I just can't!

So, I just did a thing, sort of...  As I was typing my blog a random thought that I needed to share with my son about an issue he's been dealing with popped into my head.  I didn't want to lose it, so I switched over to messenger to send him a note. While I was doing that, I saw that a family member decided to post on something I shared. 

As soon as I saw it pop up my head started buzzing.  I heard my inside voice saying, don't look at it, it will be something negative. Because it always is, it's always biting or passive aggressive when they comment.  It's frankly exhausting.  I don't even know this person, I haven't been home in over 22 years, things like these comments are what make it a distasteful thought to go home.  I don't deal well with the self-centered. 

But restraint isn't my strong suit so... I opened it. And of course they took the entire statement into the space they are living in.  I get it.  I can even respect their thoughts and their fears. The irony, it is a far broader topic than they decided to land on. In fact the reason I shared it was because it was profound for me.  It made me think of many times throughout my life. 

This is the post. I was not thinking of current events, although I feel bullying is at an all time high.  I was actually thinking of all types of bullying when I shared it. How many of you remember being a kid?  How many of you experienced those moments of being shy, uncertain, learning to navigate life.  Did you get pressured to smoke, drink, try drugs, date the wrong person, have sex before you were ready, drive too young, go clubbing, go against every single rule your parents laid out for you?  I mean those are just a few examples. If you didn't do the things, you were in jeopardy of being labeled a nerd, uncool, socially awkward, etc. 

To me that was the true essence of this quote. And the reason it was so powerful, is because I was that uncool and socially awkward kid.  I dated and hung out with some of the cool kids, but I was seriously someone that very few remember.  Because I simply didn't do the "cool" stuff, I have always followed my gut and inner voice. And while at the time it might have seemed stupid, at the season of my life, I am very thankful for that inner voice.

I am a questioner, I need solid answers and proof.  Please don't quote "science" to me, because if you look back through time, "the science" has led us to some pretty dark times in history. Lobotomy anyone? Leaches and blood letting? Cigarettes? More medications that can be counted. Science is ever changing and sometimes you have to wait a good while before you see the truth.  I will need to sit with an idea or suggestion for a good bit.  I will need to know in my gut that it will be something I am okay with. 

I have always been that way. I will always be that way. I will always question and research everything.  

I am simply tired.  I am tired of people thinking things like that are simply okay.  I can respect and honor your thoughts, decisions, ideals... but you can't do the same for me and others?  I don't like passive-aggressive bullies.  I do not have the time of day for them.  Want to have a discussion with me?  Please reach out to me personally, we will probably agree to disagree, but it isn't something the world needs a ringside seat at. 

Each of us is born with free will, how much or how little of that we choose to fight for and retain, that is a very personal choice. I know I am far too strong willed to ever give up my free will without a fight. We are all on a journey in this life, a path.  We have things to learn, we have experiences that we are meant to have.  All of these things are very, very personal and a choice that only we should make.  

It can be something simple, this car or that one, house, apartment or yurt for pity's sake.  Or it can be far more complex and detailed. Divorce or work it out, what state or even country to live in, schooling, children, medical treatments, career etc.  All of those are things that at times you can be find yourself scared, bribed, pressured or guilted into making a choice that does not align with you as a human and the journey that you are on. I am sure that is only the tip of the iceberg, that each of us could add many experiences where we found ourselves being pushed in a direction that was not right for us. 

It applies in so many instances in life.  Ask anyone that is in an abusive situation if they are living their best life, ask them what their gut says.  Ask the parent that has left a bad situation, but needs to share their child.  Ask anyone given a medical diagnosis that is hard to deal with and is being led to chose one treatment plan over another. Or do you stay in a career that is unsatisfying or take your life to a higher level by following dreams, even if you are afraid.

I am tired of petty.  I am tired of people that refuse to open their minds and hearts to meet other souls where they are at and then respect and honor the place they are. Not a single one of us knows if our path is right or wrong.  No one has the ability to know if a decision will alter their life course in a profound way.  Take off your myopic glasses and really see what is going on around you in technicolor.  Take it all in and then speak.  I will bet you that once you have taken it all in you will realize that you are only seeing and witnessing a very small reality, and at that time you will realize you don't have to speak.  Because you will know it isn't needed.

I try to give grace to everyone to follow their own paths and be their own person, without a petty and immature comment showing up when I choose to share a thought concerning my own thoughts. I don't want to be that witch that goes in and blocks people.  I don't want to be tempted to lower myself to their level.  I almost did that today.  

I'm sorry for the rant.  I guess it was one too many self-centered humans in my world right now.  And over the course of getting ready for my surgery tomorrow, I have had to deal with quite a few interesting people.  From the anesthesiologist that felt it was important to share horror story's with me to my own doctor, who chose to berate me for not making faster progress without knowing (or asking) that I have made incredible progress in one month - because I was following the advice of the orthopedist and not him. Weird thing with that - when he told me to do it, he gave me no guidance or direction, just do it.  The orthopedist has me feeling stronger, healthier and in better shape in 5 weeks because he laid out a clear path and instead of telling me to follow him, gave me all the tools I needed to learn the "why" and showed me the start of the path to start my own journey on. 

I guess I wasn't ready for one more.

I had the most incredible weekend.  I had planned to tell you all about the magic of time together with your soul mate. The fun and laughter.  I was hoping to have a serious chat about the power of that magic as I am facing a huge fear for me in the morning. And how much it calmed me.

winning

losing...

I've got jokes 😂

favorite camping activity

storms rolling in...

I know I need my knee replaced.  I know that the quality of my life will be so much stronger once I recover. I have worked very hard to educate myself, to be ready for the unknown.  I think I've already shared that I don't do well with lack of control, I have to deal with the fact that for the next few months I will have to rely on others to protect me and make good decisions during the time I am not able to do that myself, to support and assist me.  To help me learn to navigate the uncertain and the new change of a different knee.  For a moment in time I will have to release full control over me and my life.  For the second time in one year.  It's hard. 

I trust that I have surrounded myself with a powerful group of humans.  I trust that my best interests will be honored and supported.  In this instance it is more faith than I had to put in Hubs when we road the motorcycle.  I know my sweet Hubs will love me through it. 

The phone call that said "be at the hospital at 5 am tomorrow" cemented the reality in my heart and head. It lit a fire to complete the tasks I need to complete to be ready.  

I don't know that I will write for a few, this is all very new to me.  I personally want to believe that I will be wide awake and clear headed by noon tomorrow.  Hubs feels I will be medicated and pretty out of it. Yes, I realize he is probably right.  And while I would love to go home on my birthday, chances aren't really looking all that positive. I mean it's Wednesday... I might be being a bit too Polly Anna with that one. 

Again... sorry for venting.  But enough is enough.  Peace and Love all!