happy birthday, my heart!

Good Morning Tuesday!

It's a dreary, cloudy, icky day outside.  Would be perfect for a fire and my coffee and I sit around this morning enjoying my "me" time before I head off to work.  The Hubs even has it ready for me.

One match...

Not happening today.


I am busy cooking up some Sweet and Sour Spareribs for a lunch time celebration!

Today is one of the "B's" birthday!!  I will gladly give up down time to celebrate her always!

This one is my special "B"... She's more than any words that could ever describe her.  I personally feel about her like I feel about the Hubs.  There are people in this life that we are meant to encounter, that make us whole.  She is one of those people for me.

She's been a part of my world far longer than I can remember, even though it hasn't been many years.  I remember the day I met her, clear as a picture on the wall.  I remember falling in love with this amazing soul instantly.  I cannot remember how many years its been, because it feels like she's always been there.

When either of us is on vacation - I miss her.  I can't imagine not having her in my life.  And as I know she is reading this... Don't even think about making me find out!!

She is one of the most genuine, loving, caring, thoughtful, amazing women that the Lord ever put on this planet.  Heck, I even share the Hubs with her!  Although... she does get stuck with the hoodlum side of him. They both share a love of wicked jokes, they are pranksters and always looking for the fun in everything they do.  When he's a poo... I tell her that is her half of the Hubs.

She is one of the very few people I have ever let close.  I tend to keep a bit of a wall up... It's the military brat in me.  She knows my secrets, my stories, my life.  She's dried my tears, comforted me, sat in the hospital with me while I was losing my mind.  She was one of the first I called when my son-in-law died.  I remember sitting up at night with her talking on the phone when her baby brother was sick and she was scared.

This silly, little dynamo has run soothing fingers over my swollen leg, scolded me to the point I expected a switch, ranted and raved with me when life has been just a pain in the... well lets leave it at that.

She is always there for me.  I don't know if I deserve someone in my life that is so amazing, I am not sure that I am worthy.  She is as much a part of my life as my own mother and father.  There are times I feel like she is a mom to me, other times she is my sister, then she is my best friend, or maybe she is simply my heart.

We've spent hours sitting on my deck, talking and enjoying the wild life.  We've laughed over the fact that siren's aren't a typical sound out where I live.  I've worried about her, threatened to kidnap her and force her to live out here in the 'burbs, knowing full well that her city heart would never be able to handle the culture shock.  She only enjoys the deer and critters in small doses.

I have watched her over the years, and been amazed.  She is tough and loving all in one breath.

And my most fieriest protector, supporter, mentor and friend.

There are very few people that I will create for, most don't value and appreciate what it means.  The hours of work and often the very cost.  Too many see those types of gifts as "homemade", as less than.  They don't cherish them.  She does.  She knows that a handmade gift is made with love, that the hours that went into it were many.  She either wears or uses those gifts with love and pride.  I feel bad that this year's gift is store bought.  I think she will like it anyhow.

She is all these things and more, and not just for me.  Just yesterday I watched her spend a few minutes with one of the homeless men.  Life has beaten him up, she is lifting him up.  They were looking on Amazon, he's hurt his back and needs a back support, she is finding a way to help him get it.  She's that kind of person.

This morning when I called to wish her happy birthday, she reminded me that another of our dear friends and his wife both needed a few extra prayers today.

With her for a role model, the sky is the limit! I will never be as good, loving, caring or kind as she is, but I will definitely keep trying to make her proud!

I am so blessed to get to celebrate her!

Nothing I can give will ever be equal to what she means to me.

Although, soon I will drag her back out to the 'burbs, we will spend a wonderful evening sitting on the deck looking up at the stars and maybe even a few hours by the fireplace.  Laughing, talking, sharing, dreaming and sipping a coke with single barrel...

I love you my dear sweet "B"... thank you so much for being a part of my life!!

storm clouds...

Ever have one of those days where you simply can't win?

I seem to be stuck in one of those today.  And the amount of sadness it causes me is unreal.

I don't pretend to be perfect, Lord knows that would cause a lightening bolt or two in my direction.

And I certainly don't always make the right decisions or say all the right things in the heat of a moment. In fact chances are far more likely that I will blow it. I often let my emotions run hog wild with my brain.  I try not to, I truly do, but well... that's just who I am.

And inevitably I end up somewhere in the middle of an emotional mess.   And the part of me that wants everything right, peachy and wonderful.  Well it simply doesn't do well with that.

I never intentionally hurt anyone.  I would never say anything that could cause someone pain.  Because I never want someone to do that to me.

Today started so awesome.  A good night's sleep, the sparkle in Hub's blue eyes, and laughter.  I was sure looking forward to today.

Then a misstep here, a misstep there... And I will be thankful to put my head on my pillow and give up.

I'm sitting here listening to the turtle fountain and the whirring of the washer. The dryer just chimed to let me know it's done and I'm eating a leftover smoothie and a bowl of rice for dinner.  I sure don't like to cook for one.

Hubs is off doing Hubs stuff with the guys.  It's been planned for about a week.  As this isn't a normal thing in our lives it feels awkward and strained.  Drawing out and already too long and bitter day.

Hubs and I are best friends.  I look for him in my day more than anyone else.  And I have often been accused of shutting others out in favor of him.  I was very blessed the day he came into my life.  I honestly felt the other half of me being found.

He and I are often amazed because we think so much alike.  So when we aren't firing on all cylinders, it is miserable.

Every couple has moments.  We aren't the exception. It's rare.  And usually over something incredibly stupid. One of us overly tired, frustrations with work, or ex's... it doesn't make it easier.

I think I am going to wash the dishes, put on my jammies and do a bit of knitting while I watch the X-Files. And wait for this full moon, my smart mouth and hurt feelings to pass away...

sorting through my back pack...

So... last night blog post simply disappeared.  I had been too tired to post it last night, falling asleep while writing.  I had saved it to go back this morning, and then a glitch or something happened and even the saved file simply disappeared.

I wonder if that is the universes way of saying... rethink this...

I have shared that 2016 is all about change and taking charge of my life.  And I am making some incredible steps in that direction.

Someone that I spend a great deal of time with always encourages everyone to empty out our backpacks and re-evaluate if what is in there is something we want to carry with us or just dead weight.  I am not always a big fan of doing things like that.

I won't say it's arrogance, the last thing I would ever think is that I am not carrying around garbage that my life would be better without.  I realize there is a ton of crap in there... it's human nature.

It is more truthful to say that I don't want to face the things that I shoved way down in that back pack (just for the record I don't like to clean out my purse for that very reason either).

I don't like conflict, I don't like facing unpleasantness, I am definitely not a fan of negativity or hurtfulness.  I will avoid a confrontation at all costs.  It's simply not my thing.

I also never put myself first.  (Yes, I am aware that this is a bit of a character flaw).

I like to claim that it is the mom in me, this is probably not a true statement either.  I'm going to say it probably has a whole lot more to do with life is easier in a servant role.  It's less stressful to not stand up for yourself. It's less anxiety inducing when you allow other things to come first.

As I am embarking on this year, leaving 2015 firmly behind, I am having to face things that cause unpleasantness and hurt.

I don't like it. Yet, I am willing and able to do it.

Hubs and I have made serious strides this year into only eating at home or food that we personally have prepared.  Are we perfect? Heck no!  In fact last week included a few meals eaten out.

Life got in the way, it was a bad week.

What we didn't do however is just grab whatever junk was handy.  We made conscious well informed decisions. Inputting it into our Fitbit's before deciding to eat it.  We were mindful. As a result, we are both feeling better, we both saw the scale creep downward.

We both found more energy to deal with the beast that was!

Two weeks ago, my stupid knee roared back to full anger.  I've dealt with serious pain and the inability to use it properly for almost two long years.  Hobbling up and down stairs in an odd gait, an inability to bend it properly, being woken from sleep due to the pain, walking with a profound limp and making sure I wore clothing that could accommodate my "fat leg" are just a few of the unpleasant side effects.

I've dealt with it because there has been too much else on my plate.  Work has had challenges since the flood, Hubs spent almost a full year falling apart on me, I moved... oh I have a whole list of reasons for allowing it to control every aspect of my life.

The Hubs part - is probably the only legitimate one on the list. Both of us, could not be down at the same time.  Who would have taken care of him?  Who would have walked the boys?  Reality... when I returned from Brazil and it stayed swollen for months, I should have pushed harder to find a good doctor.  It might have been healed long before he was down for so very long.

Two weeks ago, the pain and swelling were enough to jolt me out of my stupor.  I was forced to do something to take care of me.  I couldn't think, concentrate, or even rationalize life.  It hurt so much that I, the queen of denial, made a doctor appointment.

I was forced to put it up, I was forced to stop for a few days.  I was forced to use common sense.  I didn't like sitting, I didn't like the need to keep it elevated, and I definitely didn't like waiting endlessly for answers.

Pain and fear are great motivators though.  That and a crazy clever doctor that wasn't going to allow me to work around her orders.  I stressed in the appointment that I had a desk job, that I could modify my day, etc.  All the excuses that I could to avoid letting anyone down.  She told me no. She told me that even at a desk job I wouldn't be able to sit with my leg above my heart for the majority of the day.  Hindsight, she was right.  She waited until the very end of the day on Friday to let me know that there was no blood clot, although there was effusion.

How did this new doc figure me out so quickly.  It was only the second time that she had met me and the first that she had personally examined me.

As fate would have it, the orthopedist was sick the same week and I had to wait until Monday to be seen.

Again I am questioning if the universe or fate is out to teach me a lesson.

Monday was magical.  It was filled to capacity with blessings.  It was long and brutal, but right in the middle was a miracle.  At least to me it was!

Not a fan of needles, even less of a fan of BIG needles.  And I never sign up for any kind of medications, ever.  But after years of pain, a week of steroids and anti-inflammatory medication, and seeing the difference five days of confinement had had, I was was game for just about anything that was promising me success!

The new orthopedist is incredible.  Gentle, understanding, not rushing to cut me up, probing to understand and solution based.  I feel like I found a soul mate.  Someone that had my best interest at heart and not someone focused on a house payment.

As she drained my knee, I could actually feel the pain leaving.  The discomfort of the needle firmly through my knee joint was the only feeling left.  I felt it shrink.  For the first time in years my knees looked like they belonged on the same person.  It wasn't hurting all the way down to my toes.  I could bend it!

I felt ready to take on the world!

I started therapy yesterday, gotta say, not my favorite thing at this point.  My knee was smarting this morning, feeling sort of like it had been smacked hard!

I did my therapy this morning, and I will do it tonight, and I will follow the "torture" religiously! I am craving the feeling that was left after that appointment on Monday.

The week was tough.  Luckily I was physically up to handling it. People out sick, people dealing with family members dying, long hours to make it okay for those people, and then the soul sucking that was left in the emotional wreak that others caused. Emotionally... wow...

Correction... they didn't cause the emotional wreck.  I allowed my own feelings to respond to others in a way that caused it.  I allowed others petty and hurtful words and actions to dictate my own response to them.

This caused me to have some seriously sleepless nights and fight some strong exhaustion.

Thankfully, in the midst of that chaos and maelstrom my girls  (and inadvertently my son from a distance) and my Hubs bailed me out, tossed me a lifeline or two.

One evening in the midst of it all when stress, hurt and anger were threatening to wipe out reason the girls and I spent the evening getting pedi's even including our far away girl on the coast via chat. Pretty sure she did not benefit as much as the three of us did.

The very next evening, Hubs sent me a message that my littlest girl and I were going to get to go see Newsies at the theater!  She and I love to attend shows together and we both put sleep and plans aside for a wonderful evening!

I had friends spend time lifting me up, talking me off of cliffs that I created in my own frail responses to others insensitivity.  I spent serious time re-evaluating my own worth.

Over the holidays in 2015 I emptied my back back.  All the contents were strewn wide for me to sort through. I am still sorting.  As I hold up fragile bits and pieces I am making decisions as to what to repack. It's a slower process than I had hoped.  It has to be handled appropriately.  Because as I am making the decisions needed, there are people and things that will not be going back in.  Some of the decisions are going to be permanent.

I need them to be well thought out.

My goal this year has to be to push aside my own fears and uncertainties.  I have to learn that if I don't take care of myself I am of no value to anyone.  I cannot let hurtful things said or shared about and with me dictate my responses.  I made that mistake this week.  I allowed others to shape me.

Shame on me!

Reality is that this year, I will ruffle a few feathers.  I will disappoint a few folks.  I will not "act" as I have programmed others to expect.  I will be selfish, but not in a mean or spiteful way.

This year, I am chasing my rainbows.  Following my own shooting stars.  I have plans, dreams, hopes and goals.  And for the first time in a LONG time, I get to be the dictator of how they play out.  I am not going to wrap them gently around anyone else, I will align, I will struggle and fight with all those I love and cherish. But this year... I resign my position in support roles, my light needs to burn just as bright.

I will lend my flame to the brightness of others, but I will no longer allow others to steal my flame.  I am going to focus on my health and happiness this year.

And if you can't lend your light to mine without a fear of my success dimming yours, then I'm sorry, I must love you from afar.

As the sun woke me this morning after a second night of almost twelve straight hours of sleep, I simply felt the power to go on...

thoughts on a snowy eve

I should be sleeping.

I have to be up in just 6 short hours.

But... it's been a day and as I am sitting here enjoying watching these large, fluffy, snow flakes that have started to fall... I am having a hard time deciding to head to bed.

I worked this morning for one of my staff that is out ill, so I headed east in the early morning hours to open the building by 5 am.  As I was making the coffee and conversing with our long time members I was reminded of the joy I feel with this mixed group of people.

I enjoy their stories, the conversations are always had in big bold strokes.  Some of them have been members of my Y for over a generation.  We've been around 90 years now, we have the time to savor their stories.  I spent almost 6 months working that shift when I was searching for the right employee to pass the baton to.  I found him.  But in the process I had to give up something that was enjoyable.

I gave up the time with the morning gang. Coffee drinking, story telling, some of them outgoing enough for the entire crowd, other's quiet and reserved more like me.  I hate that my staff member is sick, but I needed that jolt to my system.  They remind me why I do the work I do.

So many of that morning crowd are houseless, I won't say homeless, because I believe after getting to know so many of them that they have a home, it's our Y and our family is their family. With it's lumps and bumps, they are genuine and caring, for the most part they are all trying to get a little further along in life.  I won't say on a bitter cold morning like today that they are not a bit begrudging of a nice warm bed or a fire to sit by. They are supportive of one another, looking out for each other, and so protective.

Some of them are battling demons that we cannot image.  Be it drugs, alcohol, the horrors of mental illness, veterans that haven't quite found their way home from what they have seen and experienced. Some of them have simply made the choice to live unshackled.

Then there are the business men and retirees, some of them are veterans also.  The ones that seek shelter from the fact that we are a predominately adult Y, that the scars of life are not there in the open to prying eyes.  There are doctors, lawyers, soldiers, judges, teachers, college professors, there are men and women that are simply there for health, and others that are there to bond and build a community.

It was so wonderful to renew those friendships, to surprise them by knowing their names after a couple of years without daily contact. It was fun to talk to them about their pets, their hopes, their dreams.  To remind them to bundle up and to take care of their coughs and sniffles.  To ask about their families and how their work outs have been going.

The day was not without hiccups.

But it managed to have many more bright spots in it.

Followed by this beautiful blanket of snow.

I find a snow peaceful.  I love the beauty that is brings to the world.  The tranquility.

 I was not ready for it. It's been so mellow and only recently have we dealt with a bitter snap of cold.

I am concerned it will keep some of my long lost morning friends away tomorrow or worse harm some of them that were unable to find shelter for the night.

My eyes are getting heavy, so I am heading up to bed.  I just wanted to share how very blessed I am.  I didn't find my career, I didn't search it out.  It found me.  There are days and even moments in beautiful days that I hate parts of it with a passion.  And then the beauty that happened many times today, made it so worthwhile!

Look for your blessings in the tiny things.  They are always there you simply have to look. In the midst of storms there is hope and love.   I am blessed for the love I find around me.

Where do I sign up?

Organizational skills for the chronically disorganized.

That should be an internet class with a lifetime support system.  Because I have to tell you this organization and structure that I am trying to add to my life, well it is incredibly hard work!

I watch my daughter, she is the queen of organizational skills!  And if you could have seen her room as a kid, you would never believe it's the same person.  Sometimes I swear invasion of the body snatchers has happened.  

As a kid finding a pair of socks, or sometimes simply her in her room was a challenge at best, yet now, open her cupboards and everything is organized, easy to find and orderly. Mine?  Try as I might, I spend a great deal of time looking for a can of black beans. I will admit to finding some mason jars and my label maker so that my bulk ingredients aren't stacked up in bags in the cupboard - Yes!  Success!

Before this year is up, I want to be "that" person, at least to a degree.  I'm not going to say that would work for me completely.  I am far too free spirited and unique for that to be me. If I wake up with a need to quilt, knit, crochet, paint, build, or be an alchemist in my kitchen, I know that I am not going to be happy until I have accomplished that goal.

As we ran errands yesterday I was able to get 10 rows on my sweater.  That might not sound like much, but when it's an all in one sweater and I am currently working with 460 stitches at a time, that's pretty darn impressive. I didn't allow myself to go to bed until I'd gotten ready to start the 10th set of rows, only have to get to 38 sets before I can start the collar.

I am sure they thought I was a bit special getting the oil changed on Hubs car and at the car wash.  I personally felt that I was far more productive than the swarms of people huddled over their phones not conversing or even making eye contact with anyone. The young woman beside me, was fascinated by my stitching and telling me all about her sister in college that does the same thing.  I love those kind of conversations.  Hubs was busy supervising the folks working on his car.

I sat in the car and stitched while he was buying new hubcaps.  First time he takes his car to work and some idiot steals two of the hubcaps.  Seriously? Frankly, I am fairly certain the goal was all four and someone came out and caught them.  Come on folks, it's an 05 Saturn, and you wanted the hubcaps? A new set was less than $40, go buy your own.  On that note, he'll be posting two slightly used hubcaps on Craig's List today, maybe he can help the guy or gal round out their set.

Got two rows on while he did that.

I was armed with a shopping list, grocery list and I felt pretty darn sure that I had all the tools needed to be prepared for the week.  Got some great deals on smoothie supplies and a weeks worth of veggies for lunches and dinners.

I was feeling a bit proud of the way my year of changes was going.  Organized, check.  Chores being handled, despite the darn knee thing, half a check.  I was feeling pretty well, amazed at myself.

Then while sweeping out the cat closet this morning, I realized I forgot to buy cat food. Mind you, I bought dog food, turtle food, kale for the lizard, corn for the squirrels and seed for the wild birds, and the little creature that is most insistent that you notice and play with her... she's who I forget.

Hubster and I both got Fit-bits this weekend also.  We both are far more willing and able to focus on important things when there is tracking and accountability.  Besides when your out of pocket is only $9.36 for tax, how can you not? The Y started a new program this year to help you be healthier, and so far we'd each qualified for $100 in gift cards.  So we cashed them in.

One of our goals this year is to get healthier. He needs to protect the "frankenhip" and unfortunately, this darn knee is going to need some serious TLC from me. Besides now that we are both on the other side of the big "50" it just seems to be important that we stop putting our heads in the sand and pay attention.  Medical insurance is expensive, and if by taking control we can save money.  Well... this cheapo is all about it!

Even if it does mean I have to plan, be organized and a bit more structured. Ugghhh...

I am going to reuse a few of the menu plans from last week.  I didn't end up doing a great job sticking to it after my knee decided I needed to slow down immediately. And Hubs was able to schedule one of his tests that involved no food for 24 hours.  Kind of screwed up my hard work, although, it felt good to be in control and know what dinner was going to involve. Not coming home and having to scramble to thaw and plan something was a complete bonus.  We are taking baby steps, but we are getting there.

I wonder if in six months will I look back to today.  Will I picture myself sitting here at my little desk, sipping my coffee (yeah that is never going away!) before dawn, and feel that I have made progress.

I wonder...

My horoscope for 2016 says this is going to be an amazing year, maybe my best ever... Game on...

clicking through...

As I sat in Hubs recliner last night, listening the rhythmic sound of my knitting needles gliding through the soft blue yarn, I wrote my blog in my head for about the twentieth time yesterday.  I knew I wasn't going to actually write, sometimes there is simply too much to manage to get it out of my head.  But with each rhythmic tap (they would have clicked if I were using metal, but I'm using my favorite wooden ones), my mind in the background going knit, purl, knit, purl, I could hear the words I wanted to write, but seemed incapable of.

Yesterday was my baby boy's 25th birthday.  I remember it like it was yesterday.  The call to my best friend telling her to head in, she was my coach, she lived 45 minutes in the opposite direction.  The decision to shower and get cleaned up before heading to the hospital 40 minutes away. We would end up meeting in the middle.  We had to go through crazy security, Operation Desert Storm would be starting in roughly 24 hours.  At one point they would make my best friends leave my side and go move her car further away as the fear of car bombs escalated. The downstairs neighbor came up and sat with my beautiful little blonde girl, who simply knew she was getting a baby brother, it was all she wanted and God was not going to not give her what she wanted.

One of my favorites... 

I had been praying for another baby for years.  It seemed like the heavens had other plans.  Something in my heart always knew that my little guy would be my last, that God was only going to bless me with two. Perfectly a girl and a boy.  My most cherished gifts.

That little man had not been in a hurry, he'd been due a full week before, and without a bit of intervention from the Doc on the 14th, he probably wouldn't have arrived when he did.  But ODS was coming and the options for a civilian in a military hospital were dwindling rapidly.

During the four anxious hours of labor, so excited to finally see his precious face, full of fear as I'd been very ill during my pregnancy and had taken way more medications than this anti-medication momma ever wants to take.  His heart stopped twice, was my precious boy going to be okay? He didn't waste a minute once the time had come and everyone in the room held their breath when he didn't breathe at first, it seemed like minutes, although it was probably just a second or two.  And then there was that beautiful scream, it was not a happy little camper at all!

Mom on the other hand... well my perfect world with my two wonderful children was complete.  I have cherished every minute of being a mom, the good, the bad, the perfect and the horrific moments.  They are my blessings from heaven, and I will always cherish them.

Boy Boy and Bear Bear - cherished childhood loves

The little guy and I were buds when he was growing up, now he is half way across this big old country.  He's not much into phones and rarely calls.  We mostly talk in chats online.  Unless he's home or I am there.  We spend hours talking and catching up.  Playing games and solving all the problems of the world.  My precocious little guy that could use words like plethora and bifurcate in proper sentences in the first grade, who questioned the existence of Saddam Hussein at the age of 8, has grown into an amazing young man. Handsome, kind, loving, smart, driven.  He wants you to believe he has this firm wall around him that he is a stoic academic.  And then you see the crack, the love in his eyes when he is with the ones that mean the most to him, his wicked sense of humor that is dry and sharp able to reduce an entire room into tears of laughter. His laughter when he is with his best friends and they are sharing time that is just theirs.

He is an interesting man, and I am so enjoying the journey of watching him grow. I am so proud to be his mom.  He's a private person, one of the reasons I don't often share about him. Just every now and then that joy and love that fills my heart sneaks out, it pleads to be shared.  I have a picture of him and I from every visit.  Those hugs are what gets me through the long stretches where I don't get to see or hear from him. He's living his life.  I gave him birth and I gave him wings.  I feel that I am blessed beyond words.

As my needles were tapping last night I was engrossed in many thoughts.

Not just about my sweet boy.

I was thinking how thankful I was that Hubs had given me the gift of a complete physical.  He had his final exam yesterday morning and it looks like it will be at least 5 to 10 years before he has to do it again.  I know he only did it for me.  Honestly the past two years have been a bit brutal and I wasn't sure that I could take going through all of that to lose him to something that could have been prevented if he'd have listened to the doctors.  So hanging at the hospital for a few hours yesterday morning was a small price to pay.

I was thinking about my three (now four days) of doctor ordered exile.  Wondering how I can't force myself to do something good for me, but when scared will listen to a doctors orders like they are the gospel.  The steroids and anti-inflammatory are making my tummy feel like it's being assaulted.  The combination of those with the elevation, rest, ice and heat are making my knee feel... better isn't quite the right word... different is probably a better choice.

I got a couple of calls that along with the minimization of the swelling put my mind at ease.  My knee is about half the size it was, and all the swelling is down in my calf, ankle and foot provided I keep them elevated most of the day.  

Doc called with "good" news.  Yep let's go with that glass half full thing that I am so good at.  There are no fractures in my knee or any surrounding bones.  That in my opinion is cause for celebration!  No blood clots either!  Again, lets celebrate!  The swelling and pain are also not a full joint effusion, translation... should NOT need to have anymore needles shoved under my knee cap, although a slight possibility remains that the Orthopedist might want to completely drain the swelling on Monday.

In my world, these were all things to celebrate and if dancing would not have been painful, that is how we would have done it.

Monday morning I will see the orthopedist.  I am only touch apprehensive.  Seems my knee might be semi-full of bone spurs and moderate osteoarthritis. Doc said they were more than a little surprise to see that the x-ray belonged to a 50 year old.  They were estimating someone significantly older.  So how does that happen?  I mean seriously, one knee wears out quicker than the rest of you?  Unreal.  She laid out a few options for me, some of them we have already tried extensively, some are new.  Due to the amount of continual swelling, something will have to be done.  Interestingly enough the sounds my knee makes without the swelling are rather humorous.  Rice Crispies anyone? I am able to walk easier, sort of, at least it bends now. Although the sudden stabbing pains are not fun.  She said I have quite a few bits of broken off bone and cartilage floating around in there causing chaos.  As it is hindering my health, my work, my life, my everything there will be some serious discussions on Monday.

That can wait until Monday.

No sunrise to be seen today

Today my needles will tap, gliding through this beautiful fabric I am creating.  I cannot wait to wear this sweater.  It's allowed me to dream of the next one I will make, although I am trying to clean up all my other projects before starting any new ones.  It's definitely a motivator. My newest yarn catalog has several yarns in there that would be absolutely fabulous in this pattern.

Color is not done justice here...

Well, my coffee is cold, it needs a refill.  The washer just chimed telling me it is time to swap it out.  And I need to fix a smoothie so that I can take my daily dose of poison to control this silly knee.

I am feeling more like me, I am finding the ability to focus and think again.  I like this...

Etiquette...don't we teach it anymore?

Day two of doctor imposed exile.

Maybe it's the beautiful sunrise.

Maybe it's the crackling fire Hubs built before leaving.

Or maybe my temper tantrum is over.

At any rate I feel like a human being again.  No wine, cheese or olives were required to bring me back to center.  In fact I can't even credit a good night's sleep, thanks to the moron that felt the need to call the house at 9:48 pm.

I am fairly positive that most adults over say 30 were raised that you simply didn't call a non-family, non-best friend, non-close personal friend after 8 pm unless it were life or death or something of great importance. I can assure you that unless the message I had left for anyone involved the words call me any time day or night, I will not be pleasant if you call me at 9:48 PM.

That is not to say if my children, grand children, family members, friends or people that I am close to called me any time of the day or night I would not stop everything, wake out of a deep sleep or whatever to be there for them. Because that is exactly what would happen.

But... and this is the huge hairy gorilla in the room... if you are someone I would avoid talking to during waking hours... well I can assure you I do not want to be woken up hearing your drunken, loud voice echoing in my bed room when I am not the person on the phone with you.

Needless to say, it was a short night.

I am one of those people that once I am fully awakened at night, and I was when "the nighttime message returning couldn't respect that people were sleeping and continued to talk for about twenty minutes moron" called, I don't have the ability to fall right back asleep.

Bonus for the caller, and one of the few reasons I am only slightly upset, is that I hobbled across the hall to keep from saying the wrong thing and started digging through some knitting project bags in my sewing room. Remember I am working on finishing all those UFO's this year.

Sitting there in the semi-silence, stewing like an old wet hen, I propped my leg up and started sorting through. I found that beautiful blue sweater that I had started, evidently four years ago.  I know this now, because as I was cleaning out the bag it was in, I found folded up with the pattern my end of work notes on my international trivia event from 2012.  It seemed like only a few months had passed, not a few years.

Luckily it is a very timeless pattern.  So the fact that it will be entering my wardrobe a full four years after I started it will not be a huge issue.  For some reason I was convinced it was a lace pattern and that I was going to need to tear some of it completely out in order to be able to "catch up".  It has had me frozen for literally years! Seems I am just about 3 inches short of completing the second sleeve (and I am even pass the increases) and just have the yoke to go after that. And there is not a bit of lace in the entire sweater.  How did I forget that fact?

All of this made me incredibly excited. If you have to be woken up, brutally in my opinion, it is always good to have a great outcome.

The other thing that simply made my night, was that as I was going through those two bags I located not one, but two sets of my nook earbuds.  Those were my absolute favorites, and I knew I had lost one set - I thought forever, because Hubs found out they were discontinuing them and knew I had lost the only set I had so he bought me two more.  One has been hanging out in his night stand, I was only able to borrow them, as I do have a horrible habit of misplacing them. As of last night, I now know where all three sets are!

Not only that  (and this is a horrible confession to make) I finally found my IPod Nano.  Something else Hubs had bought me that I had "misplaced".  I rarely misplace knitting needles, crochet hooks, quilting supplies, soap making tools, etc, but technology tools, especially small ones... lets just say I struggle with that.  It was in the pocket of one of my knitting bags.  As I was removing the leftover balls of yarn from more projects than I can even remember, I felt it in the side pocket.  Hadn't been charged in years.  In fact I don't even have the computer that had all my music etc loaded on to it any longer.  I was excited just the same. Seems you charge those little suckers up and they work great, even after at least four years.

Hubs finished his call and was heading downstairs (evidently the person that has no idea that people sleep during the night time hours, also had no idea that asking someone to get out of bed and send an email for them, was really pushing the limits of acceptable) as he knocked softly on my sewing room door, maybe he was afraid I was grouchy (he does know me so well)?  Although when I told him to come in,  he claimed it was in case I was in there working on something for him.  Seems two pair of socks and picture for his wall have created a monster.  He was hoping that the stitching I was doing was for him.

Guess I'd better get on it and provide him with another pair of socks. Seems he now craves those homemade goodies.  Yes, that is the sound of my heart beating just a little bit more happily.   He swears he'll wear a sweater - if the sleeves are the same length, that's another story. I know he won't.  He gets hot too easily and never wears sweaters for more than a minute.  That is too many hours of work for it to sit in the back of his closet.

Yes the Christmas decorations are still up...

Well, my fire is burned out, I've had to reset my internet password (thanks to whoever has been working diligently this morning to break into it) and now I have to wait for Hubs to come home to show me how to reset all the televisions... Yep, this girl can spin her own yarn and knit or crochet it up into functional clothing, but give her something a 5 year old could program and she is an idiot!

Before I knit, I have a feeling it is time to curl up in the recliner with my aching leg elevated and take a nap!

frustration...

Stupid knee.

Started aching last week again.  So much for feeling confident that it was behind me.

Yesterday it decided to do that balloon act. Swelling from the knee all the way to the toes. So uncharacteristically I went to the docs.  I am not a fan, I was/am terribly busy, and frankly I felt like no good could ever come of it.

Well, as I have been sitting her looking at my toes all day.  Following directions (I know, be shocked, we all know I don't listen to doctors - much less follow directions) leg elevated above my heart, did all the tests - gotta admit the one tech concerned me a bit, I am simply waiting for results.

The doc doesn't want me on it at all, I even suggested crutches, she suggested - NO.  She nicely informed me the amount of swelling in my leg was a pretty good indicator that I was pushing it well past it's limits. It was FINE last week, I was even bragging to the hubs that it was looking so good, hadn't swollen at all in months, almost no pain, able to bend it...

I am at a loss right now.  I simply don't have time for this. Besides, I'm bored.

I know, those aren't two words I usually use.

But usually someone isn't telling me that for my own good I need to just sit still, keep my leg elevated and rest it.

Oh I have projects I could be working on.

I have almost completed all the work I can do from home on my little Chromebook.  Some things I need the stuff at work to complete. The folks I work with have been incredible with helping me by scanning stuff and answering my questions, now I am running out of things I can do without documentation and access to stuff not stored in my memory.

I didn't anticipate being stuck sitting for 5 days when I left work.  Seems this is a very busy time for quality, recommended Orthopedists.  Top it off with the fact that evidently even they get sick.  Now I could get a same day with the Ortho that tried to kill Hubs last year... ummm pretty sure I will pass on that one. So I won't be getting a return to work early form.  In fact if it is a full joint effusion (which was my fear to begin with and evidently is not off of the working list) I can't even get it taken care of until Monday.

I'm pretty sure once I stop pouting I will be much happier.  But right now, I feel I should be able to have some cheese and crackers with my pity party. Maybe even some nice olives. And I would be totally remiss if I left out a nice sweet wine (I truly detest dry wine).  Instead I will sip on my water, forgot to chill the wine or buy cheese and crackers (they weren't on the menu that I was so proud of preparing) and pout.

I need to clean my house, iron my laundry and still take down Christmas.  The winter dust is gathering and I didn't get out to purchase my son a birthday card.  Instead, I'm sitting here basking in the multi-colored glow of Christmas cheer, watch the dust bunnies breeding in the cold winter sunshine, luckily the laundry is upstairs instead of mocking me.

I'm still in that I can't decide phase on projects, so honestly I don't want to work on anything that is handy and "needle ready" (and trust me there is a lot).  My book is up stairs, and I don't feel like climbing them for something that is going to make me sleepy.

On the plus side, sitting like this is helping. The swelling is much better when there is no weight baring anything on it.  The fiery pain is greatly reduced and my toes almost look normal. So I guess I shouldn't be whining.

I want that doc to call me with the x-ray results.  The tech concerned me, he asked me about a dozen times if I had ever broken my leg, if I was sure I hadn't fallen, was I positive my leg had never been damaged. I am not sure how many times you have to reassure someone that you would definitely remember something like that.

Well... I am just going to sit here and wait... maybe drift to sleep for a minute or two... tomorrow will be better.

sipping coffee...

It's been a whirlwind 24 hours.  Just one day ago it was chaos, rushing to walk the boys before the snow that was supposed to fall, cleaning up the car in hopes of selling her, and so much on my to do list, I felt like I was stealing the minutes I took to write.

Fast forward 24 hours... I am sitting here listening to what is probably one of the most beautiful songs I've ever heard.  It's heart wrenching and a blessing all in one. When I'm Gone.  Recorded a few years ago, video done long before the song became the story of their life.  When I read Rory's words yesterday tears rolled done my face, I understood.  God was taking care of them long before it was needed, knowing he will need this song and the ability to replay it for years to come.

My coffee is steamy and the sun is cresting over the city bright and promising.  Not sure what it is promising though.  As it is bitterly cold.  Hard to believe it was 50 on Friday.  It's a sultry 6 degrees out here in the Valley Park/Manchester area.  Even the boys weren't impressed this morning.  Fastest walk of the winter, who knew that old guy could move that fast?

As I have been sipping my coffee, I've been scrolling through Ravelry, searching for the perfect next pattern. I always hit a strange slump in January.  It might be why I am stalling so badly about taking down the Christmas decorations.  I don't know if I am ready to let the real world back in.  I spend months getting ready for Christmas, I plan, I stitch, knit, crochet, make soaps and salts.  I love nothing more than to give a homemade gift. It means I love you enough to take the time to plan and work on a gift that I pray you will treasure.

When January comes, it's like a vacuum.  At least to my artistic side, it takes me a week or two to get back into the groove.  Some of that is that I also look at January as a clean slate, just like I do with September. They have always been my natural reset points.  January is the biggest on the personal side.  It's where I sit down and take account of where I am, and where I want to be on December 31.  It's where I naturally start the things that have been stewing in my brain during all those peaceful hours of thought while my fingers are working on all of the gifts I love making.  I am afraid that I sometimes terrify myself with the goals I set.

September is much more low key, and I am sure it echo's back to when my kids were small and heading back to school.  It's when I always focus in on home and hearth.  I like to do fall cleaning, who cares about spring cleaning?  I just detailed the house in January.  Besides, when they were little there was a lot of summer fun that needed to be removed to get us ready for my favorite stretch of time fall and the holidays! It's also when I get my brain wrapped up in the upcoming gifting season.

So today finds me looking around sadly.  In this bright sunshine today the house will lose it's sparkle and glitter of the holidays.  It will be cleaned and polished for the coming year.  It was the game plan yesterday, I planned to remove all the decorations, make a menu for the week, do my weekly shopping, etc.

Instead, we sold my Emily.  Yep, I cried like a little baby.  Stupid, sure.  But it wasn't just a car, it represented the kind of love my Hubs shows me every day.  He bought it for me, because it made me happy.  It made me smile.  My favorite picture is my sweet Grand baby standing behind the wheel on her first birthday, the day I brought it home. I know it was the best thing we could do, and the young man that took her home is going to love and cherish her and drive her.  Hubs and I went to look at a car, and after a few hiccups (yeah, lets go with that) we found the perfect little second car at an unbelievable price.  Now neither of us will be stranded or forced to work long days sacrificing our quality of life nor having to borrow from my girl and potentially messing up her plans.

We went out to dinner with the girl and kids, it was the perfect ending to a day that didn't go at all as planned.  As I sat soaking in my big old tub filled with steamy water and the  lavender scented body detox I made, trying to get this silly knee to feel better, I felt surrounded with contentment and love.  I felt perfectly happy.

My life isn't perfect, I have the same stresses, worries, fears as everyone else.  There are many days that are too long and many dreams that are sometimes delayed for far too long. I simply choose to live in my silver lining.  I am blessed with a Hubby that I love and cherish, and he loves me back just as much.  Children and Grand children that I could not even imagine my life without.  They are my heart.  Even when far away the hugs when they are close are enough to carry me through until the next one.

Are you living in your silver lining? What is it?

It's the mid-west after all...

9 am yucky rain

Hubsters and I have been busy this morning!  Thought I would slow down for a minute and drink my smoothie and maybe type a bit.

Last weekend we were both fighting the crud, weather forecast said sunny, dry and near 50 today, so no worries we will take it down on the following Saturday.  No worries, no stress, perfect plan. Maybe it is time to remind myself that we live in the mid-west, and a weather forecast of only a day is a crap shoot.

Before day break we were rushing to take the boys for their walk - before they got soaked with some seriously cold rain - yep, we were not successful.  And the Gator does not like his old bones to be cold or wet.

Then rushing around to take down the outside decorations before the possible 2 - 4 inches of snow hits us after noon when the temps decide to drop dramatically. I did not want to be trying to take it all down in that kind of mess.

Soaking wet, freezing cold, and fingers slowly thawing out, the front of the house doesn't look like the holiday ever happened.   Although I did leave the sled and snowman sign up.  After all, they are predicting snow.

Hubs also worked on the Merc, we are selling the Divine Ms. Em... She's beautiful, I love her, but truth is Hubs hasn't been up to working on her for years now, so she sits and gathers dust in between her occasional baths and starts.  Not fair for that beautiful gal to be sitting, rotting.  I'm her second owner, she deserves better than two old ladies owning her.  

Besides we need two functioning cars.  These long days are kicking our bums.  Living so far from work now, it's not even feasible to come home when one of us has to be in early or stay late. It limits opportunities and causes stress we simply don't need or want.

Hubs is outside with the young man and his dad that are interested in buying her.  I've chosen to stay out of it.  I know it's the right decision, but it's still an emotional one.  After all, Hubs bought her for me on the grand baby's first birthday!  The young man looks like he would be a good owner for her.  I am someone that goes on emotion and feelings.  To see his face as he looked at her when I took the keys out there, he wasn't seeing her age and few flaws, he was seeing her potential and beauty.  We'll see... She might have a new home very soon...

I'd just gotten up for a cup of coffee as they arrived.  They were pulling up front as I looked out the back window and realized that yet again the weathermen might possibly need a new crystal ball.  The rain was supposed to go steady until after noon.  It's not even 10 and big fluffy snowflakes are already starting to fall. I am not sure we will get any accumulation, but I am going to enjoy hanging by the fireplace watching them fall.

Okay... so reevaluation of the weather again... Seems the weatherman that said to watch for hamster sized snow flakes was not exaggerating!  These things are huge!  Almost a full snow ball size.  I do believe it might accumulate.  Unbelievable!

It's been a busy week, and I am still trying to find my groove to get back to writing, my goal is to get back to daily.  It might take a bit, but I am working towards that goal.

Butternut Ginger Soup anyone?

I am working towards a lot of goals.  I feel like the first week of any changes are always the hardest. And we made it through week one with most of our new goals intact.  I didn't write everyday, but we didn't eat out once until last night.  When we went out for a delayed Christmas party (December got too busy and crazy). And it was the most amazing seafood I have had in the mid-west, fresh daily, and just downright amazing! A solid week of home cooked meals.  It's been a long time since that has happened.  I have taken steps towards some serious professional goals, and almost completed one wrister.  Need a set of double points in the right size, that magic loop thing seriously does not work on thumbs.

Well the snow is rapidly covering things, so I need to run out for more fruits, veggies and weekly supplies before the snow makes doing that not fun. In the thirty minutes since it started snowing it's already starting to accumulate... And I went for a walk in a windbreaker yesterday... gotta love the mid-west!

Everyone stay safe and warm...

Progress made...

My Friday Flowers... he loves me!

Coffee, check

Puffs, check

Throat lozenges... check...

So... it might appear that the reason I was so sluggish yesterday had more to do with the fact that I might be trying to get a cold, than with me being overwhelmed.

I can base this assumption on two pretty easy to recognize facts.

The first - I feel just plain gross! Watery, burning eyes, stuffy nose, sore throat - lets hope its really just a minor bout with allergies shall we?

The second - yesterday was incredibly productive!  At least until I started feeling like a truck ran me over.

I was all set to get ready for church with Hubs this morning when he pointed out my fellow parishioners might not appreciate the new year gift of a cold as he drew a steamy tub with eucalyptus and menthol in it. So diced up oranges, a big glass of tomato juice (okay so it was really a bloody mary, why suffer needlessly?) and a long soak in the tub and I finally feel semi- human.   Eyes are still blurry and energy level is a tad non-existent.

Talk about rotten timing. Tomorrow I go back to work and need to be at my best.  Might be time to break out the OJ.

Okay, enough whining!  It isn't helping in the least anyhow. I say lets celebrate some victories!

After bemoaning my inability to get anything done yesterday, I decided to buckle down and just do it (anyone else remember when that was Nike's tag line?).  As my kitchen island was covered with supplies for deodorant, bath soaks and some soap supplies it only made sense that was the logical place to start.

Deodorant ingredients

Chromebook open to recipe, ingredients at hand I decided to start with deodorant.  If you have never worked with shea butter (and I haven't) let me warn you now, its not only waxy, it's sticky.  Massive quantities of boiling water were required for clean up.

Melting the fats

Deodorant is surprisingly easy to make, and as Hubs is graciously willing to be a guinea pig for me also, we shall soon see how well it works.  One of our focus areas this year is to eliminate the massive amount of chemicals that seem to be in everything anymore.  If we can't pronounce it, know what it is, or it isn't safe to use in our cooking, it probably does not need to be in or on our bodies.

Cooling

This year is about detoxing! Luckily the lavender scent I selected is very faint so Hub's isn't going to walk around smelling like a flower.  I probably could have gone with a more neutral scent.  Next time.  I also need to start sourcing shea butter. I was lucky enough with all the natural markets around to find all the ingredients I didn't have on hand, but the shea butter was a bit too pricey locally to make this a cost effective endeavor.

Deodorant

Most of the recipes I found are incredibly similar, the one I chose to use was from the Live Simply Blog DIY - Homemade Deodorant with Lavender, just in case anyone wants to try it out.  While that mess in the bowl was melting down I took advantage of the time to whip up a lavender detox bath soak.  Again there area  ton of recipes, all basically the same.  That took minutes.  And if I hadn't needed something to clear my head I surely would have given it a try this morning.

I used a very basic mixture of 4 cups Epsom Salts, 4 cups baking soda, 20 drops of lavender essential oils and a handful of dried lavender flowers.  Mix it up, store it in glass jars and use 1 to 2 cups per bath (1/2 cup for kiddo's).

Salt and Soda

oil and flowers

Lavender Detox Bath

I might be on a bit of lavender kick... nah, truthfully it is a scent that I have always enjoyed.  For me it is calming. I will admit that I have discovered that soaking in epsom salts has made a huge difference in my health and I fully credit it for my knee doing so much better.

As that was all finishing up, I got busy playing with one of my new toys.  Hubs spoiled me rotten for Christmas, he shouldn't have, but I am so not complaining! (He says since he couldn't remember last Christmas he got to make up for it this year.) I am cheap, I completely admit it and own it. Proudly! There might be many things on my wish list, but I will rarely spend money on one.  One of the things that has been on there the longest is a high quality pressure cooker.  And NO I will never buy one used, I have heard too many horror stories.  Well that sweet man bought me one!  A really, really, really nice one.  In fact, there are two of them.

I love to cook.  And I far prefer to eat at home than ever eating out, but that little time factor always gets to me. I come home from work tired, I don't want to wait an hour or more for dinner. And while the crockpot is sometimes a viable option, my work schedule is very fluid, I don't work a set 8 hour day and with a total commute time of more than an hour, it makes it hard to find meals that want to cook for 12 hours.  Beans can only be eaten so much before you hate them.

Orange glazed candied sweet potatoes with our Honey Baked Ham

Close up of those potatoes... 10 minutes well spent!

Asian Chicken with home made root beer

And truth be told, my primary reason for never getting a pressure cooker is because I only wanted it to do my canning, and I haven't been doing much of that lately. Sure seemed like a lot of money to spend on something I rarely would use.

I have to share a secret... I am in LOVE with my new pressure cookers!  I never knew that you could use it for so many things. Or that actually prepping a meal would take longer than cooking it.  Or that it would taste so good!  I am getting ready to cook a butternut ginger soup for lunch.  I can't believe that in less than 30 minutes we will have something so tasty, nutritious and that doesn't have all the added chemicals in it.  I am going to be doing a lot more cooking at home!  Score another point for those 2016 goals.

I am not so sure he got it just for me.  As he's enjoying it as much as I am, he also got me a soda stream - love it!

I ended the day by finishing up the repairs on that one quilt.  I just took it out of the wash, I am actually hoping that is the reason that I am stuffed up and feeling puny (it had been stored for a bit) and I am highly susceptible to the molds and dust of time.  I can't wait to deliver it.  I felt the love the maker had for the one she made it for as I repaired those blocks.  Lots of loving has caused it to be worn and a bit tattered.  I even had to create a piece to fill a hole when on block had been lost along the way.  It is now solid, if a bit thread bare.  Sadly I cannot turn back the hands of time to restore it to brand new, but who would want to?  Who would want to remove the years of love and comfort?

bit by bit, stitch by stitch

Today will be slower, today will involve some resting and lots of fresh fruits and veggies.  I still need to be at the top of my game tomorrow, even if I don't feel up to it.