changes...

I started the day in a state of angst.  I was frantically looking for a new hairstyle.  I know that doesn't seem like something to get worked up about, I mean it's hair, it grows.  A bad hair cut is not the end of the world, right??  I decided almost 10 days ago that it was time for something new.  I booked the appointment for this morning and just like that the anxiety started.  I am a fairly plain and ordinary woman, but I do have pretty hair.  I feel blessed to have thick, naturally highlighted hair (or wisdom highlights if you prefer).  I also hate change, while I sometimes crave it, and hate it at the same time. 

After losing so much of my hair post virus/pneumonia last year I was over the moon happy when it started growing back in.  I was a hot mess losing my hair.  At the time it felt like a large part of my identity. It wasn't until I accepted that I might lose the majority of it and had decided that if that happened I would just rock bright colored head scarves that I felt like I was emotionally healing.  

Until I decided to make a change.  I don't know why I felt compelled to do it. I can't begin to even guess what was going through my head when I made that decision, but once committed... I was like bring it on! And that is about the time I also started questioning what I wanted to do.  I am aware that I am not a youngster, I wanted easy without sloppy, have you seen the suggestions for hairstyles for over 50??  I should also note that I am definitely NOT someone that will commit to much time maintaining a hairstyle or putting on make-up. Just not worth it to me. 

By this morning, I almost decided to cancel my appointment.  My hair turned out this morning (isn't that how it always goes?) and I still hadn't decided on the cut.  I even jokingly told Hubs I was going to shave it all off (that is a total joke, because I am never going to shave all my hair off willingly) he was not remotely amused.  Nor do I believe he was amused by the picture of what was cut off laying on the floor.  I'm fairly certain he was wondering if I'd carried through with my joke. 

I don't have any idea why a simple haircut is enough to make me insane, but it is.  One of the reasons I rarely change my style, my anxiety is simply too much if I do. I will admit to being fairly insecure and wondering if people will judge.  The mature side of my brain says who cares if they do, the little girl quietly says "I do". Truth is I don't ever think about my hair unless I am currently in front of a mirror. 

And then I wonder, I worry and I stress.  

Luckily the young lady that cuts my hair is amazing and after looking at a few possibilities and ruling each of them out for a variety of reasons (mostly knowing I am not going to take the time to fix it) we settled on a change.  It's not huge, but it made me happy.  I felt like she had created enough change for my longing to be satisfied but not so much that I was a basket of regret. Which would have happened if I had shaved it all off.  

I can't be the only person that worries about being judged.  I think all of us do to a certain extent, even those people that come off as super confident or even narcissistic. I am not sure where that comes from.  I can't see dogs worrying about how their hair looks.  Does the collar match my hair color?  What is the poodle down the street going to say if my human put the black leash on with the brown collar?  How will I show my face?  I don't think they notice when the step in mud or have leaves stuck to their coats because they were rolling in the dirt.  Yet us humans... we have such anxiety over it all. It's crazy. 

As I checked to see what magic she had worked, and trust me I am all about the magic factor, I took a deep sigh of relief.  Somehow between twenty or so pictures, a lot of conversation and tension, she'd managed to create what I was hoping for.  All the anxiety was gone.  I was happy with the end result.  Ironically, I also managed to even forget that I'd had it cut a few hours ago, until I happened to walk past a mirror and notice it.  

All that angst and anxiety was a completely internal struggle, a quest to be accepted and to avoid a negative judgement that I made up in my mind.  No one is paying that much attention to me and my life, they are all busy wrapped up in their own angst and anxiety. 

I think we miss that part of the scenario, at least I do.  That little devil is sitting on my shoulder reminding me that I'd better measure up to everyone's expectations, when the reality is that no one else is judging me, it's only me.  Just like I am not wasting precious time and energy judging anyone else. If I can't remember the fact that I chopped a bunch of hair off a few hours ago, why would I think anyone else would remember it? 

it was time...

I'm probably good for at least six weeks of not worrying about that trivial thing.  I wonder what my next anxiety point will be.... Or maybe I am finally going to learn to not worry about silly things... What's your bet?

gotta run and finish a few things up... 

love and peace...