the gloomies...

Definitely woke up in a mood this morning.  I was feeling terribly defeated, like I haven't progressed nearly far enough in the last 10 weeks. I was feeling a bit like I was letting myself down.  A lot of it is that I now wake myself up at night with a jolt of pain.  It isn't that the knee is in anyway not healing.  It's that I am sleeping soundly and because it isn't hurting and does bend so well that I am now moving around a bit in my sleep, the problem, is that because it bends... I bend it.  Past the point it is comfortable being bent.  That is quite the wake up call.  It doesn't hurt for long, it's the same sensation you get when you have worked a muscle too hard or strained it and then unexpectedly you move it.  

I did that about 4 times last night.  So my fussy was totally at myself.  I'd robbed myself of deep sleep and I also was feeling like a failure. Because of my nocturnal acrobatic stunts, my knee was stiff and a bit sore when I woke up.  My mind again kicked into overdrive, berating myself for not being further along the recovery trail.  I was mad at me. 

Luckily, I am married to a guy that can easily talk me down off that ledge.  Hot coffee, a hug, a kiss and the constant question "ready to walk"?  He keeps me focused on the forward motion.  With his usual mix of irony and sass he informs me that I am being unreasonable about my limitations and gently reminds me that it hasn't been three months yet.  How can I not remember that?  How can I allow myself to forget?

This is also the first damp and rainy week I've experienced since surgery.  How quickly one forgets the pain this kind of weather used to bring, pre-surgery.  How quickly one forgets that a total knee replacement is major surgery. 

He sweetly matches his pace to my shuffle.  I've been trying to match his longer stride and found that it is more than I can do right now, I want to, but if I keep the stride shorter and I focus I can actually go further without exhaustion.  Note to self: stop pushing and take it slow. 

Sitting in my chair working on a project, heating pad on high and getting a bit pouty, I happened to look down.  My feet were gently crossed, I was sitting in an incredibly comfortable position and I was not hurting.  It was the universe stepping in to speak to me, as Hubs had left for work.  It was the universe pointing out that I am healing and I am right one schedule.  To stop being fussy, to stop berating myself because it has been a hard week.  To simply allow things to take their course. 

I needed that simple reminder. 

I am not the only person that pushes, that fails to have patience. So I scrolled back through pictures from weeks gone past.  I had to stop and celebrate how far on this journey I have come.  I had to celebrate those crossed feet and the fact that I am able to do so much for myself and without pain.  Pain had been my constant companion for so long that I had forgotten what it felt like to not have any. 

After a few more minutes and finishing up my podcast I was listening to, I felt fresh and almost energetic.  The gloom had lifted, I was ready to be human. 

For the first time all week, I completed my chores, I tidied my house, I chatted with my sister and I was moving about feeling normal.  It wasn't a change in my physical state, I felt the same that I had been feeling.  It was a change in my mental state.  

As I sat processing that reality, I was also absorbing the fact that we have very powerful minds.  My mind decided I was not succeeding, my mind was my road block.  Not my knee, which is healing very nicely and far quicker than should be expected.  

I then started wondering how much we as humans could accomplish if we simply set our minds and our intentions to do so.  I don't believe we give the power of thought enough credit. Our thoughts can dictate our day, our emotions, the outcome of situations that we haven't even encountered yet. 

Today I am beyond grateful for my sweet Hubs for starting the shift in my mood and attitude, for taking the time to let me linger (briefly) in my funk and then gently nudging me out of it.  I am also grateful for being still long enough to gaze at my feet and hear the message from the universe.  Even a month ago I could not have imagined crossing my feet again while sitting in my chair, and yet without thought or realization here I was doing it. 

I am grateful that my subconscious was aware and awake to the little voice screaming in my head to pay attention.  I am grateful that it did. 

Our minds are powerful, I firmly believe that what we think about we bring about, and today was a reminder to me of how powerful and strong that statement is.  That it can be a positive thing or a negative thing and we are the only ones that can make the decision to hold strong to what we truly want.  Shush the negative Nelly that we all have and remember that all of us need someone in our corner helping to cheer us forward. I hope that all of us have that person in our lives and that we are always that person for someone else. 

Peace and love...