Since being sick I have had the strangest dreams. Some of them I am sure were driven by fever and a pure state of not being connected to any sense of reality. Some of them have induced pure terror that I have refused to go back to sleep from. Thankfully, those ones are fading.
I believe we are in a place in this world where we are actually getting closer to the perfection of knowing who and what our purpose is, I know that sounds insane given what is going on in the world today. It feels like birthing pains if you step back and look. I want to narrow it down to just our country, but honestly the world is going through some amazing, terrifying, unifying and destructive times. I believe we will finally come to a place that is pure, where the things we have been either refusing to learn or too wrapped up in our programming to notice will be clear. Where so much of the hurt and pain will be just like birthing pains, left behind in the beauty of the gift of life.
No, I am not still dreaming. Although today's was a wonderful one to wake up to. I lay still for probably 30 minutes absorbing the beauty of it, and listening to my inner heart. Where I believe the very essence of God is. I am a deeply spiritual person. I am not a deeply religious person, in fact I am probably one of the most rabid anti-religious people I can imagine.
In my waking moments of my dream I realized that I had been blessed today. Today, I felt a healing in my very soul. The knowledge that I am on the right path, that we all are. We have simply got to start being still and silent.
We have got to start allowing ourselves to stop being programmed. Defined by others. In so many ways each day we get out our predictive programming, we find ourselves marching along without taking the moments to stop. To simply be.
I'm in that weird space, I am feeling well. I can breathe, I am no longer consumed by fever, I am not sitting staring off into the distance. My body feels like my own again. I still am not feeling strongly about eating and I am unbelievably thankful that my knees have had this moment to rest. I am sure all the steroids that were required are very much responsible for the fact that the inflammation is down and I can walk without pain for the first time in literally a year.
But I am weak. My mind is already trying to push me. The programming to do, to be, to accomplish. To trade my health and my well being for a punch list of things that must be done. Yesterday as I moved through the day, pushing myself to not hear my body I found myself weary. I almost took a half sick day and slept.
Pride wouldn't let me.
Slowly throughout the past few days I have been doing small loads of laundry. I know major accomplishments right? A couple of times I felt like folding a load of laundry was equal to climbing a mountain. I was semi-joking with Hubs that we have too much stuff. Meaning clothes, as here no laundry of any kind had been touched for weeks between us and we hadn't run out of anything. Now in all fairness I am pretty sure we've been living in PJ's, but as I was struggling with those bite sized bits of laundry I realized we trade a great deal of our life and time for stuff.
We trade moments of laughter, walks in the sunshine, doing things that are meaningful to us on a deeper level for dollars to buy stuff we don't need, to have things that don't meet our basics of life. We have huge groceries full of junk. Yet take little time to prepare a meal with real ingredients. To savor the joy of growing our own.
I was sitting exhausted with Hubs last night, not enough energy to think or really do anything, but too early to go to bed if I wanted a full night's sleep. He was watching a sitcom. I like a few moments of laughter, but this one is starting to get on my nerves. Badly. I don't like stupid. I don't like being programmed and that is how it feels. Men dumb, women unimportant, kids stupid. Dumb things are funny, haha... no thank you. Yet I could feel the programming. A commercial came on, it literally showed young people being programmed on their phones to accept credit scores and the results of programming on your ability to be happy.
It felt like a huge splash of ice cold water.
My joy's yesterday came in the most random of things. A check in with the oldest grand daughter, and laughing about potatoes value over other vegetables.
A video of my daughter playing ball with her cats, their chunky butts being all proud when they caught the silly little pink ball. And chatting about how difficult it would be to not bring home a marmoset baby when she has the opportunity to hold one in a few weeks. And a cuddle house full of baby animals!
The short, typically brief message from my boy telling me that he was so thankful I was getting well. That his boss had just lost his mom the day before and he was sad for him, but so thankful it was not him losing his mom. That simple exchange was a pure declaration of love, my heart was is so full.
It was chatting with my mom talking about life, who we are as people and deeper things.
The text message from my sister that I often find myself closest and most distant to all at the same time. That simple message was filled with love. She truly has the most loving heart of all of us, but heaven forbid you see it. It made my night!
It was attempting to plan a pizza dinner with the oldest daughter, we are still in that amazing getting to know you stage and this time feels like it has stolen time that is still far too precious.
A text from my sister by heart to send me a picture of her newest grand baby - fresh and ready to be part of a wave of love blanketing this wonderful world.
A message of love from a dear friend that didn't know I had been ill and wishing me well. Several others simply checking in... those moments of time from their lives priceless gifts to me.
A few moments spent trying to be virtually present to support my employee as she grapples with the grief of time lost as she is getting ready to bring the first great grand baby for a grandpa that is now gone.
Following the insanity of my highly talented grandson and his quest for paint. He is so very talented, and his pleas with my daughter and his bio mom humored me greatly.
A dinner with sweet Hubs that neither of us cooked thanks to the love my diva's. I was able to expend the energy that I had left just chatting and talking.
Life is a such an incredible bucket of wonderful!
I am humored that as I pressed Hubs pants this morning, I'm not up for ironing that whole mess yet, but I am getting there. The title for this blog and where my brain was going came up with programmed.
I have been following a couple of great conversations on Facebook between cousins I don't know well, but it is filling me with so much hope. People wanting to control all of us have been programming us for a long time. Taking away our ability to think clearly, playing on emotions, ideals, hopes and dreams. Telling us what to do, when to do it, what to think, feel, hear. Like I said there are too many layers of all of this right now. Too much to delve clearly into. It isn't something that is new, it's been going on forever.
Yet to hear honest questions asked. To read a sharing of thoughts that are open with a willingness to learn from one another. It was powerful to me. Ironically the conversation that caught my attention was around a few comments that have been flying around the news and social media about "reprogramming". About the need for half of the country, at least, to be reprogrammed.
I'm tired of being programmed.
I'm tired of my life being filled with things that someone else has determined I need, want, must think, must do. Am I the only one?
I was flipping through social media this morning, a bit saddened to see that they are tracking hard right now. Almost every other thing popping up relates to yarn right now, silly me getting those blocking forms. All of it designed to sell me something else. FYI social media, I don't need you to show me yarn if I look at some patterns. And I don't need menu ideas. With a healthy sprinkling of quilting patterns and suggestions for trips. Let me think for myself.
I am sitting here, in front of a fire that my sweet husband made me. He brewed my coffee, moved my laptops - work and home to my small space of peace. In a moment I am going to bake some muffins that he loves, he took the time to clean our kitchen and prepare the space for me. I can take the time to make his favorite breakfast foods.
I am learning so much from so many spaces, who knows I might actually some day start putting rhyme or reason behind the thoughts in my blog, make order out of chaos, but truthfully... I will probably always be me.
I do know that this programming has to stop. The only voice I want in my head needs to belong to God and to knowing my true self. To be true to myself and my fellow man, to our greater purpose. To focusing energy, love and strength into raising the global vibration.
It's time to be small and be okay with it.
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