Saturday, March 19, 2016

gotta go back...

I found this song shortly before Joey died.  It's so beautiful and completely explains how I feel. I'd really love to go back to a time that seems so long ago.  A time when Hubs and I spent more time on us and less time on everything else. I feel so much like I am losing things that are important to me.  And I simply don't know how to turn back that clock.  We do the stupid time thing twice a year, but it never seems to make things more like they should be. 

I decided to spend the day doing chores.  I got my hair cut, went shopping for shoes (thought I found a pair - nope - gonna have to try that again tomorrow), did all of our grocery shopping for the week, and planned an awesome dinner for Hubs.  I also got the yard mowed and after trying three different hardware stores found the line for the trimmer, so I was able to edge the yard.  Hubs was going to do it tomorrow. I was hoping by doing all of that, Hubs and I could have a peaceful day doing things that make us happy. 

That was all before Hubs let me know that he would be working later than he originally thought and that he would be going back tomorrow. I won't lie a sob actually caught in my throat. We hardly see each other anymore.  We leave at different times, in different directions.  Most lunches end up either being cancelled or rushed.  Usually by the time I come home, he's sound asleep.  

Anymore, it feels like we only spend time together walking the boys or talking on the phone. In fact as I sit here typing he's sound asleep.  Yesterday was about 10 hours of painting, he barely slept, and then he spent another 10 hours painting today. For a desk guy, that's a lot of manual labor. And I am sure that even though he is not supposed to be on ladders, he no doubt spent quiet a bit of time on one.  He's that guy. The one that will put himself in danger before he will let anyone down. 

Cauliflower Fried Rice and Soaked Carrot Spring Rolls

I am not even sure he really tasted the dinner that I made for him, he'd fallen asleep in the chair and I am thinking he ate on auto-pilot.  I hope he rests well.  He will make himself sick if he doesn't. His immune system took a beating over the past year.  Too much...

I am feeling a mixture of emotions.  

I know he didn't want to let down the guy he said he'd help today, which is why he is working tomorrow. And this is one of the very things I love the most about him.  He's so generous and caring.  His word is his bond. 

At the same time, it's been a very long time since we've had a full weekend at home together.  Which is why I worked hard to get everything done today.  So we could have an "us" day tomorrow.  Even if it was simply just hanging out. 

I guess I'm sad.  And feeling selfish, I don't want him to take hours from me to give to someone else.  It feels too much like that is all either of us do.  

I'm sitting here on the sofa curled up with the big dog!  We even took dog selfies.  I took both of the boys for a long walk.  And I spent serious time talking with chickens... Rosie was a little sweetie.  She seemed to understand my stress... Oh lord... I am having conversations with dogs and chickens... This might be a bit of a problem.

Neeko is trying to decide which is his best side...

Looking innocent...

Just gonna sleep on Mom...

I guess I will head upstairs.  Finish off the day early.  I am kind of tired of hanging out with myself.  And Neeko is snoring, so there is no conversation happening there.  And my eyes are drifting... its been a busy day.