I know it doesn't seem like a great feat. Many of us will experience the same feeling today. But for me after almost 20 days, it is huge! I'm awake, my eyes are open and my mind feels... mine.
When I last posted I had no idea that the exhaustion I was feeling, the mental fog, the unclear thoughts and the disconnection to myself wasn't just post holiday blahs. A let down after a strange and wonderful holiday season.
I had no idea that my brain feeling foggy wasn't just a season shift fibro event.
This morning I am clear. My fingers are hitting keys that actually make sense. I've been awake since around 3 am. And while that would normally disturb me, the fact that for several weeks I have basically been sleeping over 20 hours a day it feels good. I have stared off into space for far too long this month.
In fact, if I wasn't so concerned with where things have already gone this year I would want a do - over.
I am going to be very unpopular with what I feel strongly that I need to say. Especially as I have now managed to experience, successfully, the awesome combination of COVID and pneumonia. But, here it goes just the same.
Live your life.
Due to my work I followed the guidelines, I wore the mask, washed my hands, did my best with six feet. And almost 20 days and a hospital stay later, I am still going to say live your life.
During the time that I have been ill, I know of several people that have passed away. Some COVID related, some not. I have been sick before in my life. This was definitely an experience I am okay with having only learned once. But there was no reason for the world to change because I got a virus. If masks and all the other fear mongering worked, I would not have gotten sick. The truth is that virus' have been around as long as man. We have been blessed by a creator that insured our bodies would adapt and we could survive, if meant to.
The laughter and joy of that evening made some of the past few weeks brighter. Speaking to my children and text messages from grands made sitting in a hospital sweating and on oxygen a whole lot easier to deal with.
My heart broke yesterday when I received a message from one of my employees, her grandfather had passed unexpectedly. They had moved back here to enjoy time together, but because of all the fear that has been being dished up they lost all of that time.
You cannot unwind a clock people.
Since time began we have had people get sick, we have had bodies get tired and move on. The one thing we can never replace, ever are the memories of laughter, time together, sharing love, hope and ideas.
I am not saying to simply through caution to the wind. In fact I am dumb struck by some of the absolutely idiotic things I am hearing from around the country. A change in leadership does not all the sudden cure a pandemic. Simply rewriting rules, ideas and thoughts does not make them... well science.
I used to be a firm believer in science. Until I studied in it. I used to believe a lot more and know a lot less.
I think I told a friend while I was in the hospital that I believe I chose this time to be ill. I knew that I needed a safe, calm spot to be. Can't get much safer than completely disconnected. I needed a cocoon, my soul knew that. A buffer so to speak.
I guess the coming months will show to us if we have been terrified to be controlled or if we have just over come one of the greatest pandemics in history. Please understand that I am normally more middle of the line with the thoughts I share. Yet after this month, this experience. I am now choosing to be allowed to have my own voice and thoughts.
If you are healthy live your life. You owe it not only to yourself, but your loved ones. Spend time making a special dinner, go for that walk, do like my sweet baby grand did and build a forest hut it the park. Get dirty.
If you aren't feeling so great, take a moment to step back. Take care of yourself. I don't use my sick days, I never get sick. HAHAHAHA, proved me wrong. As I battled all the guilt and anger at myself for not staying healthy, for not being there and doing what was expected of me, I realized something.
I work with and for great people. I have felt so much love this past few weeks. Yet, I am supremely replaceable. They haven't missed a beat. I could say it's because I have a great team, that I am surrounded by amazing people, and the text book answer to that is yes, I do. The reality is the only people we are not replaceable with another comparative part is our family, friends, our loved ones.
Smell flowers, go get wet in the rain, or play in the snow. Turn off the television - you have been programmed. Experience life. Walk away from people telling you what to think, what to feel how to learn. Stop being programmed.
One of my family members really upset me in a comment he made on a Facebook post. It was something harmless in regards to what I am writing here about living life and not missing a moment. The comment was small and petty. About not wanting to end up in a hospital or morgue.
My anger wasn't in his saying those words. My anger is that he chose my message to carry his gloom. I am not going to be so willing to allow that moving forward. Everyone has a voice, everyone has the right to use that voice. We are blessed with intelligence, common sense and the ability to learn. We have an innate ability to grow, experience to level up as humans. We alone make the choice to not do so.
If I've angered you, I am sorry. If have I have given you an opportunity to think for a moment, follow that wisp.
But mostly, live! Make time for what is important, because in the end, the loved ones around you truly are all that matter.
My last post was about creating, it was in the most strict sense of the word. During the moments of lucidity of the past few weeks I have thought deeper about that string of thoughts. As this week started my brain was still struggling hard to connect to me, my fingers and brain were not even remotely speaking to each other and I couldn't put together clear thoughts. Slowly as the week has moved forward, I forced my fingers to wrap around the yarn, to connect my muscle memory and brain in a pattern that I can do in my sleep.
Creativity pulled me back. Creativity will drive me forward.
I have been wrapped in love from so many areas of my life, flowers, messages of love, calls, dinners... I am so surrounded by an amazing community. I am blessed, I am thankful and I am choosing to move forward in pure love.
Go out and live! Experience all things beautiful and growth inducing. Turn off the television, have a conversation, agree to disagree and learn to love one another again, please....
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