Thursday, September 26, 2013

Reflections of a day lost...

 I'm waiting to see the sunrise over the lake... From my balcony I can see the most spectacular view! I love being tucked out in the country and having the beauty and peace all around me.  Last night we sat out on the deck drinking a few beers and laughing together as friends.  The stars were so bright that it looked like we had simply been dropped right in the middle of the milky way. Unlike in the city where you can only see select stars and the moon.  Out here on the lake the sky is deep, rich and velvety and the stars are so numerous that it appears they run together. Creating lines of light in the fabric of the sky.

The good Lord must have known I was going to need space yesterday to deal with the day.  For the first time in over 10 years I found myself completely alone last night.  No hubby, no room mates, and no pets.  It was odd to say the least.  I am used to sharing my world with many others.  Complete silence, no phone, no television, no radio... that is just odd for me. But it's okay.

Yesterday was not a good day.  I don't like some things and yesterday was about 10 hours of those things I seriously dislike.  It was stressful, demotivating and uncomfortable.  It was so many feelings and negative emotions that I almost imploded.  I am a positive person.  I don't believe in a no win scenario.  What I do believe in is finding a solution that makes everyone feel if not happy at least comfortable with the outcome.  I didn't feel that yesterday.

It was a serious struggle for me.  Surrounded by beauty and friends I felt like someone was trying to force feelings of failure and unworthiness.  Over the course of the next few weeks I seriously need to do some gut checking.  I need to figure out the who's, what's and why's of my life and my world.  I may have made a serious miscalculation over six years ago, and it's just taking me a long time to realize it.  I am a slow learner I guess.

Surrounded by the peace and beauty, I need to stop and back up.  I need to recenter and think.  I need to weigh what is best for my family against what is the reality of my world at this time.

Sitting here watching the sun come up over the hills, the mist clearing over the peaceful lake, lost in tranquility, I am wondering if I have the strength and emotional fortitude to make it through a repeat of yesterday. Will it be a repeat?  Different players are entering the stage. Maybe there will be a positive note to today, maybe the beauty and the energy of the location will fill the rooms and speakers.  Will it be uplifting?

Here in the silence of my room, with the beauty of nature, I am struggling.  It was demanded yesterday "what is your passion"... I used to think I knew... I know what it isn't... I really know what it isn't.  It isn't negative, demeaning, insulting or critical... that isn't a world I can live in, it isn't even a world I can pretend to play in.

It is a lifetime away from who I am and what I want out of life.  I am those stars that are sparkling, looking to shine light, to be good and hopeful.  I am not that deep, bottomless darkness. Oddly I am not the one seeking to outshine anything.  I simply want to be a piece of what is making the world whole, good and amazing for all of us.

It feels like the gentle breeze blowing across the water is also blowing across my thoughts and feelings... ruffling them like those tiny waves...

I don't ask for much... kindness, respect, compassion, caring and understanding, those don't seem like they should be too much...