fractured...

Dragonflies = transformation

I've spent the last few days in a self created cocoon.  A time of reflection, creation, and peace.  Hubs and I said goodbye to 2020 quietly.  Alone.  The full moon flickering through the clouds and rain.  We never stay up, but this year... well out of respect I felt we should. 

2020 was a year that brought us all to our knees in different ways.  Some of us felt it metaphorically, for some it was quite literal.  Be it a return to faith or in a breaking manner.  The lessons of 2020 will not soon, if ever, be forgotten. 

It was the longest year ever and in the very same moment the shortest. It feels as if we've blinked and it vanished. As we celebrated New Years Eve it felt as though we should be back somewhere at Easter, so much was missing and or changed, possibly forever. 

I remember my initial disbelief.  I still struggle with the over all picture of what has happened. Oh I fully believe that there is a virus and that people have died with it. The rest of that picture is a struggle for me. Yet that isn't why I am writing. 

I also remember my initial fears, as the non-stop media barrage of information and fear stats poured out. I was terrified, mostly for Hubs.  As we were both deemed essential workers and were out and about each day. Hubs fell into the high risk categories. Age and health issues being near the top of the list. 

We were not in those groups that could lock the doors and keep it outside. 

Slowly, my thoughts and feelings changed.  

They fractured. 

I personally will never be the person I was.  I feel like I have stepped out of the world I have lived my entire life in.  I watch it with caution, trusting my own intuition now. I always have been "that" person. Never able to believe what I am told, needing proof.  Needing to see and experience it. 

I remember the conversation with my then supervisor in regards to all that was to come.  I argued against it, because something deep inside was pushing me in an opposite direction. I couldn't accept what I was being told to accept. 

I'm still that person. I am still questioning, searching for truth and answers. Hurting when I see other's blindly following along, having faith in what they are told without question. Almost refusing to have faith in what they know in their hearts.

Ironically, I feel a greater sense of freedom than I have ever experienced in my life.  I feel like I have had my heart opened. My eyes are clearer, in a strange way. I am not sure there are words to explain how I see things now.  

Last picture of 2020

I have been blessed by 2020.  I learned to go inside myself, to meditate and focus on a greater source of knowledge. I learned to be less trusting in what I am told to believe and to focus in the quiet to feel what I need to believe. 

For most of my life I have struggled with church.  I have a very strong faith, deeper than I can place into words. Yet my faith, has never been in man, in what I am told to believe.  2020 has given my faith a clearer definition.  Permission to be deep, wild and rich.  To follow my heart and to learn. 

I started several down several spiritual paths in 2020.  I took my initial Reiki class.  Life did not allow completion at the time. At that moment I was resentful and angry.  It is something that I have wanted to pursue for a long time, and I raged at the fact that while the rest of the world was comfy and able to stop I couldn't follow something dear to me. 

Sometime in the past few days of silence and creating it came to me that I wasn't ready to follow that path yet. 

I hadn't fractured all the way at that time. I am not sure that I am there even yet. I have more internal work to do. I need a stronger connection before I can release myself to follow that path. I feel it growing daily. 

For Hubs and I 2020 was a year of changes and growth.  Our holiday was crazy and wonderful and heartbreaking. All wrapped up in the same bubble. It was the first year ever without fur babies, our boy or Christmas Eve by the fire with kiddos.  It was a time where we had nothing holding us in place. It was a strange freedom. 

We planned our vacation around the boy's usual home time. Only to find he wouldn't be home.  Our girl was busy with her kiddo's - as they are rapidly growing and developing their own traditions.  Our newest daughter has her own family traditions and we were stumped as to how to proceed. 

Guilt that we weren't following the "traditional" holiday plans was nagging at us when we decided to run away.  Again 2020 gave us the gift of experiences and fresh eyes. It was a quick trip.  No time to deep dive in or to see all we didn't know we wanted to experience. Yet, it was fresh, wonderful, wrapped in us and our time together.  We experienced sunrises and sunsets in beautiful places, we laughed, walked, giggled, did I say walked? 

Strolling along broad expanses of white beaches in the bitter wind filled my soul with joy.  I needed it. I felt like it was blowing away the remaining bits of fracture. I felt alive. We weren't living in the world that the television was showing us.  Far from it.  Sure we had our masks, don't even ask my opinion on those.  

Bethlehem Star 12/21/2020 

My insistence on seeing the Bethlehem Star, or Jupiter/Saturn conjunction from my own driveway led us home probably earlier than we needed to be. Although I would not trade the joy of sitting out in the cold driveway experiencing that moment.  Hubs gathered quite a few of our neighbors to enjoy the magic of a moment not seen for over 800 years.

We wrapped up our year spending time with the family in non-traditional ways.  Christmas morphed into a three day holiday.  A time to enjoy time with our girls and the boy remotely.  So different.  Yet so beautiful.  

For me 2020 fractured most traditions, it opened my eyes.  My girl for years has been saying the things that it took 2020 for me to truly realize and appreciate.  Dates on a calendar are not written in stone.  The feelings, emotions, experiences and moments are far more important. 

To me Christmas was far richer than I can ever remember.  All the decorations did not go up.  It was about substance, not appearance. I cherished the small gatherings, the conversation, the time around the fire.  The times when it was just Hubs and I sitting around the fire drinking hot tea and enjoying the beauty of the moment. 

For the first time in far too long I was gifted things that people made for me.  My heart soared at that.  I love homemade gifts.  I think that is why so many of mine are homemade.  It isn't because I'm cheap, Lord knows if you have ever made things for others you know that it is not cheap.  It's because of the time, the thought, the prayers and wishes for that person that goes into it.  I cherish the time I am creating for someone, it makes me feel a deeper connection to them. Both of my grandma's used to send home made gifts, my great grandma too.  I still have most of those treasures.  Some are ragged and beat up. Yet they are treasures. I will have them when I leave this earth.  Because they mean that for a moment in time, I occupied their thoughts. 

Christmas love!

This year felt filled with practicality (my love language).  Gifts were chosen with purpose, not because of advertising or a need to simply have. It was wonderful.  Meals were shared around laughter and conversations.  I am not sure which highlight from Christmas melted my heart more.  Listening to Hubs and our grand daughter and her friend talking and laughing on the deck, just the three of them.  Chatting by the fire inside with my girl, just her and I or gathering with Hubs and her by the fire outside and chatting with the boy on the coast.  Of course there was the oldest girl, her Hubs and her youngest gathered together opening first Christmas presents and the joy of having an ornament with all nine of our grand-babies names on it. Or maybe it was two of my sisters and my girl gathering to meet our newest girl and her Hubs... so many incredible memories.  So much love. 

I am thankful for the fracture.  I am thankful for the shattering that occurred.  Old beliefs, patterns and habits had to change to bring about a different way. 

I am sure that the calendar changing did not automatically change the challenges that we are living in.  The world will not go back.  I said that in March, not realizing that it was fairly prophetic. We can't go back. Too many things have shifted forever, there are choices that have to be made.  I feel we are still at a point of struggle.  I don't for a moment think 2021 is going to be a year free of hurt, challenges, struggles, it will not be pain free. It will be a time for growth.  Because through adversity comes growth.

But I firmly believe that we have it in our complete control to create the life that brings us joy.  To celebrate freedom and to give love to all in unending ways. We each have the ability to make everyone around us a bit happier, to make life a bit easier.  I believe that each of us made a choice to be here at this time.  Each of us has a duty and a mission to fulfill.  Are we brave enough and committed enough to do so?

I am looking towards 2021 with compassion, love, grace and courage.  Those are the intentions I have chosen for myself.  I am going to continue to work on me and at the same time insure that I am opening my eyes and seeing clearly.  No just with my physical eyes, but with my intuition.  We all have it and have the ability to use it.  

Thank you 2020 for the fracturing, for the clarity, for the opportunities. 

As we welcome this new journey around the sun, I welcome you and the lessons that you have for us.

First picture of 2021