I think I have let myself give in far too much, I sleep most of the day away, tired of my own company and feeling like I am not productive. I am productive, I am productively healing! Yet, I still give in, close my eyes, curl up in a ball and sleep.
The challenge with that, is that when it is time to actually sleep, I can't. I lie awake and stare at the clock on the ceiling, watching it count off the minutes of a slow moving night. It simply has to stop.
That being said, I am focusing on being a human today. Showered, wearing clothing (no, not clean pajama's - real clothes!), I did my hair (yes a pony tail counts when it is clean and dried) and I am forcing myself to be upright.
I've been doing research on some recumbent bikes, my PT says they will greatly improve my leg strength and I will be able to start using one probably after my follow up. I have an awesome bike, one that I dearly love rolling around the countryside on, although I have a sneaking suspicion that I am not going to be brave enough to ride for a bit. Doc warned me that recovery is not going to be overnight, that Hubs struggles recovering from two hip replacements were actually easier than my knee will be. I am trying to keep that in mind, but also retain a positive mental attitude.
I don't know a lot of people that have purchased and used recumbent bikes so I am going to have to rely on strangers I do believe. I definitely want on that both Hubs and I will benefit from. I want him to stay strong and healthy also. He's kinda, sorta, super important to me!
I'm working on getting my brain back on track to stay focused. I still feel scattered, but not like I was. I am feeling a bit more like I can stay focused and plan out an activity or start working on a plan without going off on tangents. Discomfort seems to be all that is slowing me down at this point, the wiggling around to not ache is a bit distracting.
I am actually planning to try sitting in my sewing studio for a bit today. I know I can't handle more than 20 or 30 minutes, but a lot can happen in those chunks of time. I have two quilts to prep, one a gift, the other commissioned. I can get a lot of cutting done in those small windows of time. And instead of mourning the fact that I can't spend hours just getting it done, I've decided to focus on those bits of time. I have to wait until Hubs gets home to help me move a few things, I am not sure I can manage moving things and using a walker - at least not safely. And I am no where ready to move things with the cane, that still requires my full attention.
I might even manage to iron a few things today. I can't tackle the whole pile, but I can practice standing with my full weight on my leg while ironing a few items at a time. I see that as a win/win although my sweet Hubs looked pretty annoyed when I suggested it this morning.
It isn't that I am trying to be a pain, or suggesting he can't do it all, far from it. It is a deep seated need to feel like a productive human being. I like doing things, I like feeling like I contribute. I can't stand long enough to cook yet, or I would totally be making our meals. I love to cook. I need to find the small things that I can do, the small things that give me the sense of being a contributor - not just a taker - for the time being.
I picked up the master bedroom a bit this morning, while waiting for him to bring up breakfast. I felt so much a part of a team. I've always believed life works best in a teamwork scenario. I was going to dust the mantle where all our fur-babies ashes rest, but ran out of time before Hubs came up. I'll save that for tomorrow, or maybe before dinner.
I guess it's time to do a bit of quilting, update some book keeping, and ya know, start doing life. Coffee is way iced at this point and sitting here is making my eyes heavy.
Peace and love ❤
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