raging...

I've spent several exhausted evenings looking longingly at my computer.  I've written out numerous blogs in my head.  There is much circling around, trapped.  Thoughts that seem to be trying to force their way out.  In my tote there are piles of scrap paper with notes scribbled on them.

Writing is one of the ways that I balance and order my world.  I don't really have a purpose to it, or even a rhyme and reason.  One of my cousins when I first started blogging told me that I needed to find it's purpose if I wanted people to read it, to gravitate towards what I was putting out into the universe.  I didn't do that.  Because it wasn't about a how to, it wasn't tips for life, it's simply thoughts, ideas, and my own willingness to be vulnerable.

What I have found over the years that I have managed to find a moment here and there to jot down my thoughts, hopes, dreams and ideas is that the people that read and respond... they are my tribe.  They are the like minded souls that I needed to find.  Most of them are now very dear friends.  I need their lives to help balance mine.  There is even a deeper connection with family members.

Sitting here watching this raging storm surrounding me, it kind of matches where I have been lately. The whirlwind and storm that is bending trees and creating rivers in the road matches my internal struggles.  The thunder is pounding the very earth with it's sound.

I feel at peace.

Do you ever feel that you give too much of yourself to any cause that has value to you?  Do you find yourself feeling run down and worn because you are determined to make a difference?  I have found those are the people that I gravitate to.  If you are strong influence in my life or one of the people I hold most dear, you are definitely like me.

Which makes me wonder if I am destined to belong to a tribe of worn out, bone weary, coffee slugging givers.  People that struggle with boundaries, correction people that struggle with setting boundaries to protect themselves.

The past ten months have been exhausting.  Emotionally draining and frustrating.  I look around my home and realize that it has been completely neglected as I have been grasping at all the loose threads spinning rapidly around me. I wonder how much of everything in my life has been the victim of this storm.  I feel in many areas I am literally struggling to just survive, it's become a day to day battle.

One that is starting to wear on my health.

I wake up, start dealing with work, walk the boys more dealing with work, eat breakfast (on a good day), get ready, get in the car go to work (where I try desperately to at least get a call into mom - friends - I love you all - but I am truly fraying at the edges).

Work for the next 9 - 12 hours - always intending to leave at a reasonable hour, but getting stuck dealing with the unfinished business that those who feel their work/life balance is far more important than everyone else's, if I am lucky, I get home with enough time to fix and eat dinner before crawling in bed and giving up for another day.

I will fully own that some of this is my own choice.  For me failure has never been an option.  At least not in reference to other people.  I will sacrifice whatever is needed to keep a promise, hold tight to a commitment or obligation.

Yet things that bring me joy and peace, they get brushed aside.  I have so many unfinished projects.  So much of what fills my own bucket is brushed to the ground.  I am simply one person, and I always seem to honor and value the needs of the people that I perceive as being more "important".

The weekends have devolved into a time to catch up on rest, therefore sitting mindlessly and resting body, mind and spirit.  Or a mad rush to complete chores and plan for the coming week ahead.

Lately there have been a few things that are taxing my temper and patience. I have to find a way through it.  Because truthfully, it's exhausting.  I have members of my tribe that are as deep in the thick of things as I am. Deeper.  I'm trying to lift them up and support them, yet I know that I am not succeeding. I need those "selfish" people to stop for a minute and realize the universe simply does not revolve around them, that in order for any of us to get out of this alive it's a team effort.  Maybe if there was less "I" and more "us"... everyone would be in a better place. I'm tired of the mentality that it is a team effort when it benefits me, but not a team effort when it is for everyone.

I am truly tired.

I have nothing left to give myself and therefore nothing left to give others. Many of my tribe are in the same place.  Stay strong dear ones.

The storm is definitely raging...