I haven't had time to blog this week. Work has been sucking up a lot of time, it happens in January. This year I am finding myself torn in a lot of directions. Physically, mentally and definitely emotionally. I feel that I am at a serious tipping point in my life. One of those crossroads. Left or right. Up or down. Stay or go. I feel that this is a defining year. It requires love and attention. It requires my participation.
I am a go with the flow person. For the most part I will ride the waves, I am not like the salmon, I don't fight the current. I am finding that turning point is invading my life. I am taking inventory of where I am and what I want.
I am celebrating my 50th year. I love it! I cannot wait until my sweatshirt gets here! It isn't like when I turned 25, which by the way I HATED! And I barely paid any attention to 30 and 40, they didn't even register despite the Red Head decorating work like a funeral home for 40. I didn't feel reflective, I didn't feel the need to evaluate if I was happy or the direction I was going. I just kept plodding along, floating with the river. Now that I am turning 50, I feel a strong need to stop, reflect, evaluate, and redirect. Am I happy? Fulfilled? Do I feel that what I am doing with every aspect of my life makes me feel alive, excited, facing the day with energy and power?
There's a country song... about my next 30 years... well I might have missed that by 20, but that's okay. What do I want the next 30 or so years to be? When I get to the end of my parade through life, will it be filled with regrets? Will I arrive at the pearly gates saying "man I sure wish I had worked a few more hours?" I doubt it.
I think that the next few months will see some serious changes for me. I plan to hit that big 50 feeling prepared for the next 30 or so years. Maybe it just took me 50 years to come into my own. To find my strength and my voice. Maybe to find my courage.
There are areas of my life, that the only thing in the world I would change is the amount of time that I have to devote to them. My family, my friends, my "hobbies" (yeah that could read passions). And there are others that are really starting to feel like shackles to the gallows. Things that I know will destroy me as a person if I allow them to continue.
At the end of the metamorphosis I fully intend to be a free flying beautiful butterfly, in all the glorious colors of the rainbow. I will still be drifting gently on the current, but it will be the currents of gentle air in warm sunshine, not a treacherous river with a strong undertow waiting to gobble me up. There will be many changes. Some areas of my life will only be enhanced, some will not even remotely resemble where I was last year.
I can feel the chrysalis forming. Those closest to me and my heart will be wrapped tightly in there beside me, I will need the love and support. Those further out or that are causing me harm will be left behind.
It's time.... I am ready to dance in the sunshine!
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