I "overslept" this morning. And I use that term so lightly. I don't have a set time that I wake or sleep, but I am usually awake long before the sun crosses the horizon. I must have been exhausted, because light was streaming in around the blinds this morning as I opened my eyes.
Now I am struggling to get my act together. I have a pretty long list of things I need to do over the next two days. Yet, I am definitely not in a motivated groove. I'd rather sit in my chair, create and watch the sun shimmering through the beautiful clouds we've been having. I simply don't have the energy or desire to actually focus on stuff that isn't in that bubble.
I'm concentrating on sending my sister and her family as much energy, love and prayers that I can. Very soon little Legend will be a full 24 hours old, his momma is trying to get her strength back so that she can be by his side and sweet gramma is doing her darnedest to hold the world together. They both have strong men in their corners holding their hands and traveling the journey beside them. But I can't speak for Dad's, only Mom's and this is one hell of a burden on their hearts. A mom's DNA is simply wired to protect and love their babies, any threat to that brings on a massive primal response. I have offered to travel down and do whatever I can to support, but truthfully in this massive waiting game there is little I can do to help at this point.
I guess I am feeling a bit of their helplessness. I don't know about you, but surrendering control is not something I am fond of doing. Pretty sure it is one of the skills I am being forced to learn in this lifetime. My fix it gene is on full alert, while also being aware that it will simply sit there.
Instead I am channeling those feelings and restlessness into productivity. Just because I am not doing my chores, doesn't mean I haven't been crazy productive. I completed three projects yesterday and about three quarters of a fourth. And I semi cared for the house and my chores. I mean very semi, but still. The projects I am working on are for a variety of things. One was even commissioned.
And yet, time is just there. Not standing still, yet not racing forward in a noticeable way. It's just moving around me like a river flowing past a stone. I know it's moving, I see the sun's journey, I hear Hubs asking about meals. I know I should go to bed, but find myself wrapped up in what I am doing. I am not used to this unstructured way of life.
I sometimes find myself fighting the flow. As I have been sitting here writing, I have felt a calmness seeping in. An actual desire to get up and do the things. It doesn't matter that I had some imaginary timeline in my head that is now messed up because I overslept. Sitting in the sun, sorting through my thoughts and enjoying my coffee I am wrapping my head around the fact that time tables are human constructs designed by humans for control.
I'm guilty of it for myself. Designing a control system and being disappointed when I don't stick to it. Oddly I just said to my sister this morning that the hard thing was they were going to have to learn to live with uncertainty. Without realizing the same thing applies to all of us.
I'm a work in progress, aren't we all? I think my new goal is going to be mastering the art of dancing in uncertainty and being perfectly okay with it. I started to put deadlines and perimeters around that goal, a start and a stop, until my brain noted that was the complete opposite of the goal.
Let go, relax, love and peace....
No comments:
Post a Comment