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Interesting sounds are bouncing around outside.  I am trying so hard to get motivated to do something, anything really!
Flower's from Hubby...
I am sitting here listening to the birds compete with the cars racing past.  Looking around my house, making a list in my head of all the things I need to do. I am afraid to commit that list to paper, because sadly, I am afraid it will scare me to death.  Heck, lately just the list of things I would like to do scares me to death.

I am fairly positive I am not planting a garden this year.  Too tired.  My fibro is conspiring with life to make energy not something I have in abundance.  I seem to use all my energy in the simple act of working and getting through each day.

There has been a lot of negative thoughts in my head lately, and I am really struggling to push them out, to focus on the good and the positive.  But sometimes when feelings get hurt and hearts get involved it isn't so easy.  I am fairly certain that is the cause of the flares.  Stress is my mortal enemy.

And sadly there has been a lot of stress and ugly lately.  And I am not really sure how to process it.  The past week was tough. One day even found me close to tears all day.  It was frustrating.  I am a happy person.  I love life, and I usually do not want to run from it all.

I am slowly coming around this time.  I can feel it.  I don't feel as angry, as hopeless and helpless.  I still feel hurt and disappointed though. I am also sure some of it has to do with this "cold" (yeah lets call it that) that I have been struggling with for over 3 weeks now.  Sooner or later I will break down and head to a doctors office (can you tell I deem that an acceptable solution?  NOT).  But mostly, it is things that I cannot control or impact and it is wearing me down.

Losing myself in things I love helps.  Yesterday, I was not thrilled about being at work all day.  Seriously, who is thrilled by working 6 days in one week.  I have long ago accepted it, but it wasn't making me smile to be inside when the sun was shining (too cold to be out though) and I could have been home with my hubby and boys.  And then it happened... it was time for the quilting class that I was teaching.

Initially I was concerned over having three young girls in the class, as well as three adults.  I was worried, that the project was going to be too hard, that they would not understand the basics well enough to be successful.  I was worried that my current mental state was not going to allow me to be successful as their teacher.

I shouldn't have worried.  It was hectic and a bit frazzled around the edges at first.  The first hour was brutal!  The excitement and the energy was palpable.  Suddenly like a switch had been turned it all stopped and started to flow.  I could feel the energy level shift, the excitement started to be contained.  And as 5 potholders came to be, you could feel the pride and success!  I felt sorry for mama, she helped me with those three young girls and wasn't able to make one herself.

I need that flow a little more consistently. 

When friends, family and even strangers let me down and hurt me, I need to look past it.  I know we are all human and that we do things occasionally that cause hurt and distrust.  Sometime it might not be an accident, but an unwillingness to treat people as we ourselves want to be treated.  I am sure I do that to others from time to time without realizing it.  None of us are perfect.

I am still feeling a little conflicted and stressed.  I am still feeling a need for a shift inside.  I still want to run and hide.  But slowly the lens is clearing.  It feels like I am standing on the precipice, waiting for the sun to whisk away the fog.  So that I can see my way to safer grounds.  I am still being cautious and watchful.  These are not normal actions for me.

As I stand frozen in time, watching, waiting and trying to find my way forward.  I am also reevaluating, and measuring value of people and things in my life.  It's a turning point.  I know there are many things that will change as we move forward with life.  I know that I have several rocks to cling to the Hubby and the B's... my eldest and my youngest, and a few unnamed. And as for the rest... well God knows best.

Peony from my sweet neighbor... who never lets me miss the beauty as it arrives!
I should clean my house, I should iron clothes, I should sweep and mop and mow the grass.  I think what I will do instead is see if Hubby wants to head to a Renaissance Fair.  Lose myself in the past to find my path forward into the future...

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