F.E.A.R... you know what it stands for...

Whew... my fingers are killing me, in fact I am so tired I can barely see straight!  Yet I am so nervous and apprehensive.  I am at 74 beanies, I simply don't think I will reach my 100 goal.  I am trying.  I haven't given up yet, but I am close.  At some point my fingers and lack of sleep have to win.

So why am I nervous?  Maybe it is the eternal optimist in me... or the girl/boy scout roots of always needing to be prepared.  Do I seriously expect to sell out... probably not... but I am terrified of not holding up my end of the agreement.  Who knows, I might come home with the same 74 beanies I am leaving with.  Actually, I might have a few more, because I plan to continue working on them while I am there.

I never got my soap made.  I simply didn't have time or the energy... I have considered it for today, but I really am not thinking it is going to happen. 

I am so nervous, I know that I shouldn't be.  I also know that I am incredibly insecure about my skill set and abilities.  This is the first time in over 25 years that I have truly put myself out there on such a grand scale. It's a leap of faith that I am not sure I was ready to do.  It's one thing to sell a random hat or two to friends.  It's another to hope complete strangers like them enough to buy them. 

I do have dreams, I would love for b'longa'b's to become my full time passion and career, but I am also sadly a realist.  Those two don't combine well.  It takes a lot for me to be willing take risks, and this is a risk.  Oh it isn't going to bankrupt me, or make my life miserable like the last time.  The amount of time I have invested while seeming huge right now isn't that great, I have spent more time doing other things that I don't love that I will never get back.  Mostly... it is fear...

Yeah, yeah, yeah... I know what fear stands for... False Evidence Appearing Real... but it is still my false evidence.  What if they don't like my beanies?  I know me well enough to know I am going to take it personal.  I do believe that I mentioned I am insecure... What if I come home with 74 beanies?  What if I come home with none and an order list too long to comprehend?  Yeah, I am like that... I worry like crazy about the extremes and forget all the middle ground.

I am sure it is all going to be just fine. It is just my over active, paranoid, insecure imagination kicking in.  I think I need to focus on simply having fun and let the rest of it simply happen...

Tonight I set up, I have my daughter - the queen of retail display- helping me.  And tomorrow Hubby and I will have a great time! If you are at the South County Y, stop by and say Hi!

I promise my blog will get back to normal next week... I just needed time to go crazy and dream big!