Sometimes you simply have to. Sometimes when you stop, absolutely come to a complete stop, you give yourself a chance to reset. A chance to breath.
A chance.
That's what I have been doing.
I stopped.
A short while ago, probably two weeks ago now, I was at my wits end. My Hubs was giving up, I could feel it, see it, almost taste it in the air. The staph infection was beating his butt, his mental state was lower than I have ever seen it, the pain and frustration was wearing him out and beating him down.
I snapped. I lost my patience and told him to stop, I am fairly sure that I was not nice. In fact I was probably down right mean.
Truth of it is, I was scared. I was afraid that I was going to lose my hubby. And I wasn't going to let that happen. I can only take so much before I push back. Before I will fight the devil himself for what I need to make my world whole, to protect my family and loved ones.
Evidently, it was what he needed too.
His feelings got hurt, and then the fighter appeared.
I took this week off. I needed to bring the balance back to myself, my home, my hubby. I needed to stop.
Tomorrow is Easter, tomorrow will be my last day off.
Normally... I would be dreading the end. Feeling off balance, mainly because I would have crammed far too much into my days off. Trying to be super woman - yeah I'm not...
I actually started this week with a to do list a few miles long. I was basically going to catch up on a years worth of I didn't get it done's (as just a year ago I had started battling whooping cough) all by myself in one week.
I started the first day pushing myself. Tired, sore, my FMS screaming at me for being an idiot. I gotta admit I accomplished so much that first day. I was going strong from 6 am until around 11 pm. I felt like superwoman.
Then I woke up on Sunday.
Okay sort of woke up on Sunday. Basically, I was conscious, okay that isn't even remotely true. I was partially awake for most of the day hating life and napping every minute I got. My body was screaming, my muscles started a revolt. It was not a positive start to my vaca.
But I showered, got dressed, got hubby dressed and we went to church.
Frankly, it was like that proverbial "ah ha" moment. Sunday was the day I stopped.
I decided that the stuff on my list needed to take a back seat to the stuff in my head and heart. From that minute on, after all the naps on Sunday, Hubs and I have simply relished the week.
We went somewhere each day. Pushed him a bit harder. Slowed me down a bit more. We simply have existed. Slept when needed, done chores together, worked in the yard together, talked, laughed, walked and ran endless silly errands. They weren't really errands that needed running so much as they were excuses.
Excuses to get hubby walking, out of the house, and around people. All the things that are vital to him. Once we heard that the staph infection was 99% gone and had permission to get the shot in his back, we were on a mission.
Each day was easier. Each day better.
On Wednesday we finally got the shot. I could see the disappointment, it wasn't instant. He had put so much faith in it being instant. I am normally the optimist. Susie Sunshine, it was tough for me to be the voice of reason, the voice saying what if it doesn't... Trying to temper that faith with reality.
Still his determination was evident. He started refusing to let me drop him at doors. Forcing himself to tackle the walks.
As he was pushing, I was pulling back. It was perfect.
Later Wednesday night he sat in the drive way cheering our precious grand baby on as she learned to ride a bike. Gramma being silly and running on her incredibly sore and slightly damaged knee (yep, I would do it again).
It was the moment.
The reset.
It was almost tangible. Since then, my excitement to return to work has returned, my passion for making time for my family couldn't be stronger. I have been making all kinds of changes in life. Changing things that didn't suit me anymore. Throwing out the negativity and anger. Stopped ranting at the world. Stopped it all.
Hubs and I have been using the Nurti-bullet my boss loaned us (in an effort to help me heal my honey), we loved it so much we bought her a replacement - we aren't giving it back. Both of us are feeling stronger and healthier. I am tackling my FMS in a more holistic manner. It's important.
Hubs stopped using his walker, he started using his cane. He's even taking baby steps without it. Nothing radical, but definitely stronger.
He's helping me walk the dogs. He is even helping me with minor housework.
We went together to watch the grand baby dance. We went to watch her play hockey today. We have cooked together and simply spent the most amazing time reconnecting. With each other, with our lives, with our family.
We've gone from patient and care giver to husband and wife again.
Tomorrow we will go to church, have some family time, and spend a bit of time with just us. Getting mentally ready for Monday.
Monday we are hopeful, prayerful, that Hubs can get a note to return to work. He needs it. He's discovered that he's not really ready to be retired yet.
Monday will start a new chapter. An awesome, amazing chapter.
Change is good.
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