overflowing...

You can't pour from an empty cup or empty bucket for that matter.  Odd, I struggle to remember things, but that one always sticks in my mind.  I remember the first time I heard a bit of it, ironically my old boss had gathered a bunch of drop shaped paint swatches and we were to write something on them for everyone in the group - to fill their bucket.

For as long as I can remember, so many people have said that phrase to me. It has crossed my mind and been heavy in my heart.  For so long I had been trying to pour from an empty cup, and the sad thing is I didn't realize it.  That darn cup was so empty is was cracking from the strain and I didn't even understand or see it. 

Now that I've had a bit to breathe, a chance to not absorb, to simply be.  I realize it. 

I have so many people that I love in my life that I am watching struggle with the empty cup. I know there are even more on this planet that are dealing with the same thing. Look at the news, look at life, look around.  People with vacant stares, with lost looks, the bags under their eyes the inability to even think straight - oh wait sorry, I was describing how I used to be. 

I feel guilty.  I feel rested.  I am starting to feel vibrant.  I am starting to feel alive again. Yes, our world is different now.  I'm sure it will probably hit me eventually how different.  For now... I feel like a survivor with survivors guilt. 

I received a text, telling me about  "3 hours of sleep - mind wouldn't stop", another up all night with a sick little one.  Another conversation about work stress and feeling almost helpless to enact change. Each of these tears at my soul.  I remember those days.  I seem to not have so much of any of it any more.  

I find I am sleeping better than I have in a very, very long time.  I feel flexible and ready to tackle things.  I find myself feeling more ready, willing and able to help those around me than I have in... well shoot, I simply don't remember.  I remember always being willing, but I don't remember being ready or truly able. 

It feels like most of the people I know are struggling in that same way.  You want to help, you want to be there, you want to be the support, the assistance, the piece that helps the other become whole, and yet... you look at your world and struggle to see how you can. 

I truly believe in my heart that people are genuinely good, kind, caring and basically pack animals.  We want to be there, we need to be part of our own tribe.  Somehow, somewhere along the way we pick up baggage.  Too much work, too little work, too many responsibilities, too many rules, would have, should haves, etc.  We are all so busy punching a clock and working to make ends meet (they seem to always move further apart) that we don't have the energy, the time, the motivation to do anymore than we are. 

Yesterday, I was able to drop everything and support my girl - the dragon is sick with a virus, as she never gets sick it was nerve-racking. I was able to support family members and friends.  I realized I couldn't change things for anyone, but for a change I could be the shoulder to lean on.  The listening ear at the other end of the line.  I couldn't solve a darn thing, but I could give them a place to rant, a safe place to simply let it all out. 

None of it belonged to me, so I didn't carry it with me.  I simply returned to my tasks, I don't even feel like the stuff I do is considered chores any longer.  I completed my own to do list for the day or rather as much as I felt like completing.  I was able to simply be in that space.  To cherish the moments and be thankful for the ability to finally just be there. 

It was awesome.  

As I got dressed this morning to tackle the day ahead of me, and was chatting with Hubs I felt a bit of that survivors guilt creep in. He was heading off to work and I was able to simply already be at my work.  I used to be so jealous when he could work from home.  I struggled with bitterness that in my pups final years I wasn't able to be here. That he could take a moment's break and play with the dragon when she would drive up in either of her cars. Those were times that hurt my heart so much.  I felt robbed.  

On her way to Gramma

So when I was blessed to stop yesterday and simply be where needed, it felt wonderful.  I could almost feel the drops refilling my cup.  It was easy to be that person, because I had the overflow in my own cup to easily share. 

For a long time I have blogged about balance.  About my need for it.  As I navigate the different path ahead and make the plans and take the actions to create the life I want, I am overwhelmed with joy, love and peace.  I'm not looking at the world through rose colored glasses, I am looking at life in a different way.  A simpler way.  So much of what was, wasn't needed or truly wanted. 

 "My cup runneth over " Psalms 23:5, I finally get it.  

It was never about material things....