malaise...

Sitting here in the sunshine, enjoying these cooler mornings, savoring my coffee.

I should be relaxed and calm.

Instead I am in a very strange place. I want to cry for someone I barely know.  I am mourning a decision they made at a very young stage in their adulthood and understanding the impact it will have for the rest of their life.

When the email popped up that I had been waiting for, my heart sunk.  I knew it was coming.  I knew there was no way for it not to.  But to see it in black and white, truly hurt my heart.

Change is hard.

I've been in a cycle of change for a bit.  Actually over a year.  Dad passing started it.  The fear of losing Hubs when he had his stroke and other health issues has compounded it.  The loss of our Snug and Gator, have felt like further blows. And each day watching our Neeko age is absolutely bitter (as November and his 15th birthday loom nearer I feel a greater sense of dread).

There are many bright spots too.  So much good has happened in the midst of it all.  And I am reminded of that frequently.  Spending time with Hubs and the kids.  Enjoying it.  Knowing the boy will come home for a visit at the end of the year fills my heart with hope and joy.

The journey Hubs and I are on, inspires me to do better.  Its a huge change.

I think the lack of definition, this messy period of change is what is wearing me out and causing this malaise in my soul.

This path and journey feel like they must be walked and each bit must be felt. The laughter, the tears, the uncertainty, the joy.  Yet I am longing for calm. 

I absorb too much emotionally. 

Like I said, I've had brief encounters with the person my heart is aching for.  Yet for almost 36 hours, my heart has ached.

Hubs has a temper, always has.  I understand it most of the time and am able to allow him the space to vent and rage when needed.  Lately, it seems to be more present and unavoidable.  I have a deep distrust of big pharma and docs and their solutions.  I saw my Dad become the same after being put on several of the medications that Hubs is now on. 

I want this whole food plant based lifestyle to have an immediate impact.  I want my sweet Hubs back. I don't want to worry about him.

My patience is not strong enough.

I want solutions now.  I want all his medications gone.  I want my sweet Hubs healthy.  I want my normal grumbling teddy bear back.

I'm sitting out on my deck, listening to an assortment of critters, waking up and calling for their breakfast.  I don't know what I am listening to, just that it surrounds me.  I assume a variety of birds.  I can see a cardinal way up high in one of the trees towering above me.  I cannot locate the ruckus behind me. 

I cherish time to simply sit and soak in the sounds of nature.  I mourn the intrusion of the mowers and vehicles I hear in the background.

My home is filled with the sent of freshly baked vegan/oil free granola and seed bark.  It's fragrant and warm.  I have the door open so the scent follows me outside. Slowly I am learning to prep here and there.  To take the few minutes now that will result in having the things we need later.  The things that will keep us from heading to the grocery or risking eating something not good for us. I am learning again to savor those moments in time.

I used to spend hours doing that.  Long before a cell phone or computer was part of my world. Long before "convenience" became a word that replaced all others.  I've been missing so much of what brings me joy.

The sounds and scents surrounding me this morning bring me joy. 

I couldn't believe it when I woke up at 4 am.  Even the alarm wasn't set that early.  Yet, I was out of sleep and ready for the day. I spent quiet time stretching and lying in the silence, just being.  I don't do that often enough. It was the perfect start to these two glorious days off. I need them.

It was odd, several folks asked my plans for the weekend.  I'm sure it sounded like a to-do list to them.  To me, it sounded like paradise. Hubs is off taking care of maintenance on his car, I've already been cooking and cleaning.  I'm simply enjoying this moment of guilt free rest.  I plan to clean up the house, maybe even extract the carpets.  I want to clean my car.  Tidy my yard.  Help my daughter complete a project that has been waiting for far too long and then... who knows.  There is a Crystal Fest that I would love to go to, I wouldn't mind stalking the Bombay Food Junkies and stopping at the Farmers market.  The weather is so beautiful, maybe a short hike at one of the local state parks.  Or... I might just sit peacefully at home and plan our menu for the week.  Or maybe I will decided to cook a fancy WFPB dinner.  It's even possible that I may take a nap out here in the soft sunlight.

I mean seriously, these two days are my oyster.  My refuge.  I need them.

Soon I will have a phone conversation with one of my team.  It will deflate me again.  But only for a moment or two.  I am sad.  I cannot change it, nor can I impact it.  I am learning to let things go that aren't meant for me. 

This period of growth and change feels so powerful.  Bigger than I am.  Yet I have faith that all things happen in this life the way they are meant to.  And each of us is stronger and more powerful than we realize.