Thursday, April 11, 2013
Shaking My Head!
I have been hurt many times because of it. But sometimes, sometimes they just take my breath away with their insensitivity. Around the middle of the day I got an IM message. Nothing unusual there, but the content and the writer, now that was unusual. Someone that I used to know, someone that needs to stay in the "used to" column of my life wrote to ask me a favor.
This is not a person I was ever close to, but someone that I tolerated for darn near twenty years, because there was no other option. This person is not someone that has any business asking me for a favor. But still they did.
The part of me that has serious empathy understands. It really does. But the rest of me, remembers the past. It's not that I need to forgive them, I don't. They really don't touch my world, and barely did before. They didn't hurt me personally, so there is nothing personal about it.
I know they suffered an immeasurable loss late last year. I know that nothing in this lifetime will ever fix the hole left for them. I wouldn't trade places for anything in this world, or the next.
That being said, the absolute greed and selfishness I witnessed at that time made me sick to my stomach. I was so thankful to not have to witness the remainder of the show as I had to come home. My mind was boggled and my heart scarred by what I did see. A huge part of my belief in human beings to always rise to an occasion with class and dignity died then. It was something I could not fathom and still can't.
My parents raised me above that, so I bit my tongue, gave the sympathy I could and walked away from a sinking ship. At the time I felt such sorrow that I was not able to support those closest to me, when they needed me most. I knew they understood, and I was there the best I could be from so far away.
The ugliness of those few weeks is trying to raise it's ugly head once again. It's not been a year since the words "no, you have enough" were spoken. And yet the hand is outstretched, pleading and begging for more. And wanting me to be the one to deliver the words. I won't. At some point the door closes permanently and the takers need to go.
That door is closed, I will not be the crowbar that rips it open. I will show empathy, I will be kind, but I will never be used to cause pain for a selfish person that wants everything even when there is nothing left.
Ironically, what they want is gone. Gone at the very hand of the person they swear would want it for them. It had little value then and now when it's too late it has even less.
I hope that those I love will always know that nothing I have is of any value when I am gone. It is all just stuff, things that clutter my life. I want to love them while here, it isn't about money, it's about quality. Things cannot fill holes or buy happiness. And after I have left this world, I pray that those I love remember that. A piece of jewelry, clothing, trinkets, none of it will ever be anything more than stuff. I pray my loved ones never feel the need to plead and beg for things, that I will have provided enough love and happiness to them that just my memory will be enough.
And I pray that none of them will be so heartless and greedy as to ask for far more when that door is closed and you have taken what you wanted and needed.