have you tried...

I am learning.  

It's a late day for me and I am enjoying the solitude of the morning.  I am working on bringing some balance back to my personal life. 

This morning I was hoping to sit on my new deck, it's so pretty and feels so much safer than the old one.  Yes, I have actually jumped, wiggled and leaned on every bit to insure I felt secure. Unfortunately, the rain that we've been expecting for days has finally moved in and everything is drenched.  

My plan was to plant some flowers, putter around putting things back where they go (translation - out of the kitchen) and just enjoy some sunshine. I've picked up some beautiful lavender plants, I think the sun on the deck will be perfect for them. I also have some seed potatoes to plant in the old wash tub again this year.  Watching them grow was so interesting last year.  It's just going to have to wait until the weekend.  The sun is supposed to return and I will have more time. 

It's okay, I always have a plan B.  

Today it will involve a bit of needlework, I am trying to teach myself that my work is not all that defines me and that I can function quite well without always being deeply involved in work. I had developed a very bad habit, I was spending my home hours working on work and my work hours working on work.  

I think too many of us today define ourselves by how busy we can be.  We've allowed our electronic leashes of the phone and computer to keep us far too connected to our jobs, careers, etc.  Without considering the impact it is having on us. Hubs and I work for the same organization, so many conversations are just extensions of the day to day work.  There is no clear turning off of the light, so to speak. 

I had developed the habit of looking at my phone first thing in the morning and last thing at night to see if there was anything that needed immediate attention. 

Hubs is just as bad, if not worse.  He will sacrifice sleep to insure that he is keeping ahead. I admit I have been guilty a time or two of the same thing.  Budget season and reviews are crazy times and I will dig in deep to make it work. And don't get me started on Annual Campaign. 

As I am starting to force these self-imposed, not going to do it stop times on myself I am discovering that I have greater energy to deal with it in it's own space and time. I can be more focused and engaged. And I am enjoying the random moments with family and friends.  We actually stopped the world and enjoyed our oldest grand daughter's spring concert last night.  It was painful when I asked why we weren't told about them to hear, you guys are always so busy working we didn't want to add more.  

What?  I've been missing out on the important things for what??

I need to fill my personal bucket too.  The way I am reasoning this through is that I am sure my employers would not be thrilled if every minute I was at work I was doing personal business, I need to just as jealously guard my personal time from work.  I would never dream of not giving my all to work.  That just isn't who I am, but never think twice about taking my personal time and giving it up.  

There have been a few things lately that have really stirred my thinking.  And it isn't just the fact that nothing is getting done at home and I was constantly struggling to keep up. 

I try to keep an open mind.  To look at all perspectives and ideas.  Sometimes I succeed, other times, I feel it takes me longer to process. 

One of my biggest ah - ha's was one that took a bit of time to simmer and come to life.  I'm not old, but I am definitely not going to be confused with a youngster, I had been hearing more and more of my age peers making the statement "there is no work ethic among the young".  I've been guilty of thinking that myself on more than one occasion.  It was the most recent one that sent me into a tail spin and started unraveling my own thought processes. 

I was beyond furious at the young woman I had taken a chance on.  She had degrees, a skill set, and seemed to be someone that could tackle the job ahead of her.  Three weeks in she quit without notice.  We'd invested time, money, training and grace on her.  Working around her part time job's two weeks notice that turned into three, assisting with things when she couldn't be there, etc.  She left the department looking like someone had dropped a bomb right in the middle of it.  Schedules not done, lesson's not assigned, hiring and disciplinary actions left dangling, it was an absolute horror.  

In my frustration and anger I didn't take her up on her suggestion that she come meet with me to tell me what we had done wrong.  Hindsight being 20/20 I wish I had. Unfortunately her actions caused my entire world to hit a tailspin and increased my own work load to an almost unbearable level. 

During her three weeks with us, I had heard 'I need my time to keep balance", "I am not answering my phone on my off days or when I am doing things with my fiance'", " I don't check my email if I am not at work".  At the time, I wrote it off as youthful defiance, I mean haven't we all had those moments when we were young and learning how life worked?

I took on the task.  I started searching for a replacement, making schedules, finding instructors.  We made it "work".  Sort of.   The extra load was exhausting for me.  And my old school brain kept saying keep going.  In fact my sweet Hubs bought me a bracelet that I wear every day... it's plain silver on the outside with two arrows.  It's the inside that brings a smile to my face.  Hidden from the world it reads "keep f&#king going".

As I filled holes, waited patiently (yeah right!) for my new person to finish where they were at and join us, I was getting more and more frazzled, snippy and plain worn out.  To say my give a damn was breaking would be an understatement.  I mean seriously when you are excited to go take care of a family member having surgery because it meant rest, you have pushed those envelope edges too hard. 

As I sat in Arkansas, chatting with family, taking care of Mom, slowing down and simply being. I think I figured out what that young woman's message was.  It isn't unique to where I work.  It is today's world. Very few of us have the luxury of simply turning off the lights on our job's and going home.  Definite ends don't happen.  Long gone are the days that you walked out of work and barring a true emergency (epic on the scale of a fire, natural disaster, etc) that no one called you.  We live today in a very 24 hour society.  

I get messages from people on our business Facebook messenger at midnight, wanting an answer now.  We shop at all hours, very few places simply stop.  There isn't an end.  

Maybe our younger generation is trying to teach us a lesson.  Maybe the frustration we feel at the "I don't give a damn" attitude is being misinterpreted. Maybe it isn't they don't care?  Maybe it's simply that they are farther along in valuing themselves than the older generation is.  Maybe they have found that key to balance that we all seem to be searching for. 

I can't remember which country, but I read an article not too long ago, that a law had been passed forbidding work to be done in non-work time.  I'm not so sure we need a law for that, but maybe we all need to start balancing our time a bit better, learn from those young folks.  

Personally, after dealing with her job for over a month, I can assure you that I am exhausted.  Passing it off was a blessing.   And there were far too many times that I had my down time hijacked because of things that could have waited.  But once the pendulum had been swung that way, I did not have the personal ability to push it back. 

I wonder if somewhere in the middle, the value of the job and the value of your personal time isn't something we all need to learn and treat both with equal amounts of respect.  While also respecting where all of us are in our journey's. 

I'm respecting myself a bit more.  I'm cooking, cleaning, planting and crafting.  I am doing the things that fill my bucket with more intention.  I want to continue to love my job, I want to continue to be a contributing and sustaining part of the Y fabric.  I cannot do that if I fray my own edges. They I become a cog. I can't show up with joy and energy.  I show up with exhaustion.  

I also want those same ideals to apply to my home life.  I want to savor those long walks with my dog, instead of feeling the need to rush him (knowing that he truly isn't too much longer for this world) because I have somewhere to be and things to do.  I want to eat dinner at home and enjoy the time with my Hubs.  I want to sit in the auditorium proudly beaming at my grand daughter whether she is singing or planing an instrument.  

I want to be 100% present in my world. And not feel guilty for not focusing on work. 

I personally think each of us needs to own responsibility for our happiness.  None of us are cogs in a giant machine.  We are people that need balance, inspiration and rest. 

My favorite line from a show I used to watch with my son is "have you tried turning it off and on again".  It referenced a computer, but I think it applies to people also.