new paths...

This morning's sunrise was calm.  There were no raging colors, the penetrating ray's of blinding light were strangely absent.  As I sat in my rocker on the deck this morning, enjoying the unusual chill of the past few mornings, I listened silently to the world coming to life. 

It's been a rough few weeks.  The struggles aren't over yet. And I am truly not sure if that light I see ahead is the light at the end of the tunnel or simply an oncoming train.   

Last night I was not in a good spot, neither was Hubs, our solution?  We went chasing the sunset.  Top down beautiful evening miles and miles of back roads. I wasn't so upset, he was calmer, life was more balanced.  We had a chance to enjoy the drive and talk.  No phones, no televisions, no interruptions. We balanced for a moment in time.

I'm trying to look at life and everything going on from a less reactive state of mind.  I'm trying to sit back and process it all.  I'm trying to understand where this journey is taking us and how to follow the path holistically.  I'm trying to look at things from the perspective of what am I to learn from this challenge.

Sitting there in the silence, listening to the birds calling each other from probably miles apart, watching the moon slowly fading as the sky lightened, I felt peaceful.  There is more chaos in our lives than I feel equipped to handle.  Each time I think, okay... we've got this... there is another huge road block that flies up in our faces.  Yesterday, was no exception.  Together we will sort things through.  We will figure out what we are meant to learn from each new "adventure". 

It's been over a week since we lost our Gator.  He's home now.  His box is beautiful, his collar still carries the faint fragrance of him.  He was going to get a bath last weekend, he didn't end up needing it. It's odd.  My heart misses him, I hate looking at his empty beds - which I will put away this weekend,  Neeko isn't interested in them. Yet I feel calm.  I feel he is racing happily with his Amber, running through grasses and chest bumping each other.  I feel he is at peace.  I know that is a strange thought for some people.  For me... he was my baby... I know he's waiting at the Rainbow Bridge.  I know our spirits will be together some day.  

For now, we are simply spoiling the Neeks.  The toys I complain about are littering the floors, of course he needs them all.  Extra snuggles and more space on the bed.  He will never be a snuggle up to sleep boy, even as he gets crazy close.  

I don't feel a need or even desire to welcome any other pups into our home.  It isn't the time.  It's time for something else right now.  I'm not all together sure what, but something.  We can take the Neeks a few places now, his health isn't as precarious as Gator's was.  He's old, not feeble.  When we are on vacation next week we will spend some time with him, find some new places to take some leisurely walks and most likely find him some treats.  A juicy steak would suit him just fine. 

I thought I would be dragging Hubs on this new journey of mine, as I work to regain my own health.  Determined to drag him if I had to.  Ironically, there was no dragging.  No kicking and no screaming.  I might be a bit shocked.  We aren't done studying, learning and gathering information.  We are working to insure that we are both healthy and have many more wonderful years together. 

Some of this journey is still undefined.  Some it is is more of a gradual revelation.  Kind of like the beautiful rocks that I checked on this morning.  I think there are many things moving through my life experience right now that are the universes why of demanding that I pay attention.  Some of them are little jabs, pricks to the consciousness.  

Like yesterday.  

I was helping to clean up at the annual book fair.  The Y has been doing it for 41 years now.  I have only been cleaning up for 16, I forgot the year that I didn't work for the Y as I was remembering each one.  Slowly it has improved.  Very slowly.  We weren't in the blazing sun, nothing involved conveyor belts, and there were very few pinched fingers.  Muscles are aching today, but that is the extent of physical damage.  

More so, the revelation is all that is lingering.  As we moved literally thousands of pounds of books, first into huge gaylord boxes to be resold to a book seller. And finally into the recycling bins, we filled two 40 yard recycling bins to the very tops.  No room left in either.  And a 30 yard dumpster with things that cannot be recycled or sold. I was shaken to my core.  It was depressing to callously through all of that stuff away.  I hope the recycling company actually recycles it, but I don't have much faith in humankind any longer. 

We have become such a wasteful, consumerism driven society.  I put enough duplicate copies of books into bins that I could have easily filled a small book store. What drives this?  As I was processing all of those books I was reflecting on my own home and belongings.  I have tons of books, that at a point in time, I felt strongly about owning.  But why?

It isn't just books.  It's everything around us.  

I am processing a lot right now.  Mentally, I am on overload.  Physically, I feel that I am healing, the process will take time. It will not be an overnight fix.  Which I feel that far too many people are looking for these days.  I saw a meme the other day that really spoke to me.  It was on a friends weight loss motivation site... two lines, one for the quick way, one for the one that takes a lot of work and commitment.  Guess which line was the longest...

I am as guilty as the next one. I think I've become so busy filling my life with stuff, that I have lost some of the most valuable stuff - time with family and friends, adventures, rest and doing things that genuinely matter.  Bike rides with Hubs, adventures with kids and the Neeks.  (I almost wrote the boys - guess my heart isn't there yet.) 

I can't continue to pour from an empty bucket and I am aware of that.  I am aware of the walls I am building to protect my heart and of the damage I am doing to myself to help others.  I think most of us are.  We just don't step back to reflect and learn, society doesn't want us to.  

Tomorrow is our anniversary... 16 years.  We've been through so much together, Hubs still owes me a minimum of 14 more, that was our agreement, he had to promise me at least 30 years.  I'm pushing for 40.  

So much is changing, I'm trying to stay steady and true in the midst of the storms that keep brewing.  On Saturday we are hitting a HUGE reset button.  We are slowing down and stepping back from life for a bit.  Maybe finally doing some things that we want to do.

New journey's are not always good, the challenges are not always bad.  Sometimes they are the portal to a better place to be...