buckle up!

It's a new year, new decade, new moment in time.

I've been a bit silent.  I am still processing many things that are manifesting themselves in my world.  Most external things are just as they've always been. My Hubs, kids and grands fill my world with love, meaning and purpose.  I have a career that most of the time I love, and the rest of the time challenges me to grow as a person. 

And I have me.

I don't understand the significance of 2020 to me, but for some reason it is resonating and demanding my attention.  All of this is a season of change for me, the person.  I will be 55 in this year.  I was talking to my girl the other night and casually made the comment "I'm only going to be 55 this year"... she laughed at me, I think with a bit of disbelief.  I am not sure she is handling her number this year so easily.  It was what she said in response that has made me really climb into this deep level of thought and processing.  Her comment was "yeah... I feel like you are starting the second half of your life..." there was other parts to her comment.  Parts that circled around the journey's that I felt inclined to start last year. 

The me part of this is hard.  I am not a person that puts my own needs or wants first.  Before anything else I am a wife, a mother and grandmother. I've always squeezed things of importance in my life into the cracks left after being those things and a dedicated employee. I feel I am probably a very slow learner, because I think the first thing I truly did for myself was this blog.  I started writing it to sort out my thoughts, hopes and dreams.  Truthfully, I don't know how much sorting I have done, but as it has ebbed and flowed over the years I have learned to live a bit more holistically.  I have slowly learned that all of the bits and pieces come together to make a whole person, if you pay attention.

In July when I lost my heart boy, my sweet and precious Gator, I felt another piece snap into place. I had to work through the grief, the pain, he'd saved my heart so many times.  I was struggling through some health issues that I didn't want to deal with.  I didn't feel like it was important enough.  Correction, I didn't feel that I was important enough.  I was biting my lip and dealing with pain that was almost unbearable, and I was doing it in silence.  Because I hate leaving my problems for others. When I picked up my sweet boy for the final time, worried that the pain would stop me, I knew it was time.

I scheduled appointments, discovered what they believe was causing it and found out that doctors today don't really care about you as a person.  You are simply a paycheck in far too many instances. That's fine.  I am a strong researcher, I will find holistic ways to deal with the problem. 

The universe had been guiding me towards the answer for almost two years, but in my stubbornness and single focus on just surviving life, I refused to see the signs or hear the messages.

Enter whole food, plant based.  It's been six months now.  As long as I focus on clean plant based foods, I am in great health.  There is no pain - not even fibro pain.  I have energy and clear focus.  There are days that just like every human on the planet, I can be lazy and don't have the energy for a clean plant based diet.  I slide into the world of vegan junk food.  Things that are fried or processed.  Whatever it takes to get through the week.  I can tell instantly that I have done it.  The scales goes the wrong direction from massive sodium intake, I ache, I'm sluggish, and just feel yucky.

I'm digressing.

2020 has been consuming.  I've been digging deep into many things.  I'm still digging. I haven't created a rock solid plan, but I don't believe that there is a rock solid plan.  I believe that it's important to flow with the universe.  To follow the guidance that exists in our very souls.  We just have to listen. The mind is a powerful thing.  Words are a powerful thing.

I started walking and was evening trying to escalate to a bit of running.  That did not go well, the running part, so I will not do that again.  And even though at the time, I could barely walk on my "good knee"... I signed up to walk a total of 2020 miles this year.  The only person I am racing against is me.  I want to prove to myself that I can do it.  It's such a powerful feeling.  I also now know that I will never be a runner, unless I want two knee replacements, I don't.

2020 is my year to explore me.  To dig into what makes me tick and feed it. For the first time, I am giving myself total permission to fill my bucket first.  I started slowly last year.  I actually asked to explore the Great Smokey Mountains and add an unexpected day to our journey.  My sweet loving Hubs knew it was important, he didn't hesitate.  Even when we both were getting super tired and longing to stop driving.  We celebrated the moments.

What I am finding is that by saying something is important to me and acting on it, it doesn't diminish my ability to be a loving partner and mom.  I feel happier.  Hubs can do the things that fill his bucket, I don't have to sit and absorb another movie for the 50th time, just because he loves it.  It doesn't make who we are less important.

That is a lesson I am still learning. I love to walk with him.  It was our thing for so very long.  When he stopped, I stopped, I felt guilty continuing.  Like I was betraying an "us" thing. We have so little time that we get to spend together, I didn't want to steal minutes from that bucket simply for me.  When I started walking again a few months ago, I knew it was something that I needed, I was very mournful at first.  I was hurt that he didn't want to walk with me, when I had not wanted to walk when we first started walking together.  I felt resentful, I had done it for him, yet he wouldn't do it for me. Then something magical happened. 

I was able to set my own pace, be lost in my own thoughts and music, call loved ones and spend that time catching up with them.  Hubs was filling his bucket and I was learning to fill mine.  I was learning crucial lessons. 

I am giving myself permission to be me.  It's scary!!

I have always believed that I had to be just so to be part of a marriage, a friendship, as a parent, as a person.  I've always smashed my essence down to lift up what I believed was needed of me.

For almost 18 years my sweet Hubs has been teaching me that it was okay to be me.  I might not have always heard it.  In fact, I would say I have rarely realized it.  I was forcing myself into the role I thought he wanted from me, when all along he was okay with who I am.  My heart knew it belonged with him, that he is the person that completes my quirkiness.  We are not really remotely the same as people, but we are a love that was meant to be.  We are each others Yin and Yang.  Somethings we both love, others belong strictly to one or the other.  We support each other.  He has never told me no.  I have told me no many times.

2020 is a year of expansion, of exploring passions and desires.  It will be a year of much and a year of less. 

I don't know how much I will write.  I am still determining that.  I also don't know that it will follow the same style.  Probably will, as I believe the way I write is a true reflection of my soul.  I am a very simple woman.  There is very little complexity to me.  I am open and honest.  I feel that will remain. 

I have a wonderful life.  The bumps, bruises and tears only make the fabric of my life blanket richer.  I am focusing on doing things that fulfill me.  I want others to be part of my journey, but I need to finally realize that self-care is not selfish.  It isn't always about massages, facials, or manicures.  It is about experiences, it is about following your very heart, it is about being still and listening to the voices that are guiding you.  It is about the very power of the word NO.  Not using it abusively, but judiciously.  It is also about realizing and internalizing that you are not alone in this world, that your words, actions and beliefs can cause harm and hurt.  It is about knowing yourself and creating a harmonious life journey.  Lifting others as you lift yourself.

At least that is what I am coming to understand.  It might change as I continue to grow and as I continue on this journey that is filling my heart and making me feel strong.

I'm ready to tackle the next half of my life.  I am excited to celebrate my 55th trip around the sun and I plan to do so in the best physical and mental shape of my life.

I am ready!!