While cooking and listening to some of my favorite podcasts that is where my brain was drawn, or rather where it decided to linger non-stop. Processing all of the different strengths that we all have and how we might all interpret those strengths. Far too often in our society we see only the weaknesses of ourselves and others.
Slowly chopping the cranberries that I was preparing to dehydrate so that I could enjoy them without all of the additives and sugars that commercially processed ones contain, my fingers and eyes concentrating on the task at hand, my mind was starting to whirl. By the time I was stirring the brilliant red gems together with the avocado oil and the Swerve together, my mind was at full stream ahead status.
I started to wonder, do we see the strength in ourselves as much as we should or could? I often tell others that I am stronger than I appear, when someone is offering to do something for me. Sometimes I mean mentally, others I might be referring to faith, stamina, will-power, etc... rarely do I mean physically. Yet, I stood there and stirred the beautiful cranberries and thought that just three months ago I couldn't have done that task.
Yet here I am a short three months later and I am back in my kitchen focusing on the things that I love to do.
I am very much aware that my strength is often mistaken for bullheadedness. I'm perceived as stubborn and unbending. I can have those traits, but I do know that I can be reasoned with. Can't we all? At least for the most part?
I have family and friends that are dealing with so much right now. I often wish that I could bottle my own strength and share it with them. They are stronger than they probably know, but they are surely getting tired of shouldering the burdens. I have also been guilty of that in the past, shouldering the entire burden so someone else did not have to. At the time I didn't realize it, nor did I know how strong I was.
One of the greatest ironies is that true strength cannot be known or understood without first being vulnerable, fragile or weak. Until you have been brought to your knees literally and figuratively you simply cannot comprehend how strong you truly are in all areas of strength.
The reason I am so strong in my faith and spirituality is because I have witnessed miracles in my life and those of people close to me. Our mother shouldn't be alive and well today, medical science said that we would only have her until her 40's... well she's in her late 70's now and still kicking butt and taking names. We've almost lost her several times and yet she comes roaring back. The power of prayer is the source of her strength, she is someone I lean into anytime heavy duty prayer is required, it almost feels as if she has a direct pipeline.
I personally have been at rock bottom a few times in my life. And each time I have turned it all over to God. His to handle as I was far too weak. And yet, as soon as I quit trying to input my imperfect human arrogance into the situation and let go, God resolved it and it had the greatest outcome.
Each day that my great nephew waits to be born, is another example of the strength of faith, of many people praying for him, because the longer he grows the better his chances are. He is the true definition of strength, he will live up to his name and give all of us strength of spirit. Each time there is another positive update, I realize how strong that little guy is.
I have found myself in situations that mental and emotional strength were literally all I had to get me through. To hold my ground and keep moving forward. I guess we would call that will power. When all you can do is weather the storm. Holding your own and praying for peace. When you are in the midst of the battles, struggles or journeys it's hard to see that you are strong.
In June, I had a doctor tell me that I was not taking proper care of myself. I didn't need a doctor to do that, I could tell myself. I was trying everything I thought I knew nutritionally to improve my health and it was going completely the opposite direction of where I needed to be heading. I was also at a point with my knee that exercise had ceased to be something I could handle, even water exercise made it worse. Actually water exercise made it immensely worse because I couldn't feel the damage I was doing to it until later.
June 23rd was the day I found out I needed my knee replaced and I needed to take control of who I was and where I was going in this life unless I wanted to have two knees replaced along with a lot of other health issues.
I had to completely change the way I was eating, I'd already figured out that what I was doing wasn't working for me, but I didn't have a clear path to follow, I was struggling with a lot of indecision and lack of direction. When I was told that I had to give up all grains and sugars it felt overwhelming and disheartening. I was following a vegetarian/vegan lifestyle the core of that is grains and vegetables. And here was a doctor telling me to stop. He also said I needed to add meat back into my diet. It was the second time in my life that a doctor told me that. It was a very difficult decision and I didn't want to listen. I also didn't want to continue down the path I was going. I needed to change and be healthy for me.
 |
| May 2021 |
 |
| October 2021 |
I have decided that I am going to use my inner strength to make further changes for me in November.
For me, my intentions for this month are all around my health and regaining full use of my knee. Everything else centers on it. I want to climb the stairs like a normal person. I want to not think about the best way to stand or sit. I want to be able to stand for hours engaged in quilting, soap making or whatever else I am creating and not hurt. I want to snuggle in my bed and not feel the stiffness and ache. I simply want to once again be who I was before surgery, before the non-stop pain of a failing joint, before the damage was done. I want to be strong.
I also want to continue to lose weight, to have a body that serves me - not causes me struggles - I want health. All of these things will require many levels of strength.
I have also decided that I am going to walk each day. Intentionally. There are times that Hubs and I slack, give excuses for why we aren't going to do it. I had walked on Saturday for a full 10,000 + steps. What I noticed was that my leg felt stronger, it wasn't stiff, it didn't ache. On Sunday we planned to walk, but didn't, we played instead. And I was achy and in pain all day. I didn't enjoy it nearly as much as I could have as I was brutally aware of how sluggish and pained I felt. If I had used my will-power and simply done what I planned, chances are that I would have felt able to tackle the world.
Hubs was busy and didn't have time to walk, so... I laced up my shoes and headed off on my own. My bullheaded strength was out full force. It was only the second time I had gone walking solo since August. I was nervous and apprehensive. What if I was unstable, what if I fell, what if I needed help? I didn't voice those concerns, because I didn't want to appear weak. I simply walked. Coming home, I realized that I need to borrow Hubs' strength for a bit longer. I am strong enough, my pace is the best it's been in a very, very long time, but mentally I was not strong or prepared for the feelings it caused.
This morning Hubs and I bundled up against the cold, shivering and chilled we drove to the park we used to walk the boys at. Where I took my first long walk at six weeks post surgery. I barely made it around the small circle that day. It felt like i was climbing a mountain and it took almost an hour for that short little .1 mile. Today, I completed all of the loops twice and did a 1.1 mile walk in 27 minutes... barely six weeks later. My inner resolve was definitely strengthened. My inner strength felt like it was in beast mode.
By November 30... I will be stronger. I will not need to lean so much into his strength.
Although I think that we are stronger when we share strength with one another, I personally feel that it's difficult. It's hard because then we have to admit weakness, and I know that I hate to ask for help. For any reason. As I have sat with these thoughts, I have more questions than answers. Maybe just maybe that is one of the keys we should be looking for. How magnifying another's strengths only builds up our own. How humbling ourselves to accept the strength and help of others strengthen's us.
I am nothing without the love and support of those that are dearest to me. Is that the greatest strength of all? To be humble and acknowledge the strength of those that lift us up in life and to do the same for all of them?
Like I said, I don't have any answers. I feel at times like those tough little cranberries. A bit of oil and a bit of swerve, long low heat and they are now transformed from a tart inedible food to a sweet yummy treat. I don't want to be so hard on the outside that the soft sweetness within cannot shine through.
I'm not done exploring this line of thought, I find that while I am working on projects I have a lot of inner conversations and dialogues. I loose myself in the depth of wherever my brain chooses to wander. It's healing and comforting.
For now, I am going to enjoy warming my toes in front of the fabulous fire that my sweet Hubs has built me, finish my coffee and breakfast and maybe work on a hat for a few minutes while the embers last. As soon as my fire has faded I need to harvest whatever is left in the garden - the cold is here now and I don't want to lose the last of my harvest. Get in my elliptical time and then it is off to the studio, there are quilts needing worked on!
love and peace...
No comments:
Post a Comment