Yesterday, our personal kaleidoscope flipped to another scenario again. We are in a holding pattern, no surprise there. I almost have to laugh. Growing up a military brat, becoming a military spouse and now the wife of a veteran there is a phrase that you hear often. Hurry up and wait. Funny how true it is. Even once you move into the civilian world. And we are currently navigating both worlds and hoping they line up properly.
Hubs shoulder is a bit more of a mess than we thought. Correction, it is a lot more of a mess than we thought. The original fix is off the table. When a surgeon informs you that they wouldn't consider it for a member of their own family, you probably need to listen. But of course there is always a plan b. And Plan B it is. We are waiting to find out when the schedule will allow it, but Hubs is going to have to have a reverse Shoulder replacement. Part of it sounds far more intense, but a bigger part of it sounds like a far better solution with an incredible outcome. For today we wait. Did you hear it shift?
There have been a lot of shifts lately and I'm just trying really hard to process them all.
Around 10 years ago, I had the absolute great honor of getting ready to opening a new facility. With what was arguably the greatest team of people imaginable. It was bright, welcoming and beautiful. We worked together so well, laughter was usually the language of the day. Shortly after returning home from Pennsylvania, I received word that hurt my heart. It was something I have expected since opening day, but dreaded seeing just the same.
I don't have words to describe the sense of loss of something that I walked away from a very long time ago. But it was there just the same. As I read the texts, and talked to one of the people that had been part of our team, tears streamed down my cheeks. That building was very significant for me. I put far more blood, sweat and tears into it than anything else in recent memory. It ate up time I could have spent with my Dad as he was dying, it took precious time from my family and it was all consuming.
I've spent the past almost two weeks processing, coming to terms with something that I always knew was inevitable. I am going to make time soon to go visit before it closes for good. I will probably take a few pictures to remember it. Who knows. I haven't been back since I left, it was far too painful of a feeling. It had been very important to me. I fought hard for it. I gave up so very much. I remember sitting in my office sobbing when I found out I was moving to a different location. It was so very important to me. As with all things, I put it behind me. Allowed time to seal it off from my memories. Moved on with life. Now all of it is a bittersweet memory that occasionally comes to visit.
Most of that incredible group of people have either scattered or passed away. Time does that. Some live far away, others live close, but the tie that bound us together has frayed. It definitely breaks my heart to think of it. At the same time, I am so incredibly grateful for that time. For the people. For the opportunity. For the memories that will continue to seep through as time goes on.
Yep, that kaleidoscope definitely shifted a lot with that news, moving forward and snapping backwards, trying to focus itself.
My life is so very different now. It's calmer, things rarely send our kaleidoscope spinning. Right now, it's not so calm. It's moving fairly rapidly, bringing the next beautiful lens into place. There are lessons we are learning, opportunities that we are taking advantage of and others waiting to be explored. There is healing, adjusting and restructuring taking place all in the same breaths.
At moments it feels exciting, at other moments it all feels overwhelming, and unsteady. For people that thrive on steady and rhythmic flows to life... well... let's just say our cheese has been moving around a lot lately.
I'm working on something that for me feels big. It feels a lot like the feelings of opening that facility felt. There is uncertainty. There are doubts and questions. Yet, each moment feels like another step forward.
Conundrum is the word that snapped into my mind this morning around 5 am, and it has been living there ever since. I was sitting and knitting, watching the needles moving swiftly around my fingers, laughing at the remains of polish that I am hesitant to removed because I don't want to damage my nails. The bright red tips clashing with or complimenting the deep forest green yarn of my sweater.
Conundrum.
It was there the entire time I was doing yard work, cleaning up the kitchen and showering. Like a drumbeat. I'm sure it will linger a bit longer, until I figure how the next steps in what I am considering. It's pointing out to me the absurdity of what I am thinking of.
I am a deeply introverted person. At the same moment, I absolutely love people.
Sounds like a great theme for a drama or comedy doesn't it. Instead, it is simply the story of my life. It is where the stumbling blocks lie.
Maybe tomorrow I will have more answers. Maybe the path will be clearer. But for today... I have peppers to harvest. Some will find their way to the dehydrator to make a unique pepper flake mixture. Some will either be pickled or candied - haven't decided yet. I have seeds to plant while we have this freaky extended summer. And I have a list of other things. All of them will lend themselves to the next part of the journey. The question is how...
Darn there it is again... Conundrum...
Gotta run...
much love,
b
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