My daughter took a four month break from social media recently. Yes I admit I missed some of her witty comments and pictures of the grands. But I understood, sometimes we all need to step away from things that are causing us anxiety. People tend to at least show some grace and understanding when they are face to face.
I know I have mentioned a few times that I am really trying to get to know my neighbors, after almost 8 years, I know very few, yet these are the people in my actual space bubble. I long for the days of front porches. I yearn to have relationships that were similar to my life as a military family, where you could count on your neighbors to be your support group, to be there for you through whatever life threw at you, even from day one.
I miss having neighbors that might have driven me nuts as their children ran through the apartment over my head at all hours, because they were also the same neighbors that rushed to your side when there was a need of any kind. I miss those days.
Now, if you have ever lived in military housing you probably feel I have lost my mind. It's a tough environment, without much space for daily living. I planted so many balcony gardens just to have a small bit of green around me. I loathed climbing countless stairs to walk dogs, bring in groceries (ask me how I became a master at loading grocery bags for one trip), dragging my laundry up and down the stairs and praying that the family before me had left the laundry room at least semi clean and usable. I have listened to more domestic arguments than I ever needed to hear and you always knew which kids spent the most time in trouble.
Looking back on it all though, I might have rose colored glasses.
I lived on military bases that were bombed, when 9/11 happened (wanna talk about being locked down...), through potential tsunami's (close enough to the beach that I could see it from my bedroom window). I lived on bases where the military members were deploying constantly, where you could be evacuated at any moment, where you were taught to look under your car with a mirror to insure that it didn't have bombs, where you didn't flinch when your doctor showed up to examine you in full chem-gear. I experienced having power of attorney's to act as guardian for single parents in case of deployment. I lived on an island where the groceries didn't arrive on a regular basis and by the time they did some of it would be stale and crushed. I could probably list the things I have experienced for days and it would make it sound horrible and sad.
Yet, what I remember was the friendships, gathering our kids together for play dates or crafts, being there when someone suffered a loss, watching each others kids and/or dogs, everyone rallying together to make sure that everyone had enough, people cared about one another. There were welcome gifts and frankly committees that made sure everyone got welcomed and knew the lay of the land on day one.
If your car broke down someone would always offer you a ride, because getting them fixed or replaced wasn't always as easy as it is today. I remember my car being in the shop for a full month, I needed wheel bearings or something like that replaced. I also remember thinking at the time, thank goodness my beater car is an Audi and this is Germany, it won't take any time at all, and should be pretty cheap (the car only cost $2500) well, evidently that meant nothing. Because it was in the base shop so all the parts had to come from the US and the cost was doubled because of it. I was without transportation for a long while with a newborn and a 6 year old and deployed husband. My neighbors never missed a beat, they were always by my side helping to carry the load.
We volunteered in the community to make sure we had everything we needed. I am still friends with some of those folks, from over 40 years ago, we might not see one another often or at all as we are like dandelion petals and are scattered around the globe. But if one of us needs something, we are all there to help. A few have drifted out of my life, but I would still be there for them the minute they called.
The reason I am walking down memory lane, is because of where we are now. Today. In this time on our planet. It is making me so nostalgic for the past. Everywhere I turn there is more divisiveness, people show little to no compassion, grace, understanding or care for their fellow humans. It's the lowest time I have ever experienced and I don't feel it is getting any better. In fact I would say it is getting more and more bitter.
I was looking over our neighborhood Facebook page. Scrolling back through days and weeks of posts. It was heartbreaking. It was full of negative and slightly aggressive comments and behaviors. Assumptions that everything is out there to make you angry or to inconvenience someone.
That the feral cats are needing to be rounded up and gotten rid of, don't think about the fact that someone has taken care of them for years, they are all fixed and not harming anyone - but hey sorry they were sunning themselves on your deck - definitely round them up and take them to be destroyed.
Or maybe that people aren't only walking their dogs in the common area, even though there isn't a sidewalk in the common area, or maybe they are sitting their bagged poop on the side of the road to pick up on their return trip because there are no trash cans in the neighborhood to dispose of it in and holding it and and dog leash might be a challenge. Or maybe it is the fact that someone is leaving kitty treats in the common area for the local kitties. Heaven forbid a kindness is offered up. It is complaining about this, that or the other almost non-stop.
There were bright spots. A neighbor asked to borrow a wheelbarrow. I would have loaned him one of my two, but we gave them to our daughter when we moved here, our yard is not wheelbarrow friendly. I was so proud of my girl when I saw she was not only the first to reply, but she also went down and helped the neighbor move all of that mulch (she was raised in a military community FYI). Or the warning about the car parked right near the entrance, our subdivision has a odd entrance if approaching from the left and it's off a busy, busy road. Sadly there was an accident caused by that individual parking there, even sadder was the neighbor that said the person that got hit should have been more careful, instead of having an issue with a car parked in a location that was dangerous.
There are sometimes uplifting things. Other's it is just plain ugly.
I'm simply tired of ugly. I have reached the point that I don't want to walk my babies in the neighborhood, afraid that their existence is going to offend someone. Heck, I don't want to walk in my own neighborhood because of the fact that people are just so darn ugly at times. Half of them act offended if you say hello, the other half are offended if you didn't see them and say hello. It's insane.
I want to be part of a community. I want to lift up and support my neighbors. Watch each other's houses, mow each other's lawns when something is stopping them from mowing it themselves. I want to share stuff from our gardens and step in to help when needed. Heck, in 8 years I have not once had a neighbor knock on my door to borrow a cup of sugar! Am I that unapproachable? Are they?
I'm guilty of the same. I get annoyed when the neighbors on the other side of the cul de sac have 10 cars parked on both sides of the street, and it is almost impossible to get through to my own driveway. Although I was incredibly sad that the neighbors having work done on their deck felt they needed to personally deliver a letter of apology for the inconvenience the trailer for the contractor might have caused.
I'm not a fan of the garden boxes the neighbors have randomly plopped in their front yard, they are huge, unsightly and just.... no words. I don't like that every Wednesday - late Thursday I am picking up garbage from the neighbors down the street that just pile empty boxes and containers on top of an open trashcan without a care that they will be everywhere within an hour. I might have celebrated when the corner neighbor put the for sale sign in his front yard - thankful that I would no longer be listening to him dropping heavy weights, refusing to mow his grass and leaving his gate open so his dog chased us. Yes, I am guilty just the same.
Those things annoy me. But the reality is, there isn't much parking on our street and we do have several families that leave vehicles sitting there for weeks on end, maybe there is a reason? Maybe their grown children had to move back home? Maybe their parents had to move in? Or they are staying with an elderly family member. Grace is not all that common any longer.
Maybe the neighbors with the garden boxes are struggling to make ends meet and as a result are hoping to grow some of their food to supplement their income and their backyard is like my front yard - very little sunshine or space.
For the trash folks... I am still struggling to find a positive for that, although I know the lady that lives there is very elderly and frail and has family members staying with her to take care of her. Maybe they are finding enough time to get the trash out and that is all? Or they may not even realize it is blowing away because other's are picking it up.
We are all flawed humans. We are all suffering with our humanness. We do things that might annoy, seem thoughtless, or actually be thoughtless without realizing it. It seems that all the two years of shutdown and disconnection have taught us is that we do not have to treat others kindly, forget about having grace or compassion. I am also seeing that many of those that are lashing out, are the very ones that were lashed at in the past. Do two wrongs make a right? Did I miss that lesson somewhere?
None of us are perfect, none of us do the right thing all the time (because right depends on the interpretation of someone else), none of us are an island unto ourselves. Maybe it's time for a few less rules, a bit less rigidness and a lot more understanding, care and compassion. I'm tired of the insanity, the ugly, the selfishness.
I guess I need to spend some time processing where my feelings are, and then... wasn't it Gandhi that said to be the change you want to see in the world? I was so impressed with the woman that manages our community Facebook page, because she flat out called everyone out, it's time for a kinder, gentler and more loving world. Step up people! I am working on doing the same!
love and peace...
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