do nothing days

I have adjusted the settings on my Facebook account. 

I've deleted any and everything that is negative, divisive or energy depleting.

I am working on finding the joy in life.  I am looking for a different path. 

I've been in a spiral for a bit, even before I lost my Dad.  I've had an immense amount of negativity coming at me from numerous directions.  I thought I was handling it well.  Reality, I wasn't.

I was absorbing it all.  I was allowing it to steal my joy in life. I had been swimming in a downward swirl.  Trying to smile through it all, while allowing others to define who I am and what I am in search of in life. I was allowing other people to take their anger and frustrations out on me personally.  Understanding that they had issues they were trying to work through. Without thinking about the damage I was doing to myself.  Me, personally.  I kept focusing on the greater good.

Guess what. 

I've come to the conclusion that none of us can focus on the greater good, unless we are solid, stable and balanced in the individual good. I've watched friends and peers seem to always have time for everything, while others seem like me and always scrambling. I wanted more of what the others had.

Hubs and I used to spend our mornings sitting by a fire, sipping coffee and enjoying not only each other's company but also our boys.  There were months where our mornings consisted of a nice long walk, caring for our own health. Mental and physical.  At some point over the past two years our mornings have switched.  No longer do we simply enjoy life.

We rush our boys through their morning walks, neglecting the fact that they are both extreme seniors and we will all too soon miss those long dragged out walks.  Instead we focus on rushing through, missing the beauty of the moment.  We're in a hurry to get to work.  We are both feeling an overwhelming need to push harder to keep up with an ever expanding to do list.

We used to stop and enjoy lunches together.  They were never long enough, but they were quality time to stop, laugh with friends and connect. Now it's a great day if there is fifteen minutes to eat in between things needing our attention.

And we are not even going to talk about dinners.  The days of working together to create a nice dinner together and simply enjoying the time together seems to have left as well.  Most nights it's a quasi argument over where to grab something quick that will be semi-tasty, as well not completely deadly to the waistline.

That is just meal times. 

As I walked through our beautiful home this morning, I longed for the old one.  Not because I loved it, I didn't.  In fact it gave me serious claustrophobia.  But I long for bike rides, walks, bitter cold mornings with a warm fire in the fire pit.  I am longing for the things that we no longer have time or energy to enjoy.

I used to create, cook, garden.  For too long know those things have been tucked away waiting for some day.  I have a long list of recorded shows that I've been trying to find the time to relax and enjoy. So many things waiting for some day.

I need to make some day, become today.  Because none of us get some day.  We have to seize the moment or all that is left is a stack of some days for our survivors to sort through.

Friday started a long needed vacation.  No one coming to visit, not too many set plans, just time to chill out. To re-balance ourselves.  To follow through with all of the things we've been neglecting.

I took a short trip this weekend to see my Mom and two of my sisters.  For the first time in far too LONG it was a time of nothing.  Hubs stayed home to finish up some projects to finally get himself to a place of peace where work was concerned.

We did a lot of things, but none of it was "important" to anyone except us.  I took my youngest grand daughter with me.  For the first time in her short little life, she had 100% of grandma's attention.  We played and learned each other.  She was so wonderful.  So few tears, so many laughs and giggles. 

My Mom needed time with that little one.  She's been longing for those moments.  My Dad was so in love with her for some reason.  And even though she barely met him, she walked the house looking at pictures of him and saying Pa (Dad was always Papa to his grand kids).

I spent time teaching my niece how to make bath bombs.  Helped my sister make her first two batches of soap.  Helped my other sister figure out the challenge she was having with a beautiful afghan that she is making - brave woman!  I hate making afghans, ironically, I don't have the patience.

We didn't really go anywhere, we didn't function on a schedule.  I stayed up late talking to my Mom, remembering the past, talking about dreams for the future, pondering how we were going to survive this week.  Knowing that we will put some of Dad's ashes in the ground on Saturday.  Knowing none of us felt strong enough to deal with it all, yet feeling we have to.  It was what Dad wanted.

It felt like a gift from heaven.  As I headed home yesterday, for the first time in far too long, I felt human. I felt refreshed.

I'd received an email telling me my ring was heading to my home the same as I was.  My ring has my Daddy's ashes incorporated into it.  I would have him home with me.

Returning baby bear to her Mommy was bitter sweet.  I'd enjoyed my time with her, I didn't really want to end that time. Yet, I was ready for grown up time. 

My ring was waiting and so was a glass of wine.

Opening the packet with my ring in it my hands were shaking.  I was excited and sad at the same time.  I could feel the anxiety in my heart.  It's beautiful.  And slipping it on my finger I felt peace.  It was just me, alone in the garage, because I was too excited to wait.

It's bigger than I expected, the weight is evident.  For someone that usually goes with smaller jewelry it almost seemed extreme.  Yet it feels comforting.  I can't wait to slide it back on my finger this morning.

Today, the weather is going to be amazing.

Hubs and I are going to enjoy a "do nothing" day.  I don't mean that we won't be doing anything.  I've already done the only thing that I had to do, a phone meeting.  The rest of the day is simply white space on our calendars. I read an article about do nothing days, and the need for them in our lives.  I agree.  We need more of those and less of schedules. 

Shortly I'll shower, put on my riding clothes and Hubs and I will head for the river road.  Lunch will happen at the winery and we will cruise through the beauty of spring.  Hubs calls it "wind therapy".  I don't disagree. There will be time for chores later.  We need some unstructured time. Just the two of us.

I need to re-balance.  I'm working on it. Hubs is working on it, as he takes a short nap near me, his gentle snores reminding me of long ago vacations when we'd hide in our camper down in Sullivan.