escape plans

Innocent words, harmless in their structure and meaning. Parts of random conversation.

Reminders.

I'm sliding off into an abyss.  I am not sure I am strong enough to take any more.

I'm sitting here feeling crushed.  Not even sure there are words to sort it all out.  None of the words or actions are wrong.

Problem is, they are far too right.

My sweet hubs is off on a morning ride to catch the sunrise.  He has no idea how much I have been longing for that very thing.  It was one of our favorite things to do when we had nothing.  Just an old used bike that he kept in good shape and time.

That's the problem... time...

I hope he finds the very joy we used to find together.  Down meandering roads, watching dear bouncing through the grasses. The mist hovering just about the ground and the sun taking a leisurely stroll above the horizon.

His heart felt note taped lovingly to the mirror, doors pulled shut so I could rest, was a dagger.  It was given in pure love.  An acknowledgment of the sheer exhaustion I am feeling and dealing with, pure love.

Our mornings are no longer our own.  Either he is working or I am.  I don't remember the last time I arrived home at a reasonable hour, so there is no time there either.

I am missing out on everything.

Life. Is. Too. Short.

I hate heights.  They make me sick.  Yet I'm standing up on the top of the highest cliff and there is no where to turn or run.

There is no out.

My grandchildren are finding other grandma's.  Because this one "is always working".

Anyone remember the song "Cats in the Cradle"? In this hurry, rush, move at the speed of light life that we seem to lead nowadays... it's becoming my theme song.

My dad was always busy.  Always gone.  I am becoming that person. I am living my life through a series of pictures, video clips and loss.

My daughter could tell I was hurting and upset last night, but not why.  And trying to put it into words, i couldn't.  It made me cry.  She had some pretty profound things to say, asking me if I had found a plan to make things better.  Wanting to know what my exit strategy was.  What was the path I needed to follow to get where I wanted to be.

As I sat quietly watching the shooting stars - the sky was full of them last night.  Making wishes and chasing dreams.  My heart was breaking and my mind wouldn't focus. It had been so long since I had sat and enjoyed the silence, stars and company of loved ones on a beautiful evening.

She left around 11:30, her older kids were coming out to spend the night and have quality mom time.  She isn't missing a moment in time.  She is making memories.

If I disappeared tomorrow, just got in my car and kept on driving, how long would it truly be before anyone noticed?  Work might be the first.  But my family and loved ones... Hubs would be next but not for around 10 hours (how far can a person go in 10 hours), unless someone from work called to see where I was.  My kids and grand-babies... who knows.  They have become immune to my absence.

It isn't just me.  I listened to a young lady asking what work life balance was, and was it worth the price. Because from her young space in the world, the price was far to high.  I celebrated knowing that another friend who has been working far too much told me she was taking some down time. She needs it.

What is the price?  I heard that very question asked.  And I felt the struggle all the way down to the depths of my soul.  How do you define the price?  How do you estimate the price?  The cost?  Do missed opportunities, lack of energy to be able to do anything else?  Does the loss of yourself have a price tag?  Is a person's life worth as much as they are being paid to do a job?

I'm always rushing in to concerts, recitals, missing important moments.  It feels like an eternity since I have been able to plan and execute anything?  People ask me for stuff and I have seriously reached the point the only answer I have is "no".

No, I can't do dinner.  No, I can't make plans.  No, I don't have time for phone calls.  No, I don't have the energy to engage in a block party.  No, I don't have the strength any longer for any of it.

I am surrounded by a life unlived.  I am checking off boxes and struggling as a human doing, when I crave to be a human being.  Planters unfilled, a beautiful deck paradise sitting lonely and bare. A big, well lit, sewing room, something I have longed for is still scattered with boxes, a path to the sewing machine is all that shows it can even be used.  Sweet Hubs was shocked when I told him I'd downloaded a class to help me learn to use my long arm quilting machine.  I guess in all the idleness he figured it was simply something that I had wanted for decoration.  My unspun roving hangs forlornly, on my beautiful spinning wheel. Another decoration in a life unlived.

The people I love are finding replacements to fill the voids left by my absence.  I'm not dead, although I am slowly being replaced.

One of my staff gave the mission moment this past week at a meeting.  Ironically, it was the poem "The Dash".  One of my absolute favorites.  She had no idea that was the case, she had no idea the power that had on me, has for many years.  Am I living my dash?  Or will it simply be just that, a dash.

My dear sweet Hubs saw my text.  I don't know what it said right now, it was a heartfelt response to the post-it on the mirror telling me he was chasing the sunrise.  He pulled over and called me.  He heard the hurt in my heart, not at him, but at the loss of an opportunity.

In his kind, sweet way.  He ordered me to go put on riding clothes, that he was on his way.  I didn't get to watch the sunrise.  I did get to feel the wind on my face, my arms wrapped around my sweet husband.  I did get to enjoy the beauty of the countryside as it woke up to a beautiful Sunday morning.  The cool, crisp morning air only brought home a bit more strongly the need and desire to make a change. We found a precious little family restaurant for breakfast - down the road and around the corner from no where close.

The universe has been giving me messages.  Some have been far more subtle.  Friends posting quotes.  An overwhelming feeling of loss.  Some have been razor sharp, harmless words that cut all the way to the bone, because the truth they carried was more than could be measured in that moment.

I need to start listening.  I need to follow the advice I received last night sitting under a starry sky filled with shooting stars.

What is the escape plan?  And just what does that mean?