That is how it appeared yesterday. I have been a bit sullen that we haven't really experienced winter. No snow to walk in, not really cold, just kind of gray and gloomy for the most part. Except in the hospital when I wanted to sleep and they couldn't even make that sunshine dim.
But sitting in my chair by the fire yesterday working it started to snow. I'd told Hubs it was going to, that I'd gotten an alert, he is always super on top of it for work to make sure things stay safe so I was a bit surprised that he hadn't known. He still didn't believe me.
I probably didn't need the fire all day, but it went so wonderful with the beauty of the snow falling down and the ambiance was just what my healing mental health needed. It made the act of returning to human softer. So much easier to work when you are surrounded by your favorite things, a fire, snow, hot tea....
Around noon, just as I was stopping to eat lunch there was a muffled knock at the door. Followed by a text message saying "knock knock". As I opened the door to the beautiful falling snow there on the step was a beautiful snow covered almost four foot tall snow angel!
Hair wild and crazy, bundled against the chill and flakes, her smile as bright as day and her eyes were sparkling with a fire that must go to the very center of the universe. As she wrapped her beautiful arms around me, covered in snow, I felt instantly better!
She was running around grabbing huge gobs of snow that she was putting down her mother's shirt, throwing in the air with wild abandon and basically just having the time of her life. Lying in the yard making angels and shapes. My very soul was warmed. I longed to through on shoes and a coat and be out there with her - but common sense and the doctor's voice were ringing in my head. The whole reason I was at home to enjoy that moment was because I was to avoid those very activities.
As my poor daughter lay sprawled in the driveway, exhausted from having dragged a sled with that energy ball attached to it up the hill from her house, I had the moments to savor. What a gift! I offered hot chocolate to warm them before they headed back down the hill, my girl started to say no - I'm pretty sure she simply wanted to lie in the drive and give up, the littlest voice bubbled up with the loudest I want hot chocolate!
For just over an hour in the middle of the day I was blessed with laughter, marshmallows, conversations about grapes and the fact that grandma was severely behind on taking down Christmas. She is smart, does not miss a word or look. She is observant and above all else she is a joyous child.
Her hair has a mind of its own and she rarely allows anyone to tame it or her. It is a true reflection of the joyous soul she is. It's curly, it's straight, it's soft and wild. When she snuggles up to you with that big wild ball of fuzz you can bury your face and feel the love.
While we were finishing up our lunch, she sat organizing her kitchen in grandma's kitchen. She takes after her mom, all that wild is housed in a child that craves order. I was so blessed by that time yesterday. She makes me think of a favorite line from a movie... she dances like a dervish.
I wasn't quick enough to grab my phone to snap a picture as they were leaving, but she was quickly re-bundled and ready to go, mom not so much, understandably. I stood in the doorway watching as that little sprite had already seated herself on her sled, waiting so patiently for her mom to assume her position as sled dog, both hands filled with fresh snow to sample and throw, her smile unrivaled.
As they were waving and yelling love you I was so proud. I hope that I inspired even a tenth of the perfection that is my daughter as a mom. She's an amazing human in her own right, full of love, compassion, caring, honesty and well pretty much anything you can imagine. But as a mom. WOW! I learn daily how to be a better human by watching her.
Watching them leave I had a flash back to a sudden snow day long ago in Sembach Germany. To pulling my daughter and her brother along the hillside on the sled that now sits outside my door every winter. I remembered being that sled dog as we tramped through the huge flakes of snow that were falling. It was such a priceless memory.
I work too much, I rarely get to enjoy and savor moments like yesterday. I guess it was another gift from life during this time. I am so very thankful for it.
I am feeling more and more human each day. I was exhausted by yesterday, but it led to a great night of rest and an energy to start today fresh. I'm being humbled that I am having to be slow. We are short at work right now and it's a January at the Y, it's killing me to not be able to jump right back in and help "slay dragons". I have to admit, I am struggling. Hubs keeps reminding me that I have been there to help every time, that it is okay to heal. I simply don't do this well. Yet, I am also finding myself thankful for the lesson.
After not having real contact with people for 20 days I am in a strange place. Longing for the contact and repulsed by the thought. The contact of yesterday, was so fulfilling, will the energy of so many people be too much? Yesterday had real people and no television. It had voices on the phone and thought provoking conversations. It felt normal and disconnected.
It was beautiful.
I looked out the window this morning at the beauty of the snow, the moon glimmering through the icy covered tree. The sky ink black. It was so breathtaking.
I think today will be a repeat of yesterday, I feel that the healing I am doing now is more mental. I am afraid of getting sick again (I don't do sick well) and I have no faith in any of the "science". I'm still tired, but my skin is not a pale uniform white. I can walk my house without being winded. I didn't even get a stool to finish cooking yesterday. I am getting back to me.
Thank goodness!
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