Wednesday, April 3, 2013

Juggling?? Not very successfully!

even Gator is sticking his tongue out at my grumpies!
As I sit here I keep thinking I need to add a dozen or so hours to my day.  I used to be so good at juggling my life.  I had time to do all the things I wanted, raise my kids, volunteer and work.  Now it feels that I simply have time to work.  My house is a wreck most days, it takes me months to finish a project and I am always chasing my tail. 

I often find myself envious of others.  I hate that.  I am not an envious person.  I am usually so content in my life, who I am and what I can accomplish.  I don't waste the time on feeling envious.  It doesn't change anything.  But lately... it is something that creeps in.  And then I feel angry.

I hate that today in order to make arrangements for my husband's birthday party this weekend I will have to go into work late.  I am okay with going in late, trust me I work plenty of hours.  It's just that I always feel like I am juggling things to make the world work.

I don't know when I lost the ability to juggle things.  When did my tipping point change dramatically?  I feel like I am always one step behind in a rat race.  And those darn rats are getting HUGE!

I get more frustrated when others who work far less by choice, complain because it isn't fair they can't have what they want.  Seriously?  I don't like working as much as I do, but I also was raised to believe you get what you work for and I don't want others to have to provide for me or my family. I completely support being a stay at home mom or only working part time.  Trust me, if I could, I would be home every day working on my house, garden, creating and cooking for my sweet hubby.

I would be strictly a housewife.  I would love on my boys and take care of those around me.  Sadly that doesn't pay the bills nor provide for our wants. So do you have your wants or do you have your time, it's a tradeoff.  When I hear someone say it isn't fair that I have something or am able to help my children do something, I want to scream, I work hard to have the things I want and want to do.  I have made a choice that leads me to the point I am at right now.  So why should you have what I work hard for just because you want it and don't want to sacrifice anything for it?

Somehow I need to relearn my juggling skills.  I need to face that green eyed monster and tell it to go away!  That I am in control of how I see the world and how I react to it.  I need to remember that I made the choices and now I must learn to balance it all. 

Maybe I am just longing for a chance to walk away from some of it. Maybe it is the springtime air that is pleading with me to come outside and enjoy the awakening.  Maybe it is simply that I have new things I want to do and explore and the everyday hum-drums are keeping me from doing it.  Maybe I simply need to learn from Gator how to savor the sunshine and kick back for even a few minutes. 

Am I the only one that is dropping the balls while juggling my life?