searching for balance...

I haven't had time to write... my need to list is crazy long and it is running smack dab into my want to list.  I got up super early this morning.  The sauce for the lasagna is made and so is the beef for today's burrito's at lunch.  I will assemble the lasagna tonight whenever we get home.  I am trying to get some dinners made for the Hubs.  I am going to be gone for almost a week with my boy!  My mom gene's are needing some time with my youngest child.

I feel like I have been running as fast as I can straight into a brick wall.  And honestly, I'm feeling like the fight is leaving me worn, weary and frustrated.

I'm torn about so many things right now, ambivalence factor about 99%.  I keep hearing a song playing over and over in my head... well maybe not a full song, but the refrain.  Should I stay or should I go... I am pretty sure it is simply the need to take a step back, to have some down time and as it is now almost June to actually take a true vacation. Not just a stolen day here or there.

Of course the wife side of me is frantically trying to make sure the Hubs doesn't suffer for my short visit west. Big pan of enchiladas are already in the freezer, lasagna will join it tonight.  The only thing left to make will be chili.  That should hold him on the home cooked meal front. Laundry is all done, although ironing is not.  I am fairly sure that I will do one more load tomorrow morning before work.  I leave straight from work on Thursday.

Yes. I spoil him.  Stop thinking it!  I will say it for you.

But he spoils me too, and personally I think that is one of the key pieces in a strong happy marriage.  He sure didn't have to stay behind to take care of the boys.  He is doing it out of love.  So that I can enjoy the few days with my boy without worry or stress.  So if I can make it easier for him while I am away over a holiday that we could have spent together, you'd better believe I am going to do it.

Anyone that is blessed enough to find their other half... and for both of them to recognize it, truly should celebrate that fact!  Just like I do not believe you can spoil a child by loving them, I do not believe you can spoil an adult.

Frankly, I think that is a source of a lot of my ambivalence lately.  Too many things that originate in the very depths of my heart get shuffled away, they take a back seat to what is probably my own stupidity.  Not fighting for what is truly important and shuffling through trying to "do it all"... evidently, I might have a challenge with prioritizing.  Or maybe I need to take off the silly "have to glasses" and re-evaluate... no re-elevate what is truly important to me.

Last night, I was sitting in my sewing room working on a small repair for a dear friend.  It wasn't that I didn't want to do it, I truly did.  It was that I seem to live by non-stop deadlines anymore.  I have baby quilts unfinished for children that are now growing up, my spinning wheel holds the remnants of my last spin.  A beautiful yarn that I hope to make into a pair of socks or a hat some day.  I have memory quilts stacking up, longing to be completed, no where close to done.

Hubs and I find scattered moments to do things that matter, while looking at an endless list of chores that I can't find minutes to complete.

A trip to see my parents was 12 long hours of driving for less than 6 hours or quality time.  I will do it again. Sometimes you simply have to.  Too many people that are dear to me are suffering horrible, permanent loses. Just yesterday, Hubs almost added my sweet Hubs to that list.  Almost falling off a roof at work.  I am glad I wasn't there.  I am even more glad it was an almost and nothing more. I was sick when he told me. Terrified.

I stole an hour yesterday, it was mine, it was a time to reconnect with a dear friend.  To laugh, to celebrate and to feel a deep gratitude for the blessings that each of us have been given.  To hear that prayers I had been praying for her were being answered almost daily.  I needed that.  It was like cool, clear water on my heart and my soul.  I didn't realize how parched and shallow my being had become.

Tonight after work, I am skipping a "work function" which is how I am feeling about the event.  There will be others.  Tonight I am celebrating my sweet grand daughter.  She is going to be singing the National Anthem with her choir at the Cardinals game! Those are the moments that make a life.  Not a fancy dinner for a promise after I am dead.

Time for some soul searching... time to unwind this incredibly tightly wound life that I am currently living... oops... time to get ready for work...

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