Sunday, May 26, 2013

I cried...

Beauty is found when you look! My Rhodies...
Yesterday, I cried.  It takes a lot for me to cry.  Either you have to make me very angry or very hurt.  Those are really the only two ways (this of course is barring death and even that falls into the hurt category).  But yesterday was a perfect storm.  I was angry and hurt.  I wanted to scream and yell at the world, but in particular the one that caused the pain.

It isn't the first time, it won't be the last.  Some people simply move through life with blinders on.  They can only see what's in it for them.  And it's damn the torpedo's full speed ahead.  That was yesterday.  The younger me used to get pretty uptight and would have really done something stupid in response.  Like, well respond.  I didn't.  I have changed a lot as I've grown older and I have reached the point where I realize there is a lot of value in just closing the door and walking away from it.

It took me a lot of hours and some wise counsel from Hubby and Daughter to help me see the whole picture.  To focus on what was truly the source of the anger and pain and to step back and redirect.  At first  it was like buckshot.  I wanted to hit as much as I could and injure all parties that I perceived had injured me.  Then as I became calmer and focused, I realized it was the same dynamic that always causes the hurt and pain.  I slowly started to see it all for what it really was.

And I was calm.  Instead of spending a day in hurt and anger, I spent the day with people that I love and can count on. I am so thankful for their peace and strength.

Sometimes it is very difficult to be the stronger person.  Sometimes you want to lash out and hurt the person that has injured you.  Sometimes you have an overwhelming need to "even the score".  The peace you find is when you don't.  I could have done that yesterday.  Ten years ago... I would have.  Ten years ago, I did.  It didn't bring me peace, it didn't bring me calm, it didn't bring me a sense of evening anything.

Last night as I put my head down on my pillow, I felt I had a good day.  I had time with three of our kids, my grand daughter, grand son, and niece.  A wonderful lunch with hubby and got a few things done in my yard.  Had the opportunity to have a long conversation with my girl, and further see her new nest taking shape. No I didn't get to see my sister's face when she opened the quilt that I made for her son, but I heard the smile and tears in her voice on the phone when she called me on our way home late yesterday after we simply couldn't wait any longer. I would have liked to have seen my folks, but I will get to at least spend a bit of time with them today.

I had made a different decision about today.  One made in hurt and anger.  My daughter and my son both helped me realize it was a bad one.  So today, I will smile, enjoy the sunshine and laughter with my kids.  I will consider the source and move on.

Hubby is under the weather, so he will be spared having to make those kinds of decisions.  Maybe God knows better than us, I hate that hubby is sick, but I also know my knight is shining armor is ready and able to do battle for my heart.  He doesn't like it when I am sad, he really doesn't like it when I cry. And he will even the score no matter what the cost.  I don't want him to do that. I want him to have the peace of walking away.

Ultimately, I will move on.  I can forgive and I can forget, but I am notorious for walking away.  I will simply walk away from the source of pain.  It isn't worth it to me to stay near. Inside I felt that final brick move into place yesterday.  I felt the pop.  I am sad that it's there, but I also realize that I need it there. I don't like to be hurt, and I really don't like to be hurt repeatedly.

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I am learning.   It's a late day for me and I am enjoying the solitude of the morning.  I am working on bringing some balance back ...