I usually wake up with an idea of what I want to write about. With a drive for my day. But today I woke up feeling sort of blank. My brain isn't full of things, my body feels blah... Ironically, I slept wonderfully, it felt deep and dreamless. So to feel so disconnected from everything is weird!
I am hopeful that my cup of coffee and my warm fire will clear my head and heart and get me motivated today. Mother Nature is definitely giving us a wake up call, it's at freezing this morning, so my walk will wait until the sun has risen and had a chance to warm things up a bit. I am not sure how my knee will react to freezing, so I am not about to test it out. At least not on a day like today, when I feel blah and less than fiery.
Who knows, today might morph into a "take a walk and curl in my chair and don't participate day". I haven't decided yet. I am so grateful for the ability to have days like that as an option though. I remember having to fake it through days like this in the past. It wasn't an option. I know a lot of people who have do that on a daily basis. I don't think I ever gave my best when I had to work through days like today. And I was definitely that person that stored up sick days, simply because I was too dedicated (or was that truly stupidity) to take the day and stop.
My sister shared this meme on the book the other day. It was so powerful. Until I stepped out of that world earlier this year, that was me, my life. And I didn't really see a way out of it. It was exhausting. I remember relating to all of the meme's about being a permanently exhausted person. The ones that pleaded with my heart to make sense of what I was doing to myself.
"Self-care" was a buzz word that in my mind equaled time for a bubble bath and maybe a glass of wine and a book to read. I was so worn out that I couldn't even grasp the deeper meaning of self-care. It was so very superficial.
It never occurred to me that when exhausted to the point of not giving a damn, it was okay to step back for a day or so and simply be. I was terrified of doing something like that, of taking those few moments and simply unplugging myself from the system. Turning off my phone, shutting down physically and mentally felt like I was breaking a cardinal rule. It had been ingrained in me since I was really young that being and doing and never letting anyone down was how you lived and what you did when you were a good person. A valuable part of society.
Burnout is a cultural norm in this country, probably in many others. It is a badge of honor and it's horrible. Sitting here in the darkness, nursing a minor lingering headache that comes with season change for me, not feeling like participating in life and knowing I have the freedom to finally feel that way is so liberating. I have no guilt in my heart. I know too many other's that I wish I could give this gift to.
Self care to me is so different now. I rarely seek the solace of a hot steamy tub, when I do it is simply because my aching body wants it, not because it is the only place my mind can rest for a while. I used to soak literally for hours, I felt free from responsibility and able to disconnect for that time. I needed it. Now, I get restless, the idea of hours feels like a sentence. The only difference... I no longer feel a need to escape from my life.
I don't know how, but there needs to be balance for all people. There needs to be respect for the human. A way to be productive and create a living, but at the same time have a life worth living.
Several people recently have made the comment to me that their homes are simply the place they go to sleep and shower. I remember that feeling too well. I used to dissolve into tears if Hubs suggested moving to a smaller house or out into the country. Because I love my home and I felt like that was all I did. I'd created this beautiful space for us to enjoy life, yet I was never here to fully enjoy it. I still don't think I will ever move, I love this space it brings me joy. Yet it is no longer where I sleep and shower, it is my castle, my fortress against the world.
Even though that meme is not my reality any longer, I realize that if the world keeps going crazy it could be something I am fighting against again. I don't have immense faith in humans to do the right thing currently. And watching inflation rise as rapidly as it is and people seeming to be oblivious... well... there are only so many things one can cut. Although, I am determined to find a way outside of the boxes we've all been shoved into.
So seriously... how do we change that mindset? On this side of it, I can see all the flaws very clearly. When I was up to my neck in it, it simply felt like the way life was. In many ways it felt like it was this centuries version of enslavement. Because the ones that are working themselves to an early grave were not the ones benefiting from their hours of labor. And the ones that are truly dedicated, that were raised to believe that no matter what you stepped up and showed up... well, they are the ones that forfeit anything that looks like a life.
I don't have an answer, I wish I did. I would love to give that gift to everyone. The ability to make a productive living, doing what you love but not selling your very soul to do so. I mourn the years that I was not able to be an active part of my kids and grand children's lives. Where hobbies didn't really exist, I mean I had them, but they were things that I squeezed into very small spaces of time stolen from something else (like sleep).
A good nights sleep was a rare thing back then. I always had to wake up to an alarm clock, always in fear of oversleeping and not taking care of my own health. Ironically, the day I turned off my alarm clock was the day I started waking up at almost the same time daily. My body and mind like this time of the day, the quiet, the peace. It is my personal gathering place.
How do we fix this in our society? How do we celebrate personal time? How do we start celebrating the moments that matter?
I truly feel as a society we have to do better. People cannot wait until they are old enough to leave the system to have a life. Why is that okay? And anymore it feels like the more you work the more you are penalized with taxes and the like. Why?
Okay... now I am wandering into a space I am not prepared to go. Today I am simply thankful for the ability to say I am disconnecting. My mind, soul and body need this day. And I am giving myself permission to step out of life and take care of me.
love and peace...
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