in a minute...

I'm sitting out back, there is a gentle spring breeze and the sun is slowly setting. I'm listening to a mix of sounds.  The birds are still singing, they haven't decided it's time for a nap.  I can hear the deer and squirrels romping through the dead leaves.  Although the chatter is fading. Mostly I hear lawn mowers, string trimmers and blowers.  Seems everyone is taking advantage of this beautiful evening to tidy up their yard for Easter. It's supposed to rain tomorrow.  Hard to believe by the beauty that is surrounding us.

 It's been a hard day.  A roller coaster kind of day.

It started off beautifully, bright and crisp as an early spring morning should be.  Hubs and I had a final morning of zoo sitting, so we walked the boys and took off in the early morning light.  He'd agreed to walk with me.  I am getting fanatical about those 10K steps.   I didn't have time to be crazy this morning, had to be in to work early.  And as I was the only one with a key, sure didn't want to risk being late.  So after a nice walk to and from the zoo.  I hurried and got ready for work, while the Hubs ran to get our supplies for smoothies.

For a change we chatted about stuff not work related.  It was fabulous!  We are plotting a mini-getaway. Somewhere to unwind, to just exist. We need it.  We're both tired and stressed.  We are finding conversations are fixated on work and that is about all. Today, we were day dreaming of a him and I and the boys kind of weekend.

At work myself and two of my team hid 6 dozen eggs for our members to find.  Believe it or not grown ups need Easter Egg hunts too.

That's when it happened.  I got a call from one of my B's.  The kind of call that makes your head spin, your heart stop and that you know there is not enough prayer to patch the heart.  The first call was simply a call for prayer, from a distraught mom.  She didn't have all the answers yet, just a mom sense.  A deep need for someone to pray with her.  I hope it was enough, it was all I had to offer.  Besides offering to come and get her and take her where she needed to go. The next call so few minutes later was the one that took every ounce of air in my lungs. I knew that I couldn't do anything, just pray.  And be there if she needed me.

It was simply two words. I've only heard them a few times in my life in my immediate world.  "He's gone."

After we hung up, I sat and cried.  I'm a mom.  I can't fathom that pain, and yet I fear it just the same.  My children are my world.  I know that her's are too.  I know the kind of love she has for her babies, I feel the same about mine.

She's strong.  I admire that strength.  I am just worried for her.  Even the strong can only survive so much. She's already lost deeply.  This cut is even deeper.

All I can offer is prayer and support.  I will give her both.

I sent my son an IM, I needed for him to know I love him.  I gave my girl a hug as soon as I could after work.  It was like a salve to my heart and soul.  I long to be able to offer her the same.  Sadly, I can't.

It hurt my heart so much.  I wanted to rush to her side and let her take my strength to lift her up, so she could save the bits left.  As I couldn't I did the closest I could.  I covered all her shifts and activities at work.  I arranged to take on her tasks for at least the coming week.  Luckily, I can easily do most of her job, as I have done it before, and the things I can't do, I have other staff I can task to handle it.  I can do my best to lighten her daily load as she deals with the unimaginable.

And I can bow my head and pray.

My own sweet son didn't reply.  But that is normal, he's probably thinking his mom has gone a bit crazy.  My girl knows them and as a mom could understand.  I think we talked for a few hours tonight.  Her hugs were so warm and reassuring.

A mom should never have to experience this.  And as I talked and dreamed with my girl tonight... my heart hurt for her, remembering a conversation about hopes and dreams that she had just shared with me.  Please say a prayer for my "b", she needs all the love those can bring.  And while you are at it.  Hug your loved ones just a bit tighter, because you never know what tomorrow may bring.


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