Before I really dig in, I've done a bit of tidying already but the digging in needs to wait, I need a bit of me time first. Hot coffee, the birds chirping (I noticed this morning we have a pair of hummingbirds that have found the feeder), and the surrounding silence are all things that I need a moment to savor. For far too long my world has been a series of rushing from point A to point B with a detour to D, M & Z and back again. Okay now I am totally laughing inside my head, did you notice the letters I randomly picked? DMZ - being a brat - that will always be the demilitarized zone - was that a Freudian slip?
I'm enjoying this slower more intentional life! It feels calmer, I am far more centered than I have ever been. I feel productive, like I am making a difference in my own life for a change. I love it! As I made Hubs' lunch and a hot breakfast this morning I enjoyed the calmness, the ability to take my time and provide for him. Not that I didn't before, but it was different. It was intentional.
In a few I will go and sit out back and play my singing bowl, I will sit in quiet meditation and listen to the sounds around me. I am resetting myself. I am learning to listen to my inner voice. It is sometimes a bit loud at the strangest times, like at 2:22 am when it wakes me from a dead sleep to let me know I am not listening.
When in fact, I am hearing it loud and clear. I am working on the more human aspects of pushing ego aside and having pure faith. If you are in that process yourself you understand, if not, well just wait. Because all of us reach a point in our lives where we will learn to step forward in pure faith. Ego simply tells us not to because it thinks it is protecting us, it isn't. It's stopping us. As I gently thank ego for all of it's hard and dedicated work over all of these years, I am longing to lean further into just knowing and stepping out in pure faith.
I have a tattoo on my right ankle, it is a beautiful watercolor, it says "What if I fall? Oh but my darling what if you fly!" Those words have deep meaning to me. Which is why they are on my ankle. I can only fall if I don't have faith. I have always believed that, but for far too long I didn't put it into action. Darn ego had me believing it was false.
It's definitely a bit unnerving and a bit empowering all at the same time. This week I will focus on cleaning up the past, starting fresh. After Sunday, I know where my focus is moving to. I know where my thoughts and heart are taking me. I will spend a bit of time this week reaching out to different groups. Particularly the one that my reader recommended, finding out if there is a need or even an avenue of desire for what I feel drawn to do.
I will continue to pray and meditate on it, so maybe it will stop reminding me in the middle of the night.
As I reset and refresh it feels so good to my heart. As I learn to let go of my ego self and simply be, that feels even better. I understand where my sweet boy is coming from when he says he would be okay staying/working at home forever. The fact that I have not been exposed to many people and their energy has definitely been helping me as a person. I am afraid that for far too long, I gave too much to others and didn't save much for me. As I was going through some old thank you notes I've saved today I notice a strong reoccurring theme... they all seemed to realize what I was simply blind to. That I gave far too much and carried even more to help others down their road.
I'm still going to do that, but in a far more structured manner. I feel almost as good about this path and place and time as I did in Germany when I finally learned to say no. It was so very hard to do. When people needed help or wanted something done and no one else would step forward I always raised my hand and said I would do it. That was how I ended up so involved in Scouts, PTA, yearbooks, wives clubs, etc. At one point I had a complete inability to simply say no. I believed everyone that said no one else will do it, I couldn't bear for those things to not happen. So instead of healthy boundaries, I stepped in and gave too much of me. I didn't realize the loss to my family, my friends or even myself. I remember sitting up late into the night with tears in my eyes, simply wanting to go to sleep, but knowing there was a deadline on the yearbook and all those "dedicated students" that I was leading had lost the drive once it became boring and tedious.
I've learned a bit more about life than I knew before. I have also learned a bit more about my own value as a human. I have far more respect for me than I used to possess. I understand that as a human I am more than a machine for something I am not passionate about. I am a strong woman, but I am also okay leaving that title aside and simply being a human.
Yesterday I made a tongue and cheek comment about I was excelling at being a 50's housewife (my sweet Hubs' ideal woman) and the person I made the comment to replied that I could never be a 50's housewife, I was simply too strong. I've thought about that for a few hours now. And I've decided that the truth is somewhere in the middle. I have a passion for being a homemaker, I was denied it for far too long, but being a strong woman... that comes from being a wife, a mom, and a caregiver. You have to be strong to be able to be all of those things.
I've said it in the past, and I am going to say it again, I come from an incredible line of strong women. There energetic power, strength and most importantly love runs strong in my blood and my DNA. And as I am further discovering who I am and who I am yet to become I am thankful for each of them.
These get better each day! As they used to say in the 50's "You razz my berries!" (Means: Impress me!) 381+
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