The past 5 days sent me reeling a bit off track. Thursday as I was sewing, pacing myself, planning to at least have Hubs' quilt top ready in time for his birthday, I heard his frantic yell up the stairs. Beau was having another grand mal seizure. The first breakthrough one since Christmas morning. As I ran down the stairs, my fingers already dialing the vet, I felt it all start to slip. Four muzzle seizures later found Beau and I at the emergency vet, poor guy only seems to cluster and needs medical intervention to stop them.
He's fine, we're sorting out a new medication routine and tomorrow he'll see his regular vet, the fear in my heart is what is trying to convince me that he's sleeping more than usual. I know it's only fear, because his sister is crashed out too, almost as much and she is my energetic pup.
The challenge is getting things back on track. The lost sleep, the anxiety, the fear all of it makes me feel like I am spiraling. To do lists, plans and ideas do nothing to pull me back to the path I need to be on. It's a feeling of being lost. Of knowing what you need and want to do vs the dark pit of what you are lost in.
I spent most of Friday, just pacing. I got an 11 pm call Thursday that he'd had another seizure so I knew the earliest he was coming home would be the middle of the night Friday, they require 24 hours seizure free to release him. I get it. The mature side of my brain was still in control, I fully expected a Saturday morning release, so we could be well rested and ready to take care of him while he recovered.
Belle and I were absolutely lost. She was glued to my side, hating that her brother left and hadn't come home. To make it worse a second day of storms had rolled in. Dark, foreboding, loud and intense. Together we snuggled, we prayed, we went upstairs and worked on the quilt, we watched minutes turn into hours. As long as that day felt, I should have been able to finish that top. She slept the night cuddled in my arms. My "I need my space" puppy needed to be reassured.
Saturday morning, I woke up bright and early. I was very optimistic, I'd spoke with the vet before going to bed, he was doing good and as long as he had no more seizures he'd be home the next day. I slept like a baby. I was already showered and dressed when I got the call that he was heading home! I finally felt like crying. Belle must have understood my words, because she grabbed a toy and started bouncing, her brother was heading home.
Saturday was another lost day. Snuggles, going in and out, walking him up and down stairs as all of the medications wore off. Feeding him, well both of them, but mostly him. They informed me he wouldn't eat kibble. I'd told them several times that they don't like or eat kibble. That all of their meals are cooked for them, I even offered to bring his meals up. I work hard to provide them well balanced healthy meals.
They also said that he didn't want to go potty in the rain. Nope, that isn't it. He didn't want to go potty on the end of a short lead. Beau is private like that, always has been. So I am guessing that explained the 10 trips up and down the back steps so he could relieve himself. He'd been holding it for a day and a half.
Today is the first time he is doing his own thing. The velcro pups have spent the day lounging in their respective sofas, beds, sun spots, etc. Only checking in when they are requiring an extra bit of love or making sure that the mail man hasn't gotten too close to the house.
Yesterday, I started trying to pull myself back. I managed a few chores, I focused on being a human. Doing the human things. I cooked my sweet Hubs real meals. I went to the grocery store, I delivered some things to my sister. I was almost functioning. The pups were even playing.
Today, I was bound and determined to do better. I wasn't about to sit helpless. Getting down on the floor to play with pups was not going to be my only activity. Today I was going to move past being human and move onto adulting. As I sat down to write this almost an hour ago, it was the first time I stopped doing the things today. The house is tidied, laundry was actually completed. I did some canning, I have a batch of yogurt cooking in the Instapot (been on my to try list forever!). I have gone up and down the stairs at least 30 times checking on pups, I've updated the calendar, made a vet appointment, and even taken care of some business that was sitting waiting for my attention.
I also made my sweet Hubs a birthday cake, although we are not doing a huge celebration this year. And he's actually getting his present next Sunday. We were able to make one of his lifelong dreams come true. Boy I can't wait to tell you all about that!
I spent my day focused on adulting, because my wonderful Hubs doesn't need a broken human that can't function because "someone moved my cheese". Tomorrow I will do even more adulting. He won't get his quilt today. Shoot he might not get it this month, but he knows that I am working on it.
I guess I've always been this way. I don't recall when it started, so my only guess is forever. Those small things become huge. The huge things become insurmountable. It's an effort to climb over that little hill to see there is truly a smoother journey on the other side.
Today, I am tired and emotionally weary, but it's different. Just like the way the clouds rolled away and the sun came out today. Today, I am also physically tired and that is a good thing.
Love and prayers...
Good one! 381+
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