stuck...

Currently finding myself in that weird space, the one where there is so much that you want to accomplish that you cannot move forward. I am spinning and feeling twisted.  

It's not a bad thing, it is definitely something I completely recognize about myself. I used to feel it a lot in my old job, when there were several major deadlines looming with the stress and challenge level high. It was never about my ability to complete the task, it is almost always about indecision paralyzation. I think at some level all of us experience from time to time.  I know my triggers and I am well aware of how they effect me. 

I currently have about 7 projects that I need to either complete or start.  Maybe more if I am honest.  And I am feeling absolutely frozen.  Which one to tackle, what order, which has the shortest deadline (ummm, right now, none), etc. I am allowing everything and it's brother to distract me. 

Go out to lunch?  Sure, that will take most of the day right? Doctor's appointment?  I need a few hours to prep for that 15 minute drive... don't I? 

I want to complete it all.  I am anxious to start, to complete, to do.  But I find myself frozen.  Without a path forward, because of indecision. 

It isn't just about projects, it happens to me with all changes, with all situations.  I can end up in turmoil over dinner sometimes.  And don't get me started about planting a garden or a painting project. 

seriously even my hydranga is confused
I mean, pink or purple?

I envy the people that always seem to know what they are doing, when to accomplish it, how much time and effort the project or activity will take. 

Here's the kicker.  I do this to myself.  I also know exactly how to fix it.  Yet I will continue to create chaos for myself for a bit longer.  Then I will make a list of everything that needs completion.  And I will simply start. 

I think for most people that simply starting is the hardest part.  So instead we sit and stew, we worry, we feel frozen. We wait for the appropriate time to begin without interruptions, without distractions, that perfect moment and time.  Failing to realize that perfect moment in time is when you simply begin. 

For me it is also a fear of failure.  I hate to fail at anything! So I stall, I drag my feet, I live in a world of excuses and distractions to avoid taking that chance. I do and don't understand why I am like that.  I know my daddy always wanted his girls to be perfect, but oddly, other than school work, I never felt pressured to be someone I'm not. Look at society, it's always pushing perfection.  I think the external forces and the fear of failure make me question my abilities. 

The not good enough factor, the internal messaging to stay in mediocrity to avoid the shame of failure. When the truth is that each of us is a bright shining star.  Maybe not in everything, heck, no maybe's about it.  Definitely not in everything.  Yet inside all of us are talents, sparks, gifts to share with the world if we become brave enough to put them out there on display. 

I have loved to write since I was a little girl.  I was a voracious reader, I could lose myself for days and read anything I could get my hands on. Somewhere along the line, someone criticized my writing and I stopped. They told me that I could never write, that I didn't have the skill.  Part of me still believes that person.  I still hears those words.  Is my grammar perfect?  No.  Do I use perfect sentence structure?  Of course not.  Is my writing great, probably not.  Is it great for me?  YES!  It's an outlet for my voice.  It's a way to organize my thoughts and dreams.  I write for me. 

When Hubs encouraged me to start writing I made a decision, it would always be for me.  That is why it is named the way it is.  B'longab - because it belongs to B. A play on words from a movie he used to watch. I had people ask me if it was going to be an instructional blog, was I going to teach or share things for people to use.  No, I don't think so.  Could I do one about quite a few different things, yes, I've toyed with it a few times.  I just don't want to. Writing takes time, time I would rather spend doing the things.

I truly do write whatever moves me. And also to prove to myself that the person that dimmed my fire for writing a long time ago was wrong.  That I can write. How good is entirely another topic all together. 

I guess what I am saying is, I also have the ability to follow other dreams and allowing myself to get wrapped up in indecision paralyzation is not going to get me there.  If you read this blog, thank you.  And also bless you, because you are definitely sitting ring side to the chaos that swirls in my head. 

This morning I took the first step to unraveling the twisting going on. I hung my adventure sign on my door.  I had really spiraled when I inadvertently called my sewing room my office. The name office, made it all feel official.  And the officialness of it was what caused the momentary panic. And paralyzation. 

Like my tattoo on my ankle says "what if I fail, but oh my darling what if you fly?".  Just like failure is always an option, so is success.  And the definition of that success is only defined by me.  So what is causing this insanity?  Oh yeah, me...

In a few short moments I am going up to my "office" formally known as my sewing room.  I am going to tidy it up, it's a bit cluttered right now, just like my mind.  I am going to stage my projects, I am going to make a formal list (it's time) and I am going to focus.  

I fell in love with a t-shirt a few weeks ago.  I was talking with my sister about it, that girl has some crazy skill with her Cricut and she made me the vinyl for it.  In typical me fashion I could not decide on the type of shirt I wanted it on.  So she handed it to me with directions for completion once I picked it out.  I finally found the shirt I wanted, sort of, ended up getting way to big a size, but hey... it's definitely cozy! It describes my world, it is where I am and where I am loving being. 

Maybe that's part of the challenge.  For the first time ever I have been given the freedom to live my best life.  To do the things that bring me joy and happiness and like a kid in a candy shop I simply can't choose. 

I finished the shirt, I love it!  It makes me smile.  Just like my projects bring me joy and happiness. 

Sweet sleeping Hubs helped make
and bottle my wine!

Guess what, it's truly okay to have it all and do it all and bounce and be free!

Now... which one first???