periods of change...

Twelve weeks ago I closed my laptop, not realizing that it would be that long again before I opened.  Not realizing it would be that long before I felt drawn to write again. Wondering if I am really ready to do so now.  I have felt the urge to write for a little over a week now. In fact I've even started a few times.  I just never finished, it wasn't time. 

As I was puttering in my garden this morning, savoring the early morning breeze and beauty, my time that I spent in prayer and deep in thought I again felt the need to write. 

Twelve weeks ago, maybe a bit longer I stopped using my social media for most things.  Sticking it on a back shelf only looking when there was something in one of my groups that I wanted to see or if I found out that there were pictures of my grands or my extended family.  

I have been going through a process of stepping back.  Of redefining my own boundaries, needs, my path through this journey that we are all on.  I have been digging deeper into the void that I feel we all want to banish.  I'm not lonely, not at all.  In fact I've never felt more connected and alive.  I've been making my personal circle smaller in many ways.  Yet it is giving me the energy to expand it greatly in others.  

There are days now, where I don't use my phone - at least not for communicating.  I use it for learning, doing research into topics that have sparked my interest or to address needs I have encountered in the garden.  

I find myself walking away from things, easily.  I was always that person that struggled with "no" or with standing up when I find myself in relationships or activities that don't bring me personal joy or comfort.  I was always that person that stood by miserably, but smiled anyhow.  The need to please stronger than the need for self-preservation. 

On the course of this path, I have been building new friendships, the kind that fill ones' soul.  People that are trying to be worthy, all while knowing that none of us are.  I am spending time and energy on people that fill my bucket with hope and joy.  I have several dear friends that I break into a huge smile every time I get a random text message from them.  People that I love deeply, people that love me back just as much.  Some have been in my life for decades, others just a year or so, they are priceless and each time we have a moment to connect it's as if the days, weeks, years have not even passed. 

Others are people I am just meeting, had a marvelous brunch yesterday that turned into hours of sharing and connecting.  Connections from church that are creating a spider web of support, love, commonality that I have desperately needed.  

I am spending a lot of time studying my Bible.  I adore my new church.  It fills my heart, the pastor and his wife (also a pastor) are amazing.  I leave each service or Bible study needing to dig deeper into the verse or verses.  I find myself lost in some of the lessons to a point of almost obsession.  I've never experienced that before in my life.  I've attended many churches over my life, I have never had a pastor that brings the Bible to life before.  I could list all of their doctrines, the rules of the church, to do's and don't's that you will not find in any Bible.  I don't believe our church truly has any of those things.  If it ain't in the Bible, don't bring it to the table is my current feeling.  Always be first and be there in love. 

Me, the person that doesn't like to join anything.  Finds myself volunteering whenever a need is brought forward.  I want to help in whatever way they need... well... let me clarify that, I am not finding myself volunteering with the kiddo's.  I love kids, I just am not at a place that I love being responsible for them.  Who knows that might return someday, I am willing to do small things, but not overwhelming things. 

I was listening to one of my favorite homesteaders yesterday from an event that I had wanted to attend, but things just did not line up, she was going to talk about permaculture gardening.  She is an unabashed Christian (one of the things that draws me to her) and as she spoke she had absolutely no problem connecting all of it together.  She draws me in the same why our pastor does.  Connecting life and everyday to God and the Bible. 

Change is good.  Change is needed.  I'm not crazy for wanting to step out of the rat race.  The rats are only getting bigger and meaner.  She speaks about her journey to slower and simpler.  To the fact that we don't need most of what we are encouraged to have so that someone else can obtain more money.  

The love of money is definitely the root of all evil.  The more I step back, step out, focus on what is truly important.  The clearer it's become. 

Belle makes herself comfortable, wherever

Dad... I'm just gonna sit on your leg 
until you realize that I want those treats

I've spent many hours enjoying my family (near and far), spoiling my puppies and my Hubs, making things, puttering in the yard and thanking God/Jesus for the bounty and blessings that surround me.

Forever I felt like I lived in lack.  A lack of time, energy, desire, finances.  I was focused on what I didn't have, when what I did have surrounded me in an abundance I failed to see.  This journey, path, quest... whatever you want to call it had definitely been opening my eyes. 

What?  No I do not have a rock in my mouth.
Why do you ask? (oh yes he did)

I stay busier than ever, my days start super early and have been ending even later most of the time.  And yet I am energized, fulfilled and happy. I made myself a shirt the other day... it summed up my thoughts entirely... the middle verse was the part that resonated with me "God feeds the birds, but he doesn't throw the worms in the nest".  We all have choices. 

I choose to stay busy.  I simply don't feel a sense of lack any longer. I've been really stuck in John 5 for a bit now, almost two weeks.  Marveling that Jesus healed a man that had no desire to heal himself, someone that was waiting for someone else to do the work for him.  I can never be worthy, I will always be flawed, I'm human.  I want to do my part though.  I want to be an active participant in this life. 

Well, I want to get started on a few more projects today, there is a podcast that I am wanting to listen to while I stitch and chores that need to be finished.  Yesterday was mowing in the early hours so as to avoid the heat.  Today, I have some harvesting to take care of. 

Gotta get going...