to decide if speaking my truth will do the very things I have avoided doing for a long time. 

I've also been trying to be busy and helpful around the house.  I am able to move so much better and I am looking forward to my appointment with my surgeon tomorrow. Each day I am able to walk more like a human and less robotic, I am able to stand for longer periods of time, I am able to do more and more around the house.  I have actually been cooking at least 50% of our meals again.  Talk about feeling accomplished.  I'm still struggling with how much longer it takes me to do things right now, the slowness, the need to rethink everyday tasks.  But each day, I feel far more empowered and capable. 

I ran out of sleep around 3 am today, I tried diligently for an hour to fall back asleep, but the world and life were insistent that they were taking over my thoughts. At 4 am I gave up.  Hubs was awake, there was no reason to lie there and pretend that my mind wasn't moving at the speed of sound, finding more and more to ponder when I was pleading with it to hush. But I had slept for 7 hours, the exhaustion from yesterday had me sound asleep by 8. 

So much was accomplished over the course of the weekend, that if felt like far more than 2 short days.  Sweet Hubs got to take his boat out for his maiden fishing trip.  He had wanted to wait for me, but that hardly seemed fair or reasonable.  Instead he spent the wee hours of Saturday down at Trout Lodge with his buddy "slaying them".  The change in his attitude was evident immediately.  I hated not being able to join them, even to just sit on the dock and enjoy the beauty around me, but I knew it was asking too much from a leg that I had already been pushing the limits on. 

I took advantage of the time to finish up one of my hand worked blocks and let my leg rest.  It needed it. It's odd how sometimes being here at the house alone feels like a prison sentence.  I want nothing more than to be able to leave, to go and be part of the life I feel is happening outside my door.  And other times, it feels like a precious gift.  A sanctuary that feels protective, warm and safe. 

I guess I am moving firmly into that chop wood and carry water phase of life.  

I've had to turn off all news and television.  My heart is aching too much.  I am angry.  Thirteen young lives are over.  Most of those young troops that lost their lives weren't even old enough to have their first legal drink.  Funny, we can ask you to shed blood for our country, but our country doesn't feel you are old enough to have a cold one after work - I mean come on you can't possibly be mature enough to handle that before 21. 

There are many times that I get way in my feelings where our government is concerned.  I get so pissed off that people will trade "security" for freedoms.  I become numb when I start to consider it. I would rather be a free human, making my own life choices (good, bad or indifferent) than be a part of a society that marches in lock step at our leaders commands.  For years, I have quietly watched (well unless you are one of my very dear friends that knows my heart).  For years, I have played the game.  I'm getting damn tired of playing the game. 

I am a military brat, former spouse and wife of a veteran.  To me the blood spilled in Afghanistan is family blood.  There are far too many unanswered questions that people are closing their eyes and minds to that make this far less a tragic "accident" and far more likely a planned or assisted event.  

Thirteen families are altered forever.  Thirteen brave young people are gone.  Because of what?  Stupid decisions.  I'm sorry when you are the leader of the country you don't get to make stupid decisions. 

I still am not at a point that I can clearly process any of this.  The fact that it is even happening is surreal.  The fact that people are not opening their eyes, questioning what is before them, boldly asking what the hell is going on?  I am stunned.  I am in shock.  I am mute. 

Each time I see a table set and reserved for those thirteen individuals my eyes fill with tears, my heart breaks a bit more. And yet we continue to let our leaders - the people that should be speaking for us, but aren't even remotely doing it, talk over the hurt and sadness. 

August 26, a mere 4 days ago.  With credible intelligence that it was going to happen.  Oddly enough the current leader of our country had mentioned that ISIS would be a threat very soon, just days before they were. Yet we couldn't even respectfully ask for flags to be lowered in their honor for a full 24 hours.  How hard is that?  We seem to lower them non-stop anymore, for anyone. There is simply too much that fails to remotely make sense. 

I can't change any of it right now. I can pray for the families affected by this.  I can fuss and fidget over the stupidity that is swirling around me.  I can wonder at the level of disconnection that people are displaying.  We've become so caught up in the everyday world, in the sleep, work, eat, sleep world that we somehow feel is what we are here for that we are missing so much of what is going on around us. 

I have strong feelings regarding so much of what is going on in this crazy world right now, but at the same time, I feel my voice is powerless. 

So again back to chopping wood and carrying water. 

I will continue to stand strong in the things that matter to me, I will continue to push where I can, and walk away from things that do NOT serve me and my family. I will continue to pray, because God is far more powerful than all of this. And I will continue to have hope for mankind.  I don't believe any of what is going on is just an American problem, I firmly believe it is a global problem.  We are being led somewhere that we will one day wake up in shock and wonder how we got there. Or maybe so many have already given up their God given freedoms to the point that they will be happy with where they are headed. 

Just like a frog in a slowly warming pot of water, he will eventually die from it, but because it is so gradual he never notices. 

I know this is disjointed.  I know it is rambling.  I am truly trying to wrap my head around a world and country that I do not recognize. 

Thank you for reading, if you are a prayerful person - the world needs you now more than ever.  

I think I am going back to cleaning... I don't have the heart to stay where my mind is right now.... 

touching down...

We finally stopped late last night.  It would have been a much earlier night, but Hubs accidentally put the wrong city in the GPS and after two hours of wild back roads and craziness with our new toy we arrived at our destination several hours later than planned. But we arrived. 

Climbing into bed last night was incredible our insanity had led us to being on the road almost non-stop for two days.  Hindsight being 20/20 we should have probably hit a local shop bought toothbrushes and toothpaste, called the kids and rescheduled dinner and stayed the night.  We simply didn't want to miss out on the opportunity to see them. 

Kind of like driving to Arkansas for a bit of time over two days with the California kids, I mean, you just do it. I would have loved to have gone back for a bit more time with them these past couple of days, but their schedule was simply too fluid and we didn't want to intrude. This was Dad's visit, not ours, so needless to say, we didn't want to intrude. 

These past eleven days have been the longest, the slowest and yet the fastest I have ever encountered in my life. I couldn't write about it for a bit, I had to process it.  I had to be okay with everything. To find the blessings in the missteps and realize that everything happens for a reason.  

The day before we left for our vacation we sold the Harley.  It was a very difficult decision, but Hubs' hip replacements didn't get agree with even a couple hours on the road and my knees made riding miserable for me.  I never did tell him, but the pain was pretty horrid when we would ride, I just kept hoping for the best and kept quiet.  I knew how much he loved to ride. We still had the convertible for wind therapy so... it was all good. 

The first day of our vacation started with the loss of my beetle.  I know, it's just a car, but if you know me well, you know it was very special to me. Hubs and the middle (formerly oldest) grand were out driving while we awaited the Cali kids arrival.  It was hot and humid, time seemed to be standing still as it always does when you are waiting for something amazing. 

The drive to Arkansas had been glorious, it was the first time Hubs had made the journey in the convertible with the top down, the threatened rain never happened and the temperature was perfect!

When I got the call a few hours after we arrived, my heart might have stopped for a moment.  "I've had an accident, we're okay, but you need to come and get us".  My husband and grand daughter in an accident.  My car.  It would be days before it all played out, my beautiful blue bug will eventually be sold for someone to salvage - the damage is mostly cosmetic - unfortunately when you hit a fence at 50 mph and you fly over a culvert a lot of things deploy that make it a poor financial decision to keep it. 

Accidents happen.  And I guess I wasn't meant to have it forever, even if that was my original plan.  I've cried a million tears, I've run the gamut from fear, relief, extreme anger and hurt back to acceptance.  Only positive lessons learned, is my sweet Hubs can be a knucklehead - but only with the absolute purest heart, my grand daughter is a loving human that had the crap scared out of her.  The safety features of my beloved bug, protected my precious family to the extent of only a few scratches and some aches for a couple of days.  And finally, if you are in the market for new car - I highly recommend that final edition collectors version.  Who knew a car could appreciate. 

The Cali kids arrived a few short hours later, which probably immensely helped my ability to process and deal.  Disaster immediately followed by pure joy, is like that spoonful of sugar helping the medicine go down. 

We had two glorious days with the Cali kids, we laughed, we boated, we hugged, we shared joy, we talked about a million things, we shared smiles and more laughter.  It was good for the soul.  I miss my Cali kid so much! I feel whole when I have both my babies with me. 

Somehow in the midst of it all, we arranged our journey home.  Do you know there is a rental car shortage?  Oh there definitely is!  I called every single rental agency in the greater Little Rock area - not a single car was available for over two weeks.  Oh yeah, and a bus trip would be 17 hours and 45 minutes - you think I will ever complain about the 5.5 hours it takes to drive there again? Nope. 

We checked trains to no avail and finally decided we could fly.  Hubs came up with that great idea!  Thank goodness.  As Hubs was searching for flights, I was praying for a non-stop, I don't mind flying - I hate layovers!! He found a lot of great rates (far less than a rental car would run) somehow my numb brain remembered I actually have frequent flyer miles, left over from those precious "pre-pandemic" days when I could fly to Cali to see the kiddo's.  

I am pretty sure that was the moment that cleared the fog, the moment that said stop feeling bad and look at the silver lining waiting for you.  We were able to get a flight home on the day we needed to leave, non-stop and for the outrageous price of $11.20 for the both of us. I almost fainted!  I assure you I kept checking to make sure it wasn't a joke or scam.  Nope, for reals!

With the help of my family we took care of the details of my car, rides to and from the airport, Mom came to the rescue when the tow company would only accept cash, my nephew runs the salvage yard that received it and did everything he could to try and save it. My Hubs and daughter offered to help me fix her.  The blessings abounded. 

And if I had stayed in that fussy, okay bitchy, mood I would have missed it all. 

I was looking forward to the Cali kids coming up here to the Lou, but plans changed.  At first my heart stung, I was rushing around trying to get everything ready.  Looking forward to spoiling them a bit, making his schnitzel and just enjoying some one on one time.  But Dad and his side of the family hadn't seen them in a long while and wanted to hold on to their precious time and the kids needed it too. 

I spent a few moments pouting, my heart hurting.  Simply because I have missed them so. After a call from my girl, I started to heal, I understood. Looking at my to do list, I realized that their decision had given me the blessing of time. I hadn't been sure how I was going to get everything done before leaving to Kentucky to meet up with Hubs' Big Sis.  They had given us the gift of time.  We'd only be in town for two days and had so much to get done before leaving again. 

I received the call that my car was a total loss on the drive to Paducah.  That was a blow to the solar plexus.  I was expecting it, I knew it the moment I saw her for the first time after the accident, but to hear it.  Wow.  It took me about 6 hours to accept their offer.  

More blessings.  Never had a car appreciate before. Needless to say, the pay off allows us to be free of a vehicle payment when Hubs retires.  Mine and his.  I've opted to not get a car, I seriously do not go roaming about during the week and if I am desperate, my girl lives a 10 minute walk away and has two vehicles - she can't drive both at a time, all is good. Besides, in a few short days I won't be able to drive for at least a month.

We had an amazing time in Paducah, who knew such a small town could keep us so busy.  Big Sis hadn't ever been there and she is just as addicted to quilting as we are.  We'd missed her and couldn't wait to see her.  And finally deliver Lucille to her.  We'd planned on doing some sewing while there so we'd taken Sophia and Marty (Hubs' featherweight) with us, needless to say, it didn't happen. There was simply too much to do!  

Hubs and I arrived early, so we explored some to the quirky shops that speak to my heart.  I was able to get a reading with one of my favorites at Wildhair Studio's Rock Shop (if you are ever there... stop in, Susan and her team are incredible and the energy is healing!) My reading was enlightening and healing.  I needed it more than I realized. Christina is awesome if you go!

We found several artisan's shops that filled my heart to the brim.  And sat for a bit in the cigar bar sipping bourbon.  A first for me, but why not. I needed time to show Hubs my new treasures from the Rock Shop, a breathtaking sphere of labradorite (for courage and strength) and of course a new deck of cards. We were simply killing time waiting for Big Sis to arrive, and enjoying our precious time together.  Her journey was a bit longer.

It was so wonderful to have that time together with her.  I love watching Hubs blossom when he is around her, they have spent far too much time apart. And the three of us together leads to a lot of laughter, deep conversation, shenanigans and joy. We spent time swimming (pool was far too cold), talking, laughing, shopping, playing pranks, sipping moonshine (oh yes I found one I LOVE - no I didn't bring any home - another reason to go back!!), wandering the quilt museum, finding yummy places to dine and playing cards.

I hated to see the visit end.  I think that the kids changing their plans was a gift to our visit with Big Sis, it was unrushed and able to be embraced and enjoyed without guilt. It was our treasure!

Side note: HOLY MOSES if you are a quilter, or I guess just a sewing enthusiast in general, Hancock's of Paducah is an experience to not miss.  I believe we were in there for several hours. 

On Monday we finally found the camper of our dreams (unlike anything either of us had thought we wanted) and yesterday we finally brought it to St. Louis.  We were blessed again.  It's a 2019 and has only been used 3 times.  The dealer that serviced it was stunned at how new everything was.  Heck the plastic protection is still on all of the appliances. We are simply changing our recreation - we both love to camp!

Today... Hubs is back at work and I am faced with a house that has been used as a landing pad between journeys, stacks of laundry and tons of stuff to do.  I still need to deal with the few remaining bits for my car, I need to figure out the DOR and letting them know as it was due to have it's license renewed.  I have to get everything lined up and ready for when I have my surgery on the 3rd.  

In other words the world has returned. 

I was talking to one of my sisters during the chaos and she said something so profound to me.  She was definitely part of my mental shift.  I was in the midst of a pity party, my heart was still uneasy, I was feeling sorry for myself.  And she gently scolded me, she challenged me to look at things from a different lens.  I was listing the things that had appeared to be low spots in my life this year.  I was not loving 2021 by a long shot.  The covid/pneumonia and my hospital stay, the month of recovery, the stress of my former career, leaving my job, now the loss of my car and my impending knee replacement.  Yep, I was definitely having a HUGE pity party.  Yet as she switched it up for me it ended up looking like this...

* Hospital/Illness - I survived, I got to deeply rest (I was so exhausted at the time - probably why I got sick in the first place).  I was able to reset expectations of myself, to see myself as something more than a cog in the machine.

* Job - I'm happier than I have ever been.  I have had time to enjoy the things I love, spend time with my grands and family, go on trips that might not have happened, start exploring my future with clear eyes, head and heart.  I have time to take care of myself and my health, Hubs' too. 

* Car - everyone survived without injury, it paid off both vehicles and allowed us to finally make the decision to buy a camper (something we've been day dreaming about), it sets us in a great financial spot for when Hubs retires. 

* Knee - no more pain, the ability to enjoy doing the things I love again. I am able to heal and do my therapies without interruption so that I can heal completely.

If you are using the right lens in life the best things come to you. I was looking at the dirty outside, I wasn't counting the shining blessings inside that are now so obvious.  

I couldn't be more thankful.

It's been an insane 11 days.  We've packed so much into the moments.  The great, the not so great, the eye opening, the heart healing... so very, very much has happened in such a short window of time.  

I'll be honest, I am still processing.  I am still exploring every great thing this journey has brought to us.  And it's brought more than I can comprehend. 

Celebrate your life, enjoy the journey, instead of misfortunes look for what the hiccups prevented you from experiencing. And remember that each closed door was put there to invite you to look for something better that is waiting for you!

from my heart...

I didn't sleep well last night.  It could have been that my mind was whirling (it was) or that I had taken a middle of the day nap (I was positively wiped out yesterday) whatever the reason at 1:23 am I was wide awake. No rest for the weary or wicked. 

I tried all my usual tricks to fall back asleep, read something boring, meditation, pure silence.  It simply didn't work. I guess I tossed and turned enough to disrupt Hubs as he wandered off to the guest room. And yet I still couldn't sleep. 

I usually ignore Nextdoor posts, because the only place worse for hate and discontent than Facebook would be Nextdoor.  I sometimes doubt that it is truly designed to bring people together in so much as it is to shine a spotlight on all the true haters in this world.  The ones that cannot communicate without it evolving into hatred and dislike for a group, an idea, a person, a lifestyle, a... you get the picture.  

Yet, around 2:45 am, still wired and awake I stumbled on a string on Nextdoor that had my full attention.  Since starting this new season in my life, I have pretty much stopped watching any form of news, I used to be a junkie, now I realize 90% of it is simply propaganda for one message or another.  So in my refusal to participate, I had missed the fact that for the second time this year we had a shooting at the mall that is only about 3 miles from our home. 

As I read about it, the immense sadness that overtook me was a bit overwhelming.  It wasn't a random shooting, it wasn't some crazed, doped up human looking to make a name for himself.  My guess is that they were friends or at least companions.  

Both from out of the area, out here because there are so few malls left.  They were in a shoe store and it seems some type of argument occurred.  An argument that left a 20 year old dead and a 21 year old in jail for murder. 

Reading all the comments stunned me.  I personally do not own a gun, nor do you want me shooting one.  I've tried, for someone with great hand/eye coordination, I definitely do not have hand/eye/target coordination.  Just isn't my thing.  I also do not believe that I have ever seen a gun randomly decide to kill someone, nor do I believe that most of the guns that are used in crimes are legally obtained.  If so there would be a lot more dead people, if you think of the number of legally obtained guns. That is simply my opinion and I am not arguing with anyone that has a different one.  Truthfully, opinions are like butt holes, everyone has one, and no one else needs to take yours. I firmly support everyone's personal beliefs. Yet the attacks over guns and the right to bear arms blew me away. 

I was more disturbed by the fact that most people missed the fact that two young men had their lives taken (in two different ways) because one of them felt the need to go shopping with a gun and they couldn't resolve their dispute in a rational manner.  I'm questioning what is leading so many young people to feel so strongly that they can only resolve a disagreement in a violent, permanent manner. Why does life now come with an alt-control-delete button series?

I felt an overwhelming need to pray.  It is the only thing I can do at this point, maybe we need more prayers and prayer warriors.  Pray for a world that is rapidly attacking itself.  Where people are hurting each other without care or thought.  The only semi-positive, and I am using that term very loosely, was that the young man that fired the shot turned himself in. 

How can that be positive?  At least he is taking responsibility for his action. As horrific as it is. 

This isn't about just a random shooting, it isn't about gun rights, it isn't just about rudeness.  Frankly, my heart is hurting for human decency. One of the primary reasons I am staying to myself so much, why most of what I post/share is neutral as all get out or positive stuff, it's because the anger of this world is tiring me out. 

Even in my own extended family people are so polarized they are harming one another emotionally.  They are allowing outside crap to tear apart the love of a family.  

It's exhausting.  And it seems like everything coming up and out is designed to be polarizing, hate-filled, a you against me kind of crappy thing.  One of the most powerful things I have listened to lately I didn't share.  Why?  Because the message would have been lost on many and those many, would have had a "comment" in an argumentative stance. But that gentleman's passionate speech filled my very soul with hope.  Hope in the face of a hate filled topic, there's a concept for you!

The media is a sheer propaganda tool, you don't realize it until you step completely away from it.  And once you do, you have the ability to see that the world around you, isn't the world they are telling you is around you.  They deal in fear.  

For far too many years I pleaded to just see some good news, it's literally all around us, yet nothing ever made the news or if it did it was after all the hate, damage, blood, fear.  For years Hubs made the comment to my plea with "if bleeds it leads".  Truth.  What is the purpose? 

As this world changes, I find myself drawing further and further into myself.  I find myself not wanting to visit or even talk to people I love, because of the hatred I watch being spewed when someone doesn't agree with their point of view.  It breaks my heart. I will also admit there is an irony in my own family that blows my ever loving mind.  I love it, truly I do, but it startles me each time I see it. It's in the way that the ones I never expected to be the narrow minded attackers are and the ones that I expected to see if from it is not there.  

We really need to step away from things.  Take some time alone and away from the world.  It is definitely eye opening.  And then as a race, you know the HUMAN race, we need to start remembering why we are here.  We need to remember that we are the only species that destroys one another seemingly for sport. 

And we seriously need to look at what our children are being taught, the role models they are following, the home life they have, the lessons they are learning and from where.  Because two young men shouldn't have had their lives ended.  They should just be beginning their journeys. They should have been able to say let's agree to disagree, this is stupid. It shouldn't have ended in a pool of blood, families and lives forever shattered and changed.

I am seriously not expecting anyone to agree with me, each of us have our own journey and our own lessons.  All I am asking is that if you read this and you disagree with me, do so respectfully.  Just as I do with your opinions, thoughts and actions.  Do so in love, as I will always do with you. 

As for me, I'm going to continue to pray and meditate and hope that in my lifetime this awful shift that has been occurring can reverse itself.  That love will become far more important than hatred.  That people will start finally looking for the good and celebrating that, because there is a lot of it!

Peace out friends.

into focus...

Ugghhh... I hate when my plans go awry before 6 am.  It is not a good signal to a productive day. In fact it is downright frustrating.  I went to be super early last night, for some reason I was beyond exhausted.  So... of course I woke up super early and full of energy. 

Bonus round right?  Before 5 am I had completed the custom order Hubs needed placed and taken the big guy out front.  I was feeling in control of life, so I decided I might as well get a batch of soap whipped up and curing.  Since I didn't get one made yesterday I figured I would make up for it today.

I was crazy excited too, because I have been wanting to give this Raspberry Ale a go.  I wasn't a huge fan of the scent, but figured it couldn't hurt to give it a true test.  Besides, I was eager to try a beer based soap. I've made one with coffee, one with coconut milk, but never beer.  I prepped the beer about a month ago, it's been down in the freezer ready to go... or so I thought.

Needless to say, I am now prepping more beer.  Because boiled down and frozen did not yield half the amount I needed.

I guess I will be making soap tonight instead.

That little hiccup totally derailed me.  I have other recipes I could have started on, but frankly, I absolutely did not have the desire.  All my ingredients are prepped.  Lined up nicely on the counter where I needed them to be, I didn't want to mess up my plan.

It's not the end of the world, I will just be ready for tonight.  Sometimes it's hard to find the rose colored glasses that I often wear.

I guess it was just a sign for me to focus on something less time consuming this morning.  I do have to be in early, we are preparing for a major renovation starting this weekend and it's time to start getting organized and planning.  Equipment is leaving on Friday, and while 14 pieces doesn't sound like much, it will leave some serious holes and we need to be careful about managing our members experience.  This weekend starts a very long month.  It will be almost non-stop.  But it will be the perfect face lift for our almost 20 year old building when it's finished.

The house smells of warm beer now, Hubs was saying how he's now craving a German Pretzel and a nice beer... brat... although our house definitely has a faint Bier Garden smell. Hmmm... maybe I should take that as an omen.

Actually, I think I will steal these few extra moments of time that I have been gifted with and head up to the sewing room.  I have linen dishtowels that I have been wanting to work on.  My creative soul needs feeding.  It's autumn, I start to feel an overwhelming need to create, to nest as the temperature drops. It doesn't matter it if is sewing, soaping, fibers, wood, cooking, crystals.  I just need to create. 

I know I have said it before, I truly could have been a pioneer woman.  I long for a garden or greenhouse.  I love taking care of my home and family.  Maybe I just needed this extra time this morning to reflect on who I am.  I often get caught up in being who I need to be, that I forget who I am at my very soul.  I neglect the innate nurturer, the creative woman that lives at the very heart of who I am. I get wrapped up in checking off boxes and taking care of life.

Yep, I guess the universe knew what I was needing.  I am feeling calmer in my heart since sitting down to write, to focus on the who and not the what.  I'm still bummed that I am behind on my soaps, yet, I feel refreshed and focused.  Pausing and thinking has allowed me that moment I needed.  While writing I have paused several times to jot down notes, things that have been running free range in my mind that I have been unable to capture. 

I feel focused, I feel calm, I feel ready for this beautiful day!