I must have been overly exhausted last night, as my Fitbit was sure to point out that I had slept just 3 minutes shy of 10 hours. I know I was up briefly during the night, because I couldn't shake the thoughts I want to talk about until I assured myself I would write this morning, then sleep came rushing back.
So... can we talk about fear? I am fairly certain that I have been healing more than just my leg, in fact, I feel like my leg was just there to slow me down and force me to do the harder internal healing. In my case, and I am sure in many other's also, the main thing to heal from is fear.
Fear takes many forms. And I truly believe it is taught to us, it isn't something we come into this world with, it's a learned behavior. How many times have you heard someone say about about a young child that they are fearless? As a parent have you watched your baby or grandbaby do things that make you hold your breath and stare frozen at the possible outcomes?
I firmly believe the very young haven't been indoctrinated to fear on any level and are therefore super free and able to fully experience life. That is until the adults step in and start sharing wisdom or at least what we think is wisdom.
As soon as the structure starts being put into place, the rules, the do's and don't's something very precious changes. I believe that as soon as we start to understand those innocent phrases a groundwork is laid that keeps us in fear for possibly the rest of our lives. "Be careful that is hot, don't touch it or you will burn yourself", "slow down you will fall", and worst of all "be careful".
All innocent, all meant with only the best of intentions and all limiting. How limiting? Depends on the person receiving the guidance.
I am by no means an expert at anything, I am simply living my life and trying to make sense of it on a day to day basis. I am studying life and learning along the way. Trying to keep my mind and spirit open. I think that is why this is so very profound for me personally.
I have spent my entire life until very recently as the docile, do as I'm told fearful person. Oh there have been times when I was brave enough to do what my soul led me to do, but it was always with the fear of repercussions. The question of what is the cost lingering in my mind.
The sister nearest to me in age always appeared to be the brave one. I was always envious of her as a teen. She was willing to blaze her own trail, do what she wanted, hang with friends that she wanted, explore boundaries... all the stuff I longed to do, but didn't. I was the one that followed those rules like they had been written in my own blood. As if breaking them would lead me straight to hell with a do not pass go card. I gotta tell you I was so jealous of her freedom, her fearlessness.
I so wanted to be like her. I wanted to do my own thing. Be my own person. I was simply too afraid.
That has been the story of my life until recently. I lived in a world of what if's. I took the college classes picked for me, I followed all the rules, I didn't buy the car, clothes, etc that I wanted. I let the people both close and irrelevant to me guide every step.
I was personally ruled by fear. Even leaving a marriage that had been crumbling for years and years was something I was too afraid to do. The what if's were HUGE, I was terrified of everything. What if I couldn't take care of myself and my kids, what if we ended up living on the streets, what if I wasn't strong enough... you get the picture right? It wasn't that I was miserable, I simply didn't have the courage to recognize that what we had, had run its course. Thank goodness he was braver than I was.
Everything started changing in little bitty steps when Hubs came into my world. That was the beginning of my transformation. He didn't transform me, I did. It's been a very slow, and I am sure from his space, painful process.
Almost twenty years ago, I finally had to face a lot of those fears head on. My entire world was changed. Career, health, marriage, family... all of it was shaken to it's very core. The bubbling cauldron had finally boiled over.
I can't say I conquered all the fear then. I didn't. Not even close. But it was definitely the point of rebuilding me as a human. To starting to live a life with less fear. Have I made mistakes on the journey, heck yeah. Do I still hold many of those mistakes close to my heart with the sharp points aimed inwards? Everyday.
I regret not being a better mom, to not realizing the damage that being afraid to be brave and forward moving caused. It was not on purpose, it was simply that I was afraid. I held on too tightly, afraid of losing what was most precious to me - without realizing, it wasn't mine to hold on to. It was mine to help form and release. Hard lessons. Painful lessons.
I have let fear guide me for far too long. How many of you have had the running mantra in your head of what if I'm not good enough? Or maybe what if I don't do my job exactly how they want me to... will I lose my job? What if I make a mistake, will there be grace? What if I am not what others expect... personality, manners, speech, style, weight, health, religion, beliefs, personal belongings... the list is almost endless.
Then 2020 happened.
I know that I am not alone in the massive changes that have happened since the beginning of 2020. The global community as a whole has dealt with the massive ego deaths that have been occurring on this planet. So much of what has felt safe and secure has fallen away. I wish I could feel confident that we are close to the end, but I definitely do not believe it.
You can see fear everywhere you turn. It's shoved down peoples throats. It's in their eyes. The uncertainty, the anxiety, the unknown that keeps changing.
A new world is forming. But to get there, it requires some work on our part. A willingness to let go of fear, to face the unknown with bravery and joy.
2021 has dug in deeper to altering me even more than 2020 began to do, it even tried to rival 2002. The difference is I have been learning since 2002. I have been growing. Things that used to scare me, live in the scrap bin for the most part.
Fear is nothing more than the old adage of "false evidence appearing real", do I still fall victim to it? All the time. Yesterday we were at a party for a little one year old, I didn't know her, but wanted a special and unique present, so Hubs and I picked a pattern and I made her a hat - winter is coming after all. Nothing special, just a little red hat made to look like Elmo. My anxiety was off the chain. I was in a group of people where I only knew two people, I was giving a gift that was handmade (one of my biggest sources of anxiety) and I felt lacking.
So much so that I almost missed her opening the gift. Everyone loved it (I was so embarrassed, I simply don't do well with that kind of recognition) but best of all the baby loved it and was not happy when it was taken away so that she could open more gifts. I'd felt all of that anxiety for nothing. It was replaced with a calm joy.
I still have so many fears surrounding my work, the things that I create. Hubs wanted to take my business cards to a party the other night, I almost threw up from the anxiety, needless to say we didn't take them. I struggled with feelings of self doubt and self worth. All of these feelings are rooted in fear.
My world changed 100% this year. I am on a completely different path than I was in January. I admit I feel guilty about how happy it makes me. I feel free. It was terrifying and there are moments it still is, but the change was something my soul truly needed!
I'm still battling fear. I'm still afraid of the unknown. Only now those things are just a little anxiety inducing, breaking free of the traditional social structure is unnerving. Refusing to allow others to dictate my life is a bit terrifying, but it gets easier every day.
I don't have other people telling me what I have to think, feel or do. I don't feel like every step I take is being judged or measured. I remember not to long ago making a statement to a friend that I felt like every word I uttered and every action I took was being measured to determine my worth. I don't feel that any longer. I woke up to the reality that the person that was creating those feelings to be part of my reality was actually the one with the issues and that was how they controlled others.
Fear is about control. If people want to control you they keep you in fear. It's not even just people, fear is used to control everything, think of a dog or cat that fears his owner. I firmly believe that fear is created by keeping you ignorant.
I love to learn. I explore many topics, ideas, and lessons. The more I've learned in a non-traditional manner, the more I have grown as a human. My sweet Hubs is my enabler, my fear avenger, he pushes me gently to follow my own path in a completely supportive, non-judgmental manner.
I was listening to several podcasts yesterday, ironically all of them were about the lessons of overcoming fear and doing the work to move ahead. To return to your childlike state. Ironically over the course of this year I have had several readings that told me that I was working on returning to the joy and wonder of childhood. They said I had more lessons, but I was making great progress.
I guess my question is... how are you facing fear? Are you learning and growing? Waking up to the things that have held you captive? Are you making a plan to move away from those fears? Or are you allowing them to make you a bitter and unhappy person. Someone that lives their life checking boxes and moving in lockstep with external controls.
I felt guilty this weekend for being out of that matrix. For finding joy in my life. I felt like I was personally letting others down. I'm not guilty of anything. I am happy. I stepped out of a box that didn't fit me and while I haven't quite found the perfect mix and I am not about to jump into a box, I truly feel like I am on the path to sorting it out.
Find your inner strength. Only follow paths that make you feel happy and fulfilled. If you aren't doing that... dig deeper. Don't be afraid, be brave.
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