a new path

The base of my head is throbbing, it's been that way for a few weeks now.

My arms are heavy, my leg is swelling and my exhaustion factor is completely through the roof.

Yep, my fibro is racing towards a full blown flare.  Doc confirmed it yesterday.  Slow down.  Rest more. Can you pass off some of your stressers? Yoga? Hot baths with Epsom salt?

Can I?

Honestly, I'm surprised I made it this far.  The way this year has gone, I'm surprised it didn't tackle me and lay me out months ago. In the almost three months since Dad has been gone so much has happened.  There haven't been quiet moments.  There hasn't been any down time.

I'm sitting in the quiet of my living room.  It's dark and comforting in the silence.

I'm worn.

I've found myself on the verge of tears too many times in the past few days.  Not truly sure why, but deep down knowing it's a mix of mental and physical exhaustion.  Too much without the tools to absorb it or the strength to battle it.

Yesterday morning sitting outside for the tiny window of time allotted, sipping hot coffee and relaxing with Hubs while watching the birds darting back and forth snatching morsels from the feeder that the squirrels have finally been banished from, I felt calm and centered.

Sadly it didn't last nearly long enough to impact the changes that I desperately need at this time. There have been so many negative things lately. Too many. I'm longing for a chance to simply make it all stop. Not enough time with Hubs, behind in everything I am trying to accomplish - personal and professional, rarely is there time with the boys or the family.  Who on earth even has the energy to include friends in that bubble.

This morning held another snippet of time.  Our girl joined us for a few moments, she's busy capitalizing on both of her girls sleeping in.

Today was different though.  I started my morning slowly, like my Doc recommended.  A couple of yoga poses, legs up the wall is the most amazing one where my poor leg and lower back are concerned.  And I can't thank my favorite Yogi enough for introducing me to it.

We deliberately let the old guy lead the walk.  He's so very slow now, I don't know that it is out of necessity - he can pour on the speed when he wants to, or if he's taking more time to sniff every blade of grass and savor each moment.  Today, I didn't rush him. I let him enjoy.  Nothing is more important than that. Especially as the afternoon walks are so short right now.  It's just too hot for a long one.

I've never had a doc prescribe a soak twice a day.  But if it will help, I am game.  She's a relatively new doc for me, I got her by accident, but I immediately fell in love with her style and compassion.  She understands that I will not take medications except in dire circumstances - that horrible sinus infection for example. And instead of chastising me, she is working with me on a more holistic approach.  She may be my hero.  So shortly I will go and soak and meditate for a bit before facing the day.

I just finished reading a book. Soulful Simplicity by Courtney Carver.  I enjoyed it immensely.  In fact it is the first book I have read in a very long time that wasn't required reading.  As an avid reader, that has been something lacking in my life. I am not sure if I enjoyed the book or the actual act of turning pages more.

I am not sure where I saw it recommended, but I will say that I immediately felt drawn to read it.  So much so that I ordered it almost immediately and carved out time to do it.  It became a priority for me.

I'm loaning it to one of the B's today, but I will be reading it again when I get it back. It speaks to this journey that I am finding myself on.  I need to find the way back to me, I've wandered a bit.  I've become some of the very things that I do not want to be.

I spend far too much of my time working. Too much time being busy.  I've lost the art of lingering.  And being busy is not working for me.  Because I am no longer able to be busy at the things that matter. My sewing machines sit still, I rarely have yarn gliding through my fingers, I am working on finding enough moments to enjoy my children and grand children, and loving on my boys.

I miss taking the time to cook a fabulous dinner and then sitting around with loved ones enjoying it.  The pure bliss of fresh baked bread. Or coffee and a fresh from the oven baked treat.  Everything is rushed now. All the moments are blurring together.

I miss walks.  Not walks for fitness or as a way of exercise, but simple walks.  Along a riverbed, in a park, at the zoo, down a city street or a quiet forest.  Simply the act of walking and being.  As I read her book I found myself remembering so many things that used to bring me unbridled joy that I don't even make time for anymore.

And I am now on a journey back. The pure act of being busy is not doing me any good.  I am not soaring like an eagle and I am allowing things that aren't me to define me. For too long I have been allowing my own voice, thoughts, and feelings to be silenced for the greater good as defined by others.

That time ended.

My health is suffering, my soul is suffering, my relationships are suffering.

It's going to be a rough and tumble journey.  I don't expect it to be easy or pleasant all the time.  Change is tough.  But it's a change I desperately want and need. In the process of leaving things behind, I fully expect to gain so much more.

More time and adventures with Hubs.  More light, love and happiness.  More memories with my babies and their babies.  Hubs and I can describe in detail every adventure we had in Germany, Austria and Belgium.  Everything fit in a backpack.  Those memories are etched in our minds and hearts.  We need more memories and less stuff.

The journey is beginning...