I've been absent. I've needed to be. I decided that I wasn't enjoying certain aspects of life and needed to step back completely from them. My passion wasn't with writing, my passion was directed in other places. It still is, although today I feel drawn to write.
I have been focused on family and friends. I have been focusing on really living life in the deeply intense way that fills my soul. Long meaningful walks with Hubs and the pups, laughter and joy have been my focus for a short while now.
I have also been focused on being busy. Not surface busy, not busy work for the sake of saying I am busy. But busy with the intention of taking care of my loved ones. Of being ready for whatever curve balls life decides to throw at me. I am focused on living intentionally.
Another thing I have been focused on is intentionally removing myself from circles of fake people. The ones that say one thing, expect that from others, but absolutely do the opposite themselves. I can't do those people any longer. I refuse to expend any additional energy, time or thought on those people. I am focused on moving forward with people that want to be part of the same bubble that I am living in. I'm not willing to pretend any longer. I have zero energy to put towards it all.
Since I have been absent so very much has happened. So many wonderful things. So many things that have drawn my attention and my energies to them. Some have been good-ish, some have been hard. Some have filled me to the brink with happiness and joy, while exhausting me in the very best of ways.
We celebrated sweet Hubs' 70th birthday, it was a wonderful span of almost 6 days of celebrating. We've had dinners with family, time for just us, his incredible birthday party - complete with the biggest surprise ever! His sister, niece, nephew and great nephew all drove all the way from Alabama to surprise him at his party. I think we are lucky he only cried and didn't have a heart attack from shock. It was absolutely beautiful! There were many friends that we hadn't seen in far too long that took time out of their lives on a Friday night to celebrate him. It has simply been amazing!
This was her first trip home in about 20 years, and we definitely packed way to much into such a little window of time. But truthfully a month would not have been nearly enough to fully enjoy all the walks down memory lanes and to sit and visit. I hate the physical distance between all of us. Especially since our youngest grand has now met a cousin almost her age, definitely with her intelligence and spirit. They were awesome together. But that eight hours is a bit brutal for a quick visit.
We have been so busy making a life, enjoying the little moments and celebrating the people and events that are important to us that frankly we have not allowed any of it to be stolen for stupid.
I'm tired of stupid. I'm tired of people that are simply so wrapped up in stupidity that it weeps from their entire being. We have a neighbor that is fairly universally loathed by the entire neighborhood (doesn't every neighborhood have one?) that we had an encounter with last night. Seems it is a requirement for someone to encounter him on a fairly regular basis and it was our turn last night. I almost let it steal my joy, I almost let it bring me down. In fact the dream I had about him last night was terrifying and in another reality... well... lets just say thank the heavens that I am not that person.
Those are the kinds of people that are wearing me out. During the pandemic he filled his yard with signs requiring masks to come close, if you were walking on the sidewalk, he would flip out if he was outside and you weren't wearing a mask - outside in the sunshine and fresh air. He's moved on, ironically as soon as the mask mandate was lifted he felt it was safe to remove the signs and the mask. I JUST CAN'T... but hey to each their own. Each of us deserves to feel safe and secure. He immediately moved on to "deer lives matter" and supporting Ukraine. Again, each of us has things that we are passionate about and I fully support anyone's decisions and ideals. Not a single one of us is 100% right on anything, we are all here navigating our own journey.
I am usually incredibly mindful and careful of where my puppies wander on our walks and do not like for them to use the bathroom in anyone's yard. I am also the kind of person that cleans up after not only my own pups but other peoples pups, out of respect. I also am very careful about where they walk, far too many of our neighbors use heavy chemicals that are unfriendly to animals, insects and people on their lawns, as they prize a rich, thick green lawn. To each their own.
Last night I was exhausted. Two nights of less than 4 solid hours of sleep had made me beyond weary and unable to think straight. I wasn't on my A game to say the least. My pups had done their business in the common areas, it had all been cleaned up and Hubs and I were wandering home in a bit of a fog peacefully chatting while they were happily prancing along.
As we were just passing the neighbors house, he came flying out and started being super aggressive because one of the puppies had walked on his grass. Accusing Belle of damaging his "pristine lawn" because she had walked in it. Now mind you I normally avoid his yard like the plague because of said chemicals, I tried to apologize for not paying attention noting that she hadn't urinated - his initial complaint - and he acknowledged that, but she had stepped on his pristine grass and might have damaged it. I tried to assure him it wouldn't happen again, but it was more important to him to continue to belittle me for allowing her to walk on his grass. Before long it devolved into a full out confrontation with Hubs, because you do not speak ugly to me, full of aggression and stupid crap. I feel sorry for the deer, coyotes, bunnies and other wild life that dare trespass.
These are the kind of things that drive me crazy. We are all here living this life together, no one is 100% perfect. I have several neighbors lately that are posting hateful comments regarding animals in their yards, people feeding kitties in the common area, etc, okay, I understand. May I do the same when your children are running through my flower beds? Breaking branches off my trees? Or how about when I am picking up your trash that you carelessly sat out on the side of the road uncontained the night before pick up and let it blow around the neighborhood? Or maybe when I am picking up your cigarette butts that you toss out of the window without a care or concern? There are plenty of things that are not perfect. A puppy walking through the grass for a moment is not going to end the world. None of those other things are either.
Here is my reality, I am still going to carry extra potty bags when I walk my babies and clean up when someone else hasn't. I am still going to pick up that trash that came from a block away but ended up in my yard, or do like Hubs did this weekend and clean up the common ground almost a mile from our house because someone's trash got blown all over the place. I will still smile (although a bit sadly) when your child picks my flowers or breaks the stems and hand them the flowers to gift their moms. I am still going to be a good person to others and treat them kindly regardless. Because the world needs more kindness.
I am also going to be even more careful of where my puppies walk. I value lives more than grass, I value nature in it's purest form far more than I value a manicured lawn. I realize not everyone is like that and I can respect them. What I will not tolerate is that human speaking to me again. Some of what he said, besides being lies and gossip were flat out inappropriate and he needs to go back to protecting deer lives and leaving other people alone. Because he is the true definition of someone that cannot adult or people at any given time.
I'm considering putting signs in my yard to encourage my neighbors with dogs to stop and visit, maybe even finally putting up my dog treat box (haven't gotten there yet). And if your children run into my yard that's okay. I really do like kids. I just don't go out of my way to attract them to my house.
I'm tired of virtue signaling. I'm tired of people that treat others with absolute disdain and hatred when they don't do everything they feel one should do, yet present themselves as being caring humanists. Stop it, either walk the walk and talk the talk or STFU (you know what that means).
I'm not going to allow those type of individuals to steal my joy in life. Instead, I am going to slide back into being me. Back into being busy. Yesterday afternoon I sat in my backyard for over an hour, picking wild violets. I left plenty for the bees and other wildlife. I started the tea to make jelly. I know I don't eat sugar, I will attempt a jelly that is zero sugar, but I will also make some with sugar, I have many friends that do eat it, and occasionally I might also.
I will continue to help those that are in my tribe. The people that fill my life with joy and energy. I will continue to play in my garden, learning how to improve it and help it flourish. I have always been intent on being self sufficient and that is where my focus is. Not on people that suck the life from you just by being present.
I don't know if I am going to be around online much. There is much to be done and I feel that time is a bit short right now to get it all accomplished. I might write, I might not. It all depends.
Right now, my energy is focused on family, friends, health and home. I know it seems selfish, but it's my journey and I get to determine the path. Tomorrow our youngest warrior faces another surgery, it's scary and real. All prayers and healing energy are being directed towards him. Whatever is left is going towards my sister as she recovers from her accident.
Truthfully, at this point my energy, attention, and everything else is matching yours. If you want to be part of my bubble, come on in. If I have been the only driving force in a relationship, know that I will be pulling back. I will meet you and match you where you are, but I no longer feel compelled to be who I am not for anyone else's comfort.
Okay... I have a beautiful Highland Bull to create for a wonderful woman that is rapidly becoming a dear friend, I have puppy meals to cook and a bit of clean up left from a weekend of frivolity, all before I am able to load up my quilt on the longarm. I love each of you and cherish everyone of my friendships, and I definitely want to grow my tribe, but I am done playing games with people. I'm done with so much, growing into my own person has been the greatest adventure there is!
I'll be back... love and peace... and remember treat people with kindness and compassion we're all on a journey. As for my grouchy, unpleasant neighbor... well, I will avoid him and his pristine grass, but I will also send him kind thoughts and hope for happiness and a good life...
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