Monday, January 13, 2014

I needed strength stronger than myself...

Sure didn't sleep the night before last.  Spent a lot of hours sitting up in the dark feeling like my world is spinning as out of balance.  Breathing was painful, thinking hurt, and my heart was feeling wrung out.  I sat there in the dark, afraid to breathe. For hours I sat there feeling lost.  I prayed.  I talked to God for hours.  I finally did what I always do when I know everything is bigger than my ability to understand and process it.

After hours, after prayerfully giving it all up to God. I went to bed.  I didn't really fall back to sleep, but I rested.  Yesterday morning, I felt better. This morning, I feel stronger.  I feel like the weight of the world is not resting on me.

I am grateful for my faith today.  Maybe you won't find me in church every Sunday.  And I don't expect everyone to share my faith. I do hope that whatever your belief is in brings you that kind of peace and calming in your soul.

I started this yesterday, but never finished.  I do believe in evil and the devil.  I do believe that his greatest achievement is to make us take our eyes and our heart off God and good. When I was battling all of that the other night, I knew the doubt, stress and hurt were coming from the wrong place.  I could almost envision the little cartoon devil sitting on my shoulder whispering all my deepest fears to life.   I think that is why I was praying so hard.  I knew that little demon on my shoulder was giving life to F.E.A.R (False Evidence Appearing Real), and I was struggling to make him be quiet.

I can't say that I haven't felt those tinges since that night.  I have.  But they weren't as strong. The fear, the worry, that heart wrenching feeling, those are all milder now, not sneaking in and overwhelming me.

I am a realist, I do know that we are facing a huge battle getting our building and lives back to normal.  There are many possibilities that are stressful to me, the person that hates change.  But I know that something far more powerful than you or I is in control and that whatever happens is what was meant to happen.

Yesterday, once I was able to sleep for a few hours and place everything in stronger hands than I will ever have, things were better.

I spent a few hours at my building, got a few things taken care of that needed attention.  Answered a few emails, took care of banking and all those things that a few hours of insanity had shuffled to the background.  While hubby took care of the part of the building that houses his world.  His office is in boxes sitting on the floor in my office.  Everything is either soaking wet or covered in tarps.  His office took a beating.  He's feeling a bit jinxed.  His last office caught fire.  I think the water from the suppression system simply got delayed and the location a bit off.  No... but the poor guy is as beat up as I am.

He is doing better than me, maybe because I am worried about so many others that I am responsible for, or maybe I am simply a wimp?

At any rate... with the sunshine out, the roads dry, and the temperature rising, Hubby set about righting my world.  We headed back east around one and pulled that beautiful Harley out of the shed, it was time to blow some cobwebs out, to put the stress where it belonged... out of our lives. An ice cold single barrel Jack & Coke and we were off (the drink was mine, he was driving).  It's amazing how many back roads you can find never leaving the cities.  We prefer quiet country roads, but this time of year it's warmer to stay in the city.  Hubby finds so many quiet streets, full of history and beauty.

Two hours later, home for a minute, then off to buy groceries for the week.  Needed some crock-pot dinner stuff.  It's going to be a long one.

Hubby never let my J&C go empty, made me laugh, made me feel so much calmer. 

Here it is morning, the alarm is going to be going off soon, I will go and start a nice beef stew to be waiting for us when we get home.  Today... maybe a few answers...

I'm not worried... Jesus took the wheel...