that darn plan b...

When it is all of 18° it's super hard to believe the temperatures will hit almost 50° before the day ends. Watching the sunrise in the shadows on the wall, brings me hope that the day will get there. I was stuck in a world of gray yesterday, needing some sunshine.  I did get a batch of soap made, it is a bright and vibrant orange - Turmeric and Orange.  The combination of color and scent is incredibly uplifting.  

I also finally decided to dry the oranges I'd bought.  No one has been eating them and I didn't want them to go to waste.  I've never dehydrated oranges before so I have no idea how long it will take for them to dry, it's been about 20 hours so far and they aren't dry yet, although progress is happening. I am fairly sure I am in love with the scent filling my home as they dry.  Again, there is the vibrant orange color and that heavenly warm season scent that is filling the air.  

Combine all that orange with the sunshine and it definitely feels like a beautiful spring like day is getting ready to happen.  I need it. 

Things got a bit wonky yesterday and it felt like the world was going to flip in a moment. I realized that even though I am definitely the person that always had a plan b ready to go, I might have let that slip a bit in recent years.  My plan b felt super weak and not at all safe yesterday. I'm definitely going to be working on making a few adjustments to plan b. 

I also didn't feel that I handled my response in a great way.  I let my feelings show over my wisdom, so much so that I removed myself from the moment and took a hot shower and had a long chat with God.  I am a firm believer that I can do all things through him and in that moment in time, it was where I needed to lean.  

I am one of those people that will cry when I am angry.  And honestly, if pushed to that point by anyone, the odds of me ever being OK with the reason are pretty slim.  I will forgive the action, I struggle to ever forget.  Yesterday was more about my anger at someone else's self-centeredness. Is that even a word?  Or just a feeling? I was at the point of ugly crying I was so mad. 

As I stood in the shower, using every bit of hot water, I found myself releasing it all to God.  Just as I have done with many situations in my life.  I felt my anger leaving, I came to acceptance of the situation and was starting to adjust my mental state.  That will take a bit longer, like I said that plan b is currently super weak. 

I'd just gotten out of the shower, brushing my hair and calming when Hubs came upstairs with the biggest grin and showed me his phone.  Grabbing my glasses, yep can't read anything without them that isn't at about a 24pt font, I was shocked at what I read.  Unsure, disbelieving I read it several times.  During the time I had been showering and conversing with God a complete reversal of what had sent me into a tail spin in the first place happened. 

I found it ironic that my sweet Hubs was the one reminding me that I am always the one telling him that God performs miracles great and small every day. I admit, I felt a bit sheepish at my initial unwillingness to believe my eyes, my humanness was definitely in control by that point. 

Thankfully, at this moment in time, the very thing that caused the chaos appears to have shifted a different direction, but the feelings it left behind are uneasy and lingering.  The message was loud and clear, I definitely need to work on the plan b. At any moment things can shift or change and if you don't have alternate plans and ideas to navigate the uneasy spaces, then you are left adrift and lost. 

This world is really unbalanced lately.  There are things happening at a rapid and uneasy rate.  Yesterday had me to seriously questioning how ready any of us really are for sudden and unexpected changes and difficulties. In our case it wasn't anything truly earth shattering in the long term.  No one was sick or dying.  It was simply the possible shift into unknown and unexpected changes, that neither of us were prepared for.  We'd discussed the possibilities many times, but the impossibility and improbability of those events seemed so far away and so unlikely that we hadn't really planned with that in mind. 

I'm sure those situations happen to a lot of folks all the time. We could recover from it fairly rapidly, but it would have been a miserable situation. How many folks can't recover?  How many times do things creep up that aren't expected and it changes things to the point that there is no recovery?  

I wasn't as able to bounce back to a good state of mind as Hubs was.  I was still stunned and angry that anyone could be that arrogant and insensitive. I see the person responsible with very new eyes now, and I am struggling super hard with it, the complete disrespect for Hubs is hard for me. Hubs is a far kinder and accepting person, he has already moved forward.  Me? I am slowly taking cautious steps forward.  

As a result the wheels fell off my bus for a good chunk of yesterday.  I ended up just searching for soap recipes, not making any more.  I never found my way into my sewing room. For a bit, my day stopped being productive or enjoyable. 

Yet, the sun rose this morning.  Things are back in the realm of blessings and less in the realm of humanness.  I need to work on counting the blessings more and seriously working on that plan b. One of my favorite YouTube channels is Dutchsince, he forecasts earthquakes and is crazy interesting. At about the three quarters mark in his video's he always says "do you have an earthquake plan?" Oddly that line is all I can hear in my mind this morning, Do you?  Not meaning an earthquake plan, although living on the New Madrid fault line for us it isn't a bad idea, but meaning a plan b.

If that unexpected moment that shakes your plan a to the ground happens, do you have a solid plan b?  Is it one that you can step into without a moment's hesitation?  Or is it similar to mine currently... where it will happen but the bits and pieces would need time to come together.  

Things are looking brighter and the glow from the sun is warming my neck and my heart.  In all of it God is in control, we need to be sure to keep praying, and then following the words our heart hears.  My heart heard the wake up call.  I've got some serious planning and actions to get busy with...

Enjoy the day and even if you have to create artificial sunshine for your spirit (thinking oranges) don't give up.

love and prayers...

the calming...

The first fire of the season is warming my toes, the crackling is so soothing to my spirit and soul.  Perfect way to spend this cold autumn Sunday morning.  Hubs offered to make me one outside, I wimped out, 40° is just too cold for an enjoyable bonfire.  Thank goodness for my fireplace.  

I haven't really been in a good spot for writing lately.  There is so much going on in the world that I've adopted more of a non-participatory stance.  Observing and watching quietly from my small corner of life. I've been busy with all of the things that are important to us. 

This morning, I'm enjoying the fire before I get busy for the day.  Autumn is definitely here and I have been a bit lazy.  It's time to put up more soups, I picked up some beautiful butternut squash the other day at the market, some of them are destined to become soup.  Some will be roasted and other's will simply be cubed and canned to roast at a later date.  I also have an entire bushel of apples to tackle.  Hubs was doing a darn good job of wiping out my applesauce stash.  When things are in season you make the most of it. 

As it warms today, I am going to harvest what is left of the green beans, okra, tomatoes and peppers, those will all find their way into soups.  It's getting really cool at night already, the forecast is dipping into the mid-thirties at night, before long we will have frost.  I'd hate to waste any of my hard work.  

I'm considering trying to over winter a few of my pepper plants.  I've seen several great video's and articles on how to do it.  They all did so well this year that I would definitely like to give it a try. Just not sure where I will let them hang out.  I might see if Hubs has any window space left in the man cave.  If it works it would be a complete game changer in terms of how long I have to wait each year for them to finally bud and produce fruit.  Who knows maybe someday I will give in and build a greenhouse. 

I'm fairly sure between soups simmering on the stove, the soft cinnamon and apple smells and the fireplace, our house if going to be filled with the smells that simply provide comfort and a sense of calm. 

This truly is my favorite season of the year.  I like all of them to varying degrees, but this one, while being the ending of the cycle before the winter rest always feels like a beginning to me. Maybe I associate it with the start of the school year, making it a beginning, I'm not sure. For as long as I can remember it has felt like the shift.  The start as opposed to the final act. 

I find myself having more energy for doing more things, I want to spend hours outside absorbing the beauty that surrounds me, cherishing the moments.  The pups seem to agree with me, as they are always up for an adventure.  And will gladly spend time frolicking anywhere we take them.  I keep finding new parks that we haven't explored yet, so they can have new scents and experiences. 

I also find myself wanting to work on my home, insuring that we have everything we need before the winter months approach.  That must be something in the DNA, maybe I am a bit of a pioneer girl at heart, I'm fairly positive that I will never fit into this crazy modern world of ours. And I'm finally comfortable with it.  I have finally reached the point that I have quit trying to fit in.  Love me or leave me, I am simply going to always be a very old fashioned woman. And I'm truly okay with it. 

In fact I'm thriving in it. I never wanted a career, I was always drawn to taking care of my family and home.  Unfortunately our modern world prevented it for a very long time.  I am often saddened that I missed so much time with my kids, that I role modeled the wrong values.  But... they are both successful people in ways that make them happy, so I can't have been too terrible of a role model.  Now I am happy being a stay at home dog mom, doing the things that make a home for my Hubs and I.  I am finally okay with it, I am finally in a good space.  

Well, the fire is starting to die down, the sky is starting to lighten and the promise of a new day is at hand.  Hubs should be wrapping up the work projects that he has spent the morning engrossed in and will soon be wanting breakfast.  Yep... time to start the day... 

love and prayers... 

changes...

I started the day in a state of angst.  I was frantically looking for a new hairstyle.  I know that doesn't seem like something to get worked up about, I mean it's hair, it grows.  A bad hair cut is not the end of the world, right??  I decided almost 10 days ago that it was time for something new.  I booked the appointment for this morning and just like that the anxiety started.  I am a fairly plain and ordinary woman, but I do have pretty hair.  I feel blessed to have thick, naturally highlighted hair (or wisdom highlights if you prefer).  I also hate change, while I sometimes crave it, and hate it at the same time. 

After losing so much of my hair post virus/pneumonia last year I was over the moon happy when it started growing back in.  I was a hot mess losing my hair.  At the time it felt like a large part of my identity. It wasn't until I accepted that I might lose the majority of it and had decided that if that happened I would just rock bright colored head scarves that I felt like I was emotionally healing.  

Until I decided to make a change.  I don't know why I felt compelled to do it. I can't begin to even guess what was going through my head when I made that decision, but once committed... I was like bring it on! And that is about the time I also started questioning what I wanted to do.  I am aware that I am not a youngster, I wanted easy without sloppy, have you seen the suggestions for hairstyles for over 50??  I should also note that I am definitely NOT someone that will commit to much time maintaining a hairstyle or putting on make-up. Just not worth it to me. 

By this morning, I almost decided to cancel my appointment.  My hair turned out this morning (isn't that how it always goes?) and I still hadn't decided on the cut.  I even jokingly told Hubs I was going to shave it all off (that is a total joke, because I am never going to shave all my hair off willingly) he was not remotely amused.  Nor do I believe he was amused by the picture of what was cut off laying on the floor.  I'm fairly certain he was wondering if I'd carried through with my joke. 

I don't have any idea why a simple haircut is enough to make me insane, but it is.  One of the reasons I rarely change my style, my anxiety is simply too much if I do. I will admit to being fairly insecure and wondering if people will judge.  The mature side of my brain says who cares if they do, the little girl quietly says "I do". Truth is I don't ever think about my hair unless I am currently in front of a mirror. 

And then I wonder, I worry and I stress.  

Luckily the young lady that cuts my hair is amazing and after looking at a few possibilities and ruling each of them out for a variety of reasons (mostly knowing I am not going to take the time to fix it) we settled on a change.  It's not huge, but it made me happy.  I felt like she had created enough change for my longing to be satisfied but not so much that I was a basket of regret. Which would have happened if I had shaved it all off.  

I can't be the only person that worries about being judged.  I think all of us do to a certain extent, even those people that come off as super confident or even narcissistic. I am not sure where that comes from.  I can't see dogs worrying about how their hair looks.  Does the collar match my hair color?  What is the poodle down the street going to say if my human put the black leash on with the brown collar?  How will I show my face?  I don't think they notice when the step in mud or have leaves stuck to their coats because they were rolling in the dirt.  Yet us humans... we have such anxiety over it all. It's crazy. 

As I checked to see what magic she had worked, and trust me I am all about the magic factor, I took a deep sigh of relief.  Somehow between twenty or so pictures, a lot of conversation and tension, she'd managed to create what I was hoping for.  All the anxiety was gone.  I was happy with the end result.  Ironically, I also managed to even forget that I'd had it cut a few hours ago, until I happened to walk past a mirror and notice it.  

All that angst and anxiety was a completely internal struggle, a quest to be accepted and to avoid a negative judgement that I made up in my mind.  No one is paying that much attention to me and my life, they are all busy wrapped up in their own angst and anxiety. 

I think we miss that part of the scenario, at least I do.  That little devil is sitting on my shoulder reminding me that I'd better measure up to everyone's expectations, when the reality is that no one else is judging me, it's only me.  Just like I am not wasting precious time and energy judging anyone else. If I can't remember the fact that I chopped a bunch of hair off a few hours ago, why would I think anyone else would remember it? 

it was time...

I'm probably good for at least six weeks of not worrying about that trivial thing.  I wonder what my next anxiety point will be.... Or maybe I am finally going to learn to not worry about silly things... What's your bet?

gotta run and finish a few things up... 

love and peace...

eyes of a child...

Puppies are finally snoozing, Hubs just went up to try and catch a nap, and I should head downstairs to unquilt the quilt.  Instead, I'm sitting by my roaring fire, drinking my now cold coffee and listening the the winds blow the wind-chimes and move things around on the deck. I know the puppies have been asleep for about 30 minutes, which means maybe another 30 and it will be time to potty, eat and play... their daily routine.

I don't know about you, but yesterday was definitely a struggle day.  All day long.  I was grumpy, out of sorts and out of motivation.  It wasn't until late afternoon that I even remotely decided I would consider participating in the day.  And truthfully, that probably had more to do with my silly text messages from the  4 year old.  When she called to come over the world started to shift. 

I'd spent the day mad at my knitting and was debating on tearing it all apart.  When all of the sudden, I felt strongly about finishing it. I'm also not going to try to match the stripes, because evidently no two balls of this yarn are exactly alike.  As I spent the afternoon searching for another pattern or sweater to make with this yarn I stumbled on a designer Sirdar and every sweater was done in striping yarns and not a single one matched.  Oddly, I found it calming, like it was okay to not be a cookie cutter pattern.  I realized that even if this isn't a beautifully, machine striped, mass produced kind of sweater, it was going to beautiful in it's own right.  

I actually found several designers that didn't worry about that kind of insanity.  It was so freeing, liberating. Once I unblocked that part of my mind, I was able to look at the pattern and the sweater with fresh eyes, I could see the rolling ocean that my mom saw.  I could also see where I was stuck and managed to unstuck myself. 

My problems were pretty trivial yesterday.  I mean, I was throwing a full sized tantrum over a quilt and sweater.  I have loved ones that are dealing with mountains.  With family and friends in the hospital fighting for each day they are alive.  My tantrum was a bit ridiculous. As I sorted through my fit, played with my adorable pups and then had multiple tea parties with the four year old and her stuffed animals I felt calmer, more in-touch with what is really important. 

Her best workout pose/face!

As I was cooking dinner I asked the four year old what she would like to eat, to which I was told she disliked most everything I offered.  I felt I had scored a home run when she decided she would be willing to eat some noodles with butter, salt and pepper.  I wasn't so sure it was a complete meal, but at least we'd come to a conclusion that I had something she liked.  She'd left the food her mom had put together for her at home. I finished cooking the chicken I had prepped for Hubs and I, and even though she informed me that she did not eat that, she was quite interested in it and decided she could eat it as it smelled great! 

As I prepped our plates and she helped me set the table she kept repeating how good it smelled and I am sure she was hungry because she dug in immediately.  Let me tell you when a four year old praises the dinner she wasn't going to eat as delicious and that she loves it so much... well you feel like a chef at a top restaurant catering to royalty.  

Hubs was super tired and went to bed early, but little one wasn't ready to go home, so she and I had so many conversations, tea parties and she helped me with the puppies, she was even planning spending as much time as possible here this weekend.  It fills my heart to overflowing.  A month ago, I couldn't bribe her to come over.  Now she is here and happy so much it's wonderful.  I'm sure her mom doesn't mind a couple of hours of peace, as little one can be a bit busy and with mom, very clinging.  

I think she completely changed my mood when she asked for one more tea party before she went home, I am not sure she expected me to say yes because she actually danced to the kitchen to tell me she loved me and I was the bestest.  That is high praise.  It was the perfect end to a not so awesome day, and selfishly, it was all mine.  I hate that Hubs missed out on that fun, but I am so thankful that it was all mine!

As I laid my head down, my prayers for those in need still echoing in my mind, I honestly felt a bit guilty for the lack of faith I had in life yesterday.  I wasn't the only one, many of my friends and family had the same kind of day.  Yet, I felt guilty for feeling those stupid little challenges were worth the stress and anger they caused me yesterday. 

I'm starting this cloudy, cold day out on a totally different foot.  Hubs stayed awake with the babies so that I could get some rest, I am in a much clearer mindset.  Although I am still not happy that I have to unquilt the quilt (that might wait until tomorrow so I am ready to mentally face that challenge).  Today feels like a gift stretched out before me, it feels like a cozy blanket to dream under.  

I hope this day is better for my loved ones.  I know the strain is heavy at times. 

love and peace...  

tangents...

I am really enjoying this mild bit of morning weather we are having.  The cooler temps mean coffee in the treetop garden each morning.  Sweet Hubs has it down to a science, including what footstool and pillow to bring so that I can spend the most time possible out there. 

I might have slept in a bit this morning, so I missed the sunrise, although sleeping for the majority of almost 10 hours was a true blessing.  I feel rested and energized today. Which is good news I have company coming today. I can't wait!

I even managed to navigate the edges of the garden this morning and care for a few of my plants.  I am going to have Hubs help me string up one of the red peppers to dry by this weekend.  It's the only one truly ready to pick, so it will air dry.  The rest might dry in the dehydrator. There are about 6 of them that will all be ready in the same window of time. 

It felt good to be able to do some of my "normal" stuff this morning.  I will even admit to doing a bit of my normal stuff yesterday, now that Hubs knows and I won't get into trouble.  I managed to figure out how to do a lot of my ironing, and he was such a sweetie about putting it away.  It felt so calming to sit there and gently coax weeks worth of wrinkles out of the fabric.  To feel like I was nurturing and caring for sweet Hubs, giving and not just receiving.  My guilt about not getting it done before surgery was evidently stronger than I realized. I might try to finish up today, we'll see.  Like I said, I have company coming and I am quite excited about that. 

I had gone almost 24 hours without doing the intense part of my therapy when I did it yesterday.  Note to self, don't do that!  I am now committed to making sure I don't miss a single one. Because 12 hours is a long time, even if it doesn't seem like it and 24 is an eternity when you are trying to reeducate your muscles. Last night's therapy was brutal and the aftermath felt like day one again.  I need to keep that first and foremost in my mind.  It wasn't that I didn't want to do it, frankly it feels amazing while I am doing it (afterwards - well... that's a bit of another story). I was exhausted the night before and fell asleep before doing my therapy and then Sweet Hubs had to leave so early and I wanted a shower more than I wanted therapy.  Frankly, I figured it wasn't a huge issue to push it off.  Lesson learned. 

I also discovered yesterday, that no matter how tired I start to feel while sitting here, if I just get up and move around I find energy.  Armed with my hand-stitching beside me, I spent the day pleasantly forcing myself to stay awake.  And I made it until almost 8 pm.  The big girl lessons helped me sleep good last night.  Although, I never realized that my upstairs simply isn't that large.  It always felt HUGE, but when you are walking in circles, it isn't. 

Patience... two weeks ago I was a quarter of the way through my surgery. Today, I was in my garden having coffee.  I am learning to be calmer and to have more patience.  Not sure I am there yet, but I sure as heck am trying!

I caught a glimpse of the news yesterday.  My heart ached.  So much is going crazy and wonky in our world.  So much is the fault of people not giving respect, compassion and understanding.  I feel we have a few too many powerful people that simply want to play God.  They want to decide, force, create what works best for them and the rest of the world is expected to play a supporting role to their grandiose visions. 

My heart is breaking for the situation in Afghanistan.  And maybe not in the way one would think.  I am not an Afghan, I don't know what their hearts want.  Maybe they feel comforted being "ruled", be it by a government supported by outside troops or by the Taliban.  I don't know. The fact that little resistance has been mounted to prevent what has occurred leads me to believe their hearts were not in it. 

That is neither here, nor there.  My heart is breaking for the thousands, upon thousands of lives that have spent the better part of 20 years fighting for and protecting a space of land so far from our own country.  For the young men and women that have given unselfishly, at the request of their country, far too many paying the ultimate price and even more that live with the scars of it all every day. 

I am angry. 

I'm angry because the more I learn, the more I am opposed to our intervention in any wars. Did it keep us safe?  Who knows, I am inclined to believe there are deeper questions that need to be answered before we will ever know. 

I know far too many of the people that bravely defended this country's wars too many times when it seems to be nothing more than a political game.  This feels no different. 

Sitting here in bed, I have far too much time to think, to ponder, to question.  Too look deeper than the media talking points (have you noticed that all of the channels say the same things at almost the same time?).  I am questioning the value of so much loss. 

Honestly, I am probably not the type of person that should have this much time.  At any rate, I have been praying extra hard for those that unselfishly have served our country in this latest political game.  I have been sending them tons of healing love and light.  They are true heroes.  Our troops have always been our pawns in a global game of chess. They are the ones that give all, we lose them daily to suicide because what we as a country selfishly asked is more than they can stand. 

Sorry, guess I getting off on a tangent here.  I just get so angry. And I fear for them.  Too much feels like echo's of the past.  Too many fragments of history are peaking through this current situation. 

Too many times as a military brat I have witnessed what is happening now.  To the older generations, to my own generation and to the younger ones.  I have classmates that perished defending what our politicians decided was important, stirring people into a fever pitch of patriotism for their desires.  I have watched my children's classmates leave for parts unknown, they came back, but as different people. Sweet Hubs and my ex both stepped up to the call, both experienced things that altered and changed them. For what end? Or better yet, for whose end?

We are sneaking up on the twentieth anniversary of 9/11.  Are the current world events setting the stage for another crisis?  Another rallying call for young American's to rush to the world stage and lay down their lives? My faith is getting thin, my trust of the selfishness of politicians is wearying. 

I am trying to focus on the mundane right now.  Trying to deliberately draw inward.  Because I cannot impact the world.  I can impact myself, my family, my dearest and closest friends and family.  I can give love and understanding unconditionally.  I can encourage them to do the same. 

Can you imagine the impact if we all focused on doing good?  Doing things that impacted the here and now? Not globally, not something the media is telling us to look at and do, but what our own hearts and eyes are telling us needs done. 

Think about the impact. 

Instead of fussing at a neighbor for their lawn being too deep, maybe offer to mow it, who knows they might be dealing with a huge issue at work, in health, or it might be as simple as their mower broke and they haven't been able to get it fixed. If we notice a neighbor not around much, maybe checking in. 

I miss the world of the front porch.  I miss knowing when someone needed help.  I miss using our own skills, time and talent to help each other, not hurt each other.

I personally do not believe our world is in as bad of shape as the media wants us to believe.  As politicians push the narrative to make us believe.  When you turn off access to those things, you find yourself thinking far more locally.  You notice things. 

The Afghan people will decide for themselves what world they want.  As it should be.  If it is important to them, they will rise up and push back.  If it is not important, if they are comfortable in the world that is theirs than it is not our issue. 

What is our issue, is caring for those nearest to us. 

I remember when my girl was in fifth grade and she noticed one of her classmates never seemed to have clean or well fitting clothing.  She found out what the issue was (single mom, living in a tiny trailer with no washer/dryer and very few resources) and she took it upon herself to solve the problem. Each day she would take another outfit from her closet and take them to the young lady to wear.  She was always careful to take things that she'd outgrown, so I wouldn't notice them gone, and she'd meet her in the bathroom before class so that she could change unnoticed. 

I remember being so proud of her.  She wasn't doing it for attention, just the opposite, she was doing it in secret.  But she cared.  She's grown into a crazy, lovingly insane woman that still does those very things.  Her family is a collection of those she's birthed, those she's rescued and those she's absorbed.  The one thing I will always say, is it is full of love, compassion and joy. 

Especially right now, be aware of those around you.  Take notice.  Are they hurting?  Are they lost?  Are they living in fear?  I've been sharing some amazing ideas that keep popping up on Facebook (yeah I know ironic) that focus on caring and love for those around us.  Spend a few extra minutes being present for those that are sharing the same story for the hundredth time, they have a need that they might not know how to voice.  Listen with your heart.  For our troops current and past, be that calming space where they can process what they are going through. Far too many of them are probably feeling a bit used right now.

I recall working the USO in the evenings after work, just about 19 years ago.  When those few precious hours were the only time they were able to call home, to connect with family.  I remember sitting and talking with men and women, who willingly stepped up for those first steps into the middle east and Afghanistan.  

I have two head scarfs tucked away in a closet, they were gifts from a news crew that was passing through returning from Afghanistan.  They'd arrived unexpectedly and my ex called and asked if I could fix dinner for them.  I don't remember much about the visit, but every now and then I come across those scarves and remember the feelings. 

Please be that comfortable space.  Not just for our troops, but for everyone.  The energy feels hard and divisive right now.  We alone can make it soft and accepting. 

We really do need to bring back our "front porch".  We need to gather again, not tucked away in our backyards, but out in the open.  We need to invite people back together.  Our children need to feel comfortable hanging out in our neighborhoods, we need to feel comfortable together.  We need to enjoy spontaneous fire pits and sunsets.

We need to come together.   

I just can't!

So, I just did a thing, sort of...  As I was typing my blog a random thought that I needed to share with my son about an issue he's been dealing with popped into my head.  I didn't want to lose it, so I switched over to messenger to send him a note. While I was doing that, I saw that a family member decided to post on something I shared. 

As soon as I saw it pop up my head started buzzing.  I heard my inside voice saying, don't look at it, it will be something negative. Because it always is, it's always biting or passive aggressive when they comment.  It's frankly exhausting.  I don't even know this person, I haven't been home in over 22 years, things like these comments are what make it a distasteful thought to go home.  I don't deal well with the self-centered. 

But restraint isn't my strong suit so... I opened it. And of course they took the entire statement into the space they are living in.  I get it.  I can even respect their thoughts and their fears. The irony, it is a far broader topic than they decided to land on. In fact the reason I shared it was because it was profound for me.  It made me think of many times throughout my life. 

This is the post. I was not thinking of current events, although I feel bullying is at an all time high.  I was actually thinking of all types of bullying when I shared it. How many of you remember being a kid?  How many of you experienced those moments of being shy, uncertain, learning to navigate life.  Did you get pressured to smoke, drink, try drugs, date the wrong person, have sex before you were ready, drive too young, go clubbing, go against every single rule your parents laid out for you?  I mean those are just a few examples. If you didn't do the things, you were in jeopardy of being labeled a nerd, uncool, socially awkward, etc. 

To me that was the true essence of this quote. And the reason it was so powerful, is because I was that uncool and socially awkward kid.  I dated and hung out with some of the cool kids, but I was seriously someone that very few remember.  Because I simply didn't do the "cool" stuff, I have always followed my gut and inner voice. And while at the time it might have seemed stupid, at the season of my life, I am very thankful for that inner voice.

I am a questioner, I need solid answers and proof.  Please don't quote "science" to me, because if you look back through time, "the science" has led us to some pretty dark times in history. Lobotomy anyone? Leaches and blood letting? Cigarettes? More medications that can be counted. Science is ever changing and sometimes you have to wait a good while before you see the truth.  I will need to sit with an idea or suggestion for a good bit.  I will need to know in my gut that it will be something I am okay with. 

I have always been that way. I will always be that way. I will always question and research everything.  

I am simply tired.  I am tired of people thinking things like that are simply okay.  I can respect and honor your thoughts, decisions, ideals... but you can't do the same for me and others?  I don't like passive-aggressive bullies.  I do not have the time of day for them.  Want to have a discussion with me?  Please reach out to me personally, we will probably agree to disagree, but it isn't something the world needs a ringside seat at. 

Each of us is born with free will, how much or how little of that we choose to fight for and retain, that is a very personal choice. I know I am far too strong willed to ever give up my free will without a fight. We are all on a journey in this life, a path.  We have things to learn, we have experiences that we are meant to have.  All of these things are very, very personal and a choice that only we should make.  

It can be something simple, this car or that one, house, apartment or yurt for pity's sake.  Or it can be far more complex and detailed. Divorce or work it out, what state or even country to live in, schooling, children, medical treatments, career etc.  All of those are things that at times you can be find yourself scared, bribed, pressured or guilted into making a choice that does not align with you as a human and the journey that you are on. I am sure that is only the tip of the iceberg, that each of us could add many experiences where we found ourselves being pushed in a direction that was not right for us. 

It applies in so many instances in life.  Ask anyone that is in an abusive situation if they are living their best life, ask them what their gut says.  Ask the parent that has left a bad situation, but needs to share their child.  Ask anyone given a medical diagnosis that is hard to deal with and is being led to chose one treatment plan over another. Or do you stay in a career that is unsatisfying or take your life to a higher level by following dreams, even if you are afraid.

I am tired of petty.  I am tired of people that refuse to open their minds and hearts to meet other souls where they are at and then respect and honor the place they are. Not a single one of us knows if our path is right or wrong.  No one has the ability to know if a decision will alter their life course in a profound way.  Take off your myopic glasses and really see what is going on around you in technicolor.  Take it all in and then speak.  I will bet you that once you have taken it all in you will realize that you are only seeing and witnessing a very small reality, and at that time you will realize you don't have to speak.  Because you will know it isn't needed.

I try to give grace to everyone to follow their own paths and be their own person, without a petty and immature comment showing up when I choose to share a thought concerning my own thoughts. I don't want to be that witch that goes in and blocks people.  I don't want to be tempted to lower myself to their level.  I almost did that today.  

I'm sorry for the rant.  I guess it was one too many self-centered humans in my world right now.  And over the course of getting ready for my surgery tomorrow, I have had to deal with quite a few interesting people.  From the anesthesiologist that felt it was important to share horror story's with me to my own doctor, who chose to berate me for not making faster progress without knowing (or asking) that I have made incredible progress in one month - because I was following the advice of the orthopedist and not him. Weird thing with that - when he told me to do it, he gave me no guidance or direction, just do it.  The orthopedist has me feeling stronger, healthier and in better shape in 5 weeks because he laid out a clear path and instead of telling me to follow him, gave me all the tools I needed to learn the "why" and showed me the start of the path to start my own journey on. 

I guess I wasn't ready for one more.

I had the most incredible weekend.  I had planned to tell you all about the magic of time together with your soul mate. The fun and laughter.  I was hoping to have a serious chat about the power of that magic as I am facing a huge fear for me in the morning. And how much it calmed me.

winning

losing...

I've got jokes 😂

favorite camping activity

storms rolling in...

I know I need my knee replaced.  I know that the quality of my life will be so much stronger once I recover. I have worked very hard to educate myself, to be ready for the unknown.  I think I've already shared that I don't do well with lack of control, I have to deal with the fact that for the next few months I will have to rely on others to protect me and make good decisions during the time I am not able to do that myself, to support and assist me.  To help me learn to navigate the uncertain and the new change of a different knee.  For a moment in time I will have to release full control over me and my life.  For the second time in one year.  It's hard. 

I trust that I have surrounded myself with a powerful group of humans.  I trust that my best interests will be honored and supported.  In this instance it is more faith than I had to put in Hubs when we road the motorcycle.  I know my sweet Hubs will love me through it. 

The phone call that said "be at the hospital at 5 am tomorrow" cemented the reality in my heart and head. It lit a fire to complete the tasks I need to complete to be ready.  

I don't know that I will write for a few, this is all very new to me.  I personally want to believe that I will be wide awake and clear headed by noon tomorrow.  Hubs feels I will be medicated and pretty out of it. Yes, I realize he is probably right.  And while I would love to go home on my birthday, chances aren't really looking all that positive. I mean it's Wednesday... I might be being a bit too Polly Anna with that one. 

Again... sorry for venting.  But enough is enough.  Peace and Love all! 

just like that..

Don't blink.  

That's how it feels this crazy month.  Very little is staying the same.  Inside, I feel like I am becoming a stronger, more vibrant version of myself. The inner person is shedding the false shell it has resided in for far too long.  She feels free and happy.  She feels ready to walk into each new day with energy and passion.  

The inner me is enjoying the time to spend in meditation as is brings a centering feeling to me.  Starting and ending the day in peace is making me so less anxious and jumpy.  I am treasuring these small things.  

The outer me, well she is morphing too.  I have to admit that every time I look in the mirror I start laughing.  My previously straight hair is still falling out, by the handfuls throughout the day.  And what is left and/or growing back is a rather unruly mess of waves, light and airy.  So very different than the straight orderly thickness that I am used to. 

Each day I am accomplishing something that I've longed to do.  Whether it is completing a project, making the meals for Hubs and I, going to check out little shops that have been on my someday list, spending time sitting outside with my family - just hanging out and talking/laughing. So many awesome things, so much good.  

The outer world is changing too, spring is holding on for dear life.  It's cold one moment and warm the next.  It's barren and plain with that hint of yellow green that decorates the world as spring reappears and suddenly it is bright vibrant greens in all imaginable shades, flowers springing to life, perennials coming back to life and filling their beds. 

A couple of weeks ago we went to Lone Elk Park with one of my sisters and her Hubs.  The lake was beautiful, surrounded in that pale yellow green.  Filled to the top with small boats fishing on the shorelines. Hubs even had me take a picture of the sign so that he could make a reservation to fish. He is seriously starting to get that fishing bug again.  

The park is beautiful and the chance to have the elk and bison so close that you can hear their breathing, is pretty darn awesome. 

Sunday night a sinkhole opened in the bottom of the lake that provides the fresh water for the elk and deer that live on the main side of the park, the other side is inaccessible on foot, bison are far less friendly than the elk (and they are questionable) yet they have a smaller pond there for the bison and friends. 

Some of the lake is still there, but the majority of it went down the hole. Hubs and I decided to drive over - it's only about 15 minutes from our doorstep, because I had an overwhelming urge to see it for myself. When I was younger I wanted to be a geologist and to a large degree, I am still passionate about this ever changing planet of ours. 

They, wisely I might add, had blocked access to the areas affected.  Seems people were crazy enough to try and go out to the sinkhole.  I am fascinated by this occurrence, but truthfully I am not crazy.  I want to learn and see, but I am not risking my life to figure it out.   The closest we could get did not give a view of the sink hole.  The destruction left was strange to see. Boat sitting on muddy slopes, dry docked by the sudden change, the area that had been teaming with turtles was a barren mud plain, covered with tiny foot prints, couldn't tell if it was from the birds or the if the elk and deer had wandered out further for a drink. 

In the midst of the springtime beauty, there was a gaping wound. 

On the hillside when we got out to look, in the distance was a family of elk.  They definitely did not seem too concerned about the situation in front of them.  They just sat there and watched the vehicles driving past.  Probably wondering when all of us would return to our homes and leave them in peace in theirs. 

It didn't seem to phase the bison one bit on their side of the park, they were still grazing and wandering around as if nothing had shifted or changed.  So much like us, if it doesn't impact us, it might not have really happened. In all fairness to them, within the confines of their piece of the world nothing had shifted.  Their grasses were still vibrant and abundant.  Their watering hole was filled with turtles basking in the sun. Their world was still as they knew it. 

I love to learn about the "how did" of things, and took the time yesterday to learn about the park.  It's history is very interesting.  From a WWII era powder dumping and testing ground to a place to enjoy wildlife and the great outdoors.  My knees aren't good enough to go hiking on the trails and I'm not sure my courage is strong enough.  Those elk can mean business and I would be traipsing around their home uninvited. 

Who knows what they will find when they are able to look at the gaping wound that allowed so much of the lake to escape ( probably into the nearby Meramec river - via an underground river) what they will find.  The lake was man-made, it might not be repairable.  It might just end up having to be a smaller lake.  They may have to find another plan to accommodate the change that time and life have provided them. 

I have never feared change, probably the military brat in me, I've always just gone along with it.  I am finding that I am now in a place of welcoming change.  It's beautiful.