Friday, September 27, 2013

The ever changing journey...

Let me state emphatically for the record, I am not a party person.  I am not going to ever seek out large groups of drunk people.  It simply isn't me or my style.  I didn't do it in my 20's and I am not going to do it in my late 40's... or one would think.

Last night I am pretty sure some kind of ritual/party ended up happening in my cabin. There we were enjoying the peace and quiet.  A few of my co-workers and I were sitting around quietly, unwinding, letting the strain of two intense days wash over us.  The first day had been deeply intense and had strained us all.  We were emotionally worn from it.  None of us had fully processed our feelings from day one when the second day, a complete polar opposite from the first left us feeling more torn, confused, convicted and simply emotionally drained.

The Skyline dip was heating in the microwave, the chips were waiting, the four of us had just toasted with our icy cold beers.  We were ready to relax, decompress, and unwind.  There were conversations waiting to happen, an early night awaiting us around the corner. It was perfect.... until the knock...

We have all established that I am not an overly social person.  In that kind of emotional turmoil and vacuum... well... lets say strained took on a whole new meaning.  The party lasted well past midnight, the chaos was more than I could absorb.  Shortly after 11 pm, I ran for the safety of my room.  I needed time to process all that had transpired over the course of two days.  The lows that felt like a bottomless pit to the highs that reached into the very stars themselves.

The power of yesterday was indescribable.  It was a new format, new leader and new energy.  It was the very definition of why I am part of the group that I am.  It defined for me those feeling, that energy and strength.  From the very minute it started it was powerful and inspiring.  The fact that laughter and joy were a cornerstone to the event made it touch my very soul.

I have drifted away from taking time to say my morning prayers, I had allowed life to overtake me.  Yesterday while I was sitting there quietly in that empty room looking at the lake, I had bowed my head in prayer.  I asked God to help me, because I was seriously struggling with my role and my place.  I felt that I had taken a long walk in the wrong direction.  I became part of the moment, cleared my thoughts and talked to God.

I didn't expect the power I found in my day.

I felt drawn to the classes I chose to take.  The messages were exactly what I needed to hear.  I could feel the change in my heart.  The hurt and anger of the day before, the doubt and despair lifted away.  I was remembering.  I was getting empowered and excited by the possibilities.  My efforts were not in vain, my work not wasted.  I was making a difference. I was having my "cup" refilled.

I was blessed to take two classes that changed my thought and heart processes.  I still need to process fully what I learned in those classes.  Community building and conversations were things that I needed to hear.  I chose with my heart, I heard with my heart.

The next highlight of the day was having the amazing opportunity to hear Pastor Jerry Parrish of Bradenton, Florida speak.  WOW!  I still have goosebumps, I still can hear his words, see his video, the faith and conviction he shared so openly and willingly with us.  When introduced the words "the man I aspire to be when I grow up" were used.  I can still only say wow... because that was a very true phrase!  I looked him up on you tube and will be watching a few of his sermons and speeches.  He is a truly kind, compassionate man that fully allows the spirit to lead, guide and use him to change the world.  Florida is blessed to have him, the world is.

The fellowship of the day was very powerful for me.  The raucous party in my cabin wasn't. But... even in the midst of the chaos I was able to find time to be with people important to me, to touch base, reconnect, talk.  I was happy to see so many that I care about near and laughing.  There were parts I could do without, but I was simply tired and ready to stop.  I simply needed the peace I crave.  I found it in sleep, they continued on probably not missing me at all.

This morning tired, groggy and a bit irradiated at what I had perceived as rude and selfish behavior, I wandered out to find that one of my co-workers had cleaned up the mess, left our cabin looking little less worse for the wear.  I discovered a morning with the fog hanging heavy over the lake, and a renewed sense of wonder.

I had a breakfast conversation that almost brought me to tears.  Our friend that had passed a few weeks ago, the one I wrote about, her son took the time to tell me he had read what I had written.  To thank me.  To know that I had been able to provide even a bit of comfort... wow... it set the tone for a beautiful, amazing day.

Betty wrote words of comfort on my blog, she understands me deeply, probably better than I do myself and she is a strong influence on me.  They helped... I have amazing people in my life, and together we can change the world!

I am not a kid anymore, I am okay with who I am and where life has led me.  Our team building was truly inspiring, not like in the past, it felt like something changed in the past two days.  Wednesday is so far away.

I am on a journey, it is ever changing.

I am home now, back in my comfort zone, back to where I find the greatest amount of peace.  Surrounded by those I love, I still have work to do, but a clearer path before me...