I've now been under the care of three different orthopedists. The first one told me years ago I might be able to treat it with a partial replacement. The stubbornness inside of me refused to be okay with it. We went very conservative in the treatment and it seemed to work for a year or so. At 18 months in, I had to have another injections but that held for quite some time. I felt I was winning the battle.
I'd taken up walking again. Knowing that there was no way I would ever run - as if! And was managing a minimum of 5 - 10 miles a day. I was in heaven. It was my peaceful time, my time to drift off into my own thoughts. Thanksgiving of 2019, pretty much was the major turning point. Since my questionable decision - which I loved doing by the way - to participate in a Turkey Trot in Little Rock, I have battled increasing pain and the inability to participate in things that bring me joy.
I've consistently seen my previous doctor, and done everything he's asked, only to have the knee feel worse than before. Hubs has been harassing me (yes I said it) to finally quit being stubborn and go see his doc. The one that basically saved his life.
Before I went I knew what he was going to say. I had already been told it. On a very deep level I was hoping that seeing a world renown doc would change it. That he would magically find something the rest missed.
Nope.
The answer I was hoping for was not going to happen. Instead, I was asked when I had broken my left leg at the knee area (again - for the third time) - I have never broken my leg. I am a pure klutz and fall often. I am probably the most unsure-footed creature the good Lord put on this planet. But I have never broken my leg. Toes, wrist, fingers, nose... of course who hasn't. But a limb, nope I would seriously remember that.
Anyhow, I've had to come to terms that the only hope to make the pain that stops me from doing things 90% of the time stop, is to have a total knee replacement. It's now too far gone to do a partial.
Oh, trust me, I will probably be trying to talk myself out of it for the next six weeks, yikes closer to five weeks. I will do everything to convince myself that following all the directions I have been given and taking the vitamins etc will somehow miraculously heal it.
Expect to hear me say that a few dozen times at least.
It's been a week, relatively pain-free. I keep trying to convince myself that it will last, I have been resting, I have been avoiding anything that causes pain. I have been doing everything I can think of. But Doc is right and so is Hubs (yes I said that also) if I don't do this, I can relegate myself to living a part of my life, to always being on the sideline and to having the bones wear down to the point that even the surgery will have limited ability to offer relief.
I don't want to do this. I am not looking forward to it at all. But... I simply don't want to continue living less than.
I have huge plans, and I need to be pain-free for those to happen. Or at least pain minimized. I need to be flexible, able to stand, have the ability to bend my legs without extreme pain. I need to be able to climb stairs. Right now, none of this is really a thing for me.
Unless something throws a monkey wrench into my world, my birthday present to myself isn't going to be my longarm (oh I am still getting it but it will be later in the year). It's going to be a brand new knee. This year has been a challenge for me. It has forced me to deal with many things that I am really not happy nor comfortable with. It has stretched my heart, my mind, my change capacity and it has forced me to face a lot of fears.
I know that I will be stronger for it, but I am still going to fight against the inevitable.
I spent the past few days in absolute anger and denial. Pouting is probably a good word for it. Hubs and I even ran away. A quick trip south to enjoy the part of my visit I missed last week.
Although I also bought all the vitamins Doc wants me taking to insure I am strong and healthy going into surgery. I've started eating like he wants me to eat and I have mentally been preparing myself.
In fact the quirky side of me is already planning my tattoo for once it heals.
The realistic side of me is starting to prioritize my sewing projects and chores into silo's. Things that require full mobility, things that can be modified and things that I can do easily while not so mobile. I am learning everything I can learn so that I will have the smoothest possible healing and return to function.
Sweet Hubs even said he will build me a small table so I can continue to sew, he's precious! I don't intend to be down that long. Just saying!
I am not sure how much I will be writing this coming month. I have so much I need to focus on. So much that needs my attention. Things that have to be organized and lined up for the month following the replacement. And I need to find a weekend to do at least one more float trip before I am done for the season.
I think I am mentally okay, we'll see. Now to get as physically okay as possible. I have an exercise that I now have to do 15 minutes an hour. Do you realize how fast time flies when you have to do 15 minutes of an exercise every hour? It's insane.
Time to get busy...
Good one! 381+
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