It's the little things...

The sounds of Looney Toons are echoing up the stairs.  It's a bit louder than I can take, one of the reasons that I am upstairs.  Two of my favorite people in the world are downstairs giggling, laughing and bouncing their little short attention spanned selves between cartoons and YouTube.  In a few moments I expect to hear Shake it Off yet again.

Grandpa is in his glory with his baby girl.  They are so close, he is always good for getting a giggle out of her. They make the perfect playmates.  Both of them love music and television.  Usually at a very loud volume. In all fairness Gramps is a bit hard of hearing.  Leftover from a stint in Vietnam.  The grand baby has a bit of hearing loss also, so it probably sounds perfectly normal to them both.  I love listening from a distance.  I am far too sensitive to sound to be able to join them, but I love hearing it, from a distance.

It's been a good day.  I was able to spend time with my favorite folks at work.  It was an odd day losing the internet and phone service for most of the day.  There was time for laughter and conversations.  For joy at what we get to witness and for silliness with members.  Lunch with friends, not what I packed, but a warm, greasy burger from Five Guys.  It was yummy.  Thanks Red!

A chance to "chat" with my son.  I am always so amazed watching him become such an incredible grown man.  Realizing that he doesn't need his mom any more, and that it's okay to simply love him for him.  I am slowly coming to grips with the fact that my children are adults now, that they do not need my arms wrapped around them in protection.  It's pretty cool.  I love that I can simply enjoy them, love them and celebrate them! I have not lost the irony that both of my kids are better off financially than I am, but that I still LOVE to send them a little card with lunch money in it.  They probably think I am a total nut case.  And honestly I am okay with that. It brings me great pleasure to send my boy a few dollars for burgers or my girl a Starbucks gift card.

And then home to my sweet grand baby and my boys!  Life is wonderful in its simplicity. I haven't gotten to enjoy that little angel for a few weeks.  Gramps had seen her, but she'd gone home before I got home from work.  Taking her out to Chick Fil A tonight, well that made my night.  She's so silly and fun.  A quick stop at the girl's, resulted in us finding our grandson still at home - he hadn't gone to his friends yet and we sure did scare him.  He's a good kiddo and that is the last thing I would want to do.  He couldn't have been too freaked out he wasn't willing to come home with us.

Foghorn Leghorn is still echoing up the stairs, I just helped that sweet angel make a small pot of hot tea.  She is a fan of Vanilla Rooiboos, and she's commandeered the little red and white tea cup and saucer that my son's sweet girlfriend gave me for Christmas.  Baby girl in the house, cup in her hand, it is what it is.

She and Grampa are enjoying their looney toons and I think Gramma is going to sit here and knit, it's been a week, and Friday finally got here...

as tear drops fall...

This morning in the darkness, I slipped on my glasses and picked up my phone.  It is my normal routine.  One that has years of fears and worries behind it.  I am always checking to see that my kids are fine, that my mom and dad are okay, and that while I slept those I love were safe as well.

In the darkness this morning, I saw a lovely picture of sweet Runner.  He crossed his finish line last night, he's now running free and unhindered, his sweet voice is echoing through the heavens I'm sure. No one heard him speak while he was here among us mere mortals, he words too precious to share.  I am sure last night when he ran across that finish line, his Uncle that loved and adored him here on earth was there with open and loving arms to catch him and welcome him to eternity.

With tears running down my face, my heart broken and soaring all at once, the big dog climbed up beside me to comfort me.  He'd heard me cry.

Last night the sunset that hubs and I saw was so brilliant, we didn't have a single camera capable of capturing the beauty.  It was breath taking.  I guess the angels were preparing the welcoming party to greet that amazing little man just a few hours later.

Not everyone believes in heaven, and that's okay.  I do.  I know in my deepest heart that there is an eternity waiting for each us, that includes our families and loved ones.  Our pets will join us, our hearts will be whole again.  And I really don't care if others don't feel that.  I won't judge them, I refuse to be judged by them.

As I slowly got ready to brave the day, and walk my boys in that wind that seemed to be trying to scour the earth, my heart was really heavy.  The wind reminded me so much of New Mexico and the horrid 7 months that my son and I lived there.  We hated it.  It was lonely, it was barren, and we were brutally unhappy. Those winds on the high desert blew the tumble weeds around so hard that everything was scarred from their existence.  That is how the morning felt today.  The winds were blowing trash cans, lawn decorations everywhere and scouring everything in their path.

Just like those winds healed my heart and striped away the callousness that could have formed I felt comfort from them today.  I never met Runner, his brother or father.  His mother is my friend.  Although it's been years since we've talked face to face.  And our friendship was built as part of a nine month class we shared.

She has impacted my life since before I met her.  She was asked to share her story at one of our Y functions, long ago.  I didn't know her, but her story touched my heart down to my very soul.  She proudly spoke of her precious Runner.  She shared with everyone the joys and sorrows of raising a special needs child.  She shared joyously the gifts he silently brought into her life and how she could never image her world without him.  Later we were in a class together, she was often on my teams, and her joyful attitude towards life made so many things a bit more worthwhile.

A bit later she had her second son, Dash.  It seemed the woman who could not possibly be any more joyful, giving, loving and buoyant had actually transcended even that level.  She lifts everyone around her.

Over the years, I have watched, celebrated and mourned with her as she and her precious family have endured more than most of us will ever have face.  Runner's illnesses, the loss of a cherished baby brother, and now Runner's final battle and the victory that waited for him.

In December I sat in the same building where I had first heard her speak, wishing she was there, missing the pureness she brought with her love of children and our mission.  Sadly, she'd left the Y a few years before and she was were she needed to be anyone, with her sweet little man.

As I have followed along at a distance, as I have prayed with them and for them.  As I have marveled at them, my life has changed.  I can't fathom their strength.  I can't imagine the depth of sorrow or the sheer pride of being the parents to such a wonderful life changing little boy.  He changed many lives, and never said a word.

Through their journey, they have made an impact on so many.  My faith is deeper, I am a deeply spiritual and faithful person. While I may struggle with man's church, God's love is the source of my own strength and energy.  I measure who I am, and my contribution to this crazy planet by a different measuring stick.  I often wonder have I earned the right to call her my friend, am I good enough?

The beauty of yesterday, has faded into a gray, windy, harsh day.  I think the earth is mourning the return of that petite little angel to the beauty of heaven.  We are all a bit paler for the loss...

I am going to ask everyone that reads this, to please send my dear friend and her family loving prayers, uplifting and positive energy.  They will need it.  Their Superman has gone home...

Wishing on the heavens...

It's quiet tonight, at least here in the Mid-West.  It's a night of waiting, watching and praying for so many. The east coast is bracing, seems there is quiet a storm heading their direction.  But here at home, it's quiet. The sunset tonight was calm and beautiful.  I find living out on the western side of St. Louis now, has given us the gift of some amazing sunsets.

Walking out along the ridge tonight walking the boys, I often find myself mesmerized by the view that waits for us. The cotton candy colored clouds, softly drifting, pull my attention their direction.

I am grateful for those sunsets, and the sunrises, they bring focus.

One of my friends is preparing to lose one of her babies to Heaven.  I can't even imagine the strength it takes to face that kind of loss with such graciousness.  Gracious, oddly accurate, oddly defining.  I am proud to know her, want to eventually meet her husband the one that writes of their sweet boy's journey so beautifully. I am praying.  For peace.  I am praying for healing for a family that has endured far too much.  I am praying their sweet son does not have to suffer for a prolonged amount of time.  He is precious.  Their youngest will be lost for a while, although he seems to be so much older than his little baby years.

As I struggle with the things that are making me cringe and I stare into the beautiful clouds I think of all the small things.  I start a mental catalog of all the things that I am blessed to have in my life.  It's not always been strawberries and whipped cream, there have been and still continue to be stumbling blocks and pain.  But in the grand scheme of things, my world is just alright.  I am okay.

I am still going to make some tough decisions this year, I might be charting a different path, but with age comes wisdom and I am okay with the changes I have in mind.  It isn't the end of the world, it's simply as the GPS says... rerouting.

Today started out so rocky.  My stress level was off the charts.  I really wanted, desperately, to curl back up in bed and go to sleep. I was done almost before I was all the way awake. Then I walked my boys with the hubs in a biting cold morning, looking up at the remaining stars blinking in the heavens, and the world started righting itself.

Later in the day, when stress and exhaustion were getting the best of me, I got the fluffy cotton candy puffy clouds in the middle of my sunset... who can stay stressed and exhausted.

Tonight as I sit here, it's been a long day, but a good one.  Today is also a dear, dear friends birthday.  I love it!  i can't wait to celebrate with her tomorrow.

Lose yourself in the sunrise and the sunset. It makes the day so much better... prayers for everyone in harms way.  Prayers for my dear friends.  Sleep is calling me...

As I toil...

It's a bit dark and dreary...

The sun is probably coming up... No beautiful sunrise today.  It's cloudy and overcast, and it's been raining all night.  Such a stark contrast to the sheer beauty of yesterday! Yesterday was a beautiful fall or spring type day, high 50's and just plain gorgeous!  Hubs and I were busy as can be.  We went back to Illinois.

I have to admit, I simply don't miss it.  Even on a beautiful day it was dreary and unwelcoming.  I don't miss the horrid traffic, the rudeness, there is very little I miss about there.  I will miss my yard in the spring, it was perfect for gardening.  I will not miss anything else.

Although we did make the best of the day.  Our twins had given me a gift card for Christmas a few years (yes, it really was 2012) to a local salon. I figured I should probably get around to using it, so while we were over there I made an appointment for a nice trim and a few pampering things.  It was so nice to be pampered for a bit, so much that I can't believe I waited quite so long to use it.  Hubby in typical fashion made friends with the gentleman working the counter and the stylist's next client while waiting.  Sharing coffee and cookies while being a patient loving husband.

His reward, okay mine too, was a visit to Shogun Steakhouse.  I have to admit they really rock the sushi, if you can truly call my favorites sushi (I don't care for any but the veggie).  And he loves their low mien with scallops.  It's probably one of my favorite places to go for really good Asian food.  It really was an awesome way to enjoy a late lunch/early dinner... well... until I discovered Hubs paid to have them celebrate my birthday. Seriously? I mean really?  Drums, a dragon, and a goofy headband with chop sticks.  I can't say I was pleased.  Mainly because my birthday isn't until August.  If he thinks I am going to spend this milestone birthday being embarrassed every time we go out, it's going to be a cook at home only kind of year!

If you know me, know anything about me, then you know I am the family introvert.  And you know I hate to be singled out for anything.  So. Luckily for him they were pretty darn empty at that time in the day.

That man... He's says it's because he loves me so much.  Personally I think he loves to see me turn a shocking shade of hot pink. I have agreed to a small party for my birthday - gives me 7 months to come up with an excuse to not allow it.  But humiliation every time we go out.  No, no, that isn't going to happen.

Today holds the usual cram everything that needs done in the weekend kind of stress.  I woke up so early and as my brain registered my lengthy to do list, I knew I wouldn't be going back to sleep. I gave up when the old pup almost pushed me out of bed wanting to snuggle closer and Hubs started talking.

It's a pot of coffee later and I've gotten two loads of laundry done and the thumb put on a mitten.  I am feeling that it's been a pretty productive morning.  And for all my fiber fanatic friends out there, if you have never knit or crochet with 100% baby alpaca yarn, you are completely missing out on an incredible experience! Make a hat, scarf, mittens... something! It's super soft and such a joy.

Hubs gave up and went back to sleep, who knows when he and the bed hog boy will wake up.  Probably long after me and big guy get back from our morning walk.  Eventually I think I will fix Sunday brunch and plan to complete all of my task list today.  Right now, functioning after a day at work is proving to be a bit of a struggle, so the majority has to happen on the weekends.  I envy those that are able to work part time... Ah a girl can dream...

I hope everyone is having an amazing day, I plan to.

Ugghhh...

First world problems... my darn phone is giving me fits.  I hate it!  I am not a techno geek, I do not keep up on the latest and greatest. I am pretty much old school central.  If I had a house phone and did not have an almost obsessive compulsion to always be available for my hubby,  kids and grand kids I am fairly positive I would just say toss it and forget it.

This makes me happy... phone... not so much

I dread when a phone starts to fail because that leads to a whole mess of problems that I absolutely do not want to deal with!  The first thing being finding a new phone.  Like I said, I do not keep up on the latest and greatest.  And can honestly say my first phone which was $49.99 is the most expensive phone I have ever bought.  I always search the site for those free to $.99 phones. I despise the thought of paying so much for a phone.  Especially when I already pay so much a month for the privilege of constant connection.

This is not a great start to my Friday.  It feels like just one more jab in my already cranky state about current affairs and life.  It's a stark reminder to me that I have allowed so many outside influences to intrude into my bubble.

So... do I need to go with a smart phone?  I will admit there are a few apps that have made my life easier, but they aren't really something I cannot live without.  I will also own up to the fact that I love having my camera ready at a moments notice, but I actually own two really wonderful camera's and could carry one with me without too many struggles. And truthfully does life really need to be recorded all the time? Probably the only thing I would really miss is the convenience of texting and connecting easily. I cannot stand texting on a flip phone... drives me crazy.

I am not an apple fan, which is why I do not own an iPhone, or an i-anything for that matter.  I had an iPod Nano that was given to me by the hubs as a gift... I can tell you that it was pretty much wasted money.  It's like new - probably used once or twice - I also cannot stand anything forcing music into my ears and I am not really sure where it is since we've moved.  He meant well, he was trying to make my bike rides more enjoyable.  He's the guy that needs constant sounds, so it's tough for him to relate to my need for silence.

So I am back at my original struggle... I will need to replace my phone, unfortunately as I still reside in this crazy, connected, communicative world I require one.  I need it for work, I want it to be connected to my family and friends.

I don't know what kind, style or well anything else.  I simply know it is a need that I will have to face.  Once I have faced it and made that ugly decision then comes the tough part.  Learning a new phone!!  I hate technology.  Hubs will be a doll and print me out the users manual, he will probably email it to me also.  I won't read it.  I will look up the key things I need to know.  I won't care about all the bells and whistles or the fact that it can do somersaults if I train it right (okay I admit that is a bit snarky)...  Why can't they make a smart phone for people like me.  I am not going to ever use most of the stuff it comes loaded with.  I want my basics, the stuff I need daily.  The rest of it, no thanks.

I don't want to play games on my phone.  I don't need an app for every aspect of my life.  I want my address book, my Facebook, my banking, my work stuff, my crafting stuff and that is about all I need. Oh I guess I do adore Google maps... I can honestly tell you there is stuff on my phone I have never once considered opening, don't know how it works and don't intend to learn.  That is simply how I am.

In my world, in my first world kind of problems, this is a disaster!  It will require far more effort than I want to give it.  And far more energy that I feel like wasting.  Why can things simply not be made to last? I have socks that I wear constantly, that I knit with great care that have lasted longer than a cell phone does.

This gray overcast day goes very well with my mood over this latest development... Well if you are trying to reach me by cell phone for the next little bit... please be aware the silly thing might not be working... you might need to try a different method.

Do you know where you're going to?

Monday...

I feel we seriously need to reevaluate our relationship.  Heck even the sun does not seem too happy to see you.  I am sitting here with my coffee wondering if the sky plans to ever lighten today.  I vaguely see a hint to the east, but I really have to struggle to see it.

I don't feel like having a relationship with you any longer, and I feel that is so unfair to both of us.  Monday, you should be bright and bold, daring me to take on new challenges and adventures.

Instead, you are tired and dreary.  Pleading with me to climb back in bed and close my eyes. Steal a few more precious winks.

What kind of motivation is that?

Yesterday was a mixed bag of tricks.  It was filled with tasks, some successful, some not so much.  So many household chores accomplished.

Sewing room mostly finished

All set up and ready to go

only 5 pieces?

My attempt at bra making... well, lets just say I will need to purchase more supplies.  It's a beautiful bra, but I need to re-evaluate my measurements.  Evidently, I am not so great with numbers and understanding a different sizing system.  Before making the next one, I will definitely be in touch with the instructor for some clarification as to the direction I need to go with attempt number 2.  I feel confident it will be a successful endeavor, I just feel I need a bit more guidance before proceeding.  It isn't the most inexpensive fabric in the world and I already have a nice collection of bra's that do not fit the way I want, why would I want to expand that collection?

I did it!  Evidently for someone else...

I never did quite get Gator's coat done, but that is okay, I will work on it after work this week and hopefully get it finished before the weather decides to take a dip into the cold temperatures again.  It's only the beginning of the third week in January, only a fool would believe these mild temperatures are going to last the rest of the winter.

My doting assistant,,,

I didn't sleep well last night.  The seven hours I had spent carefully crafting my first bra ended up as a learning experience only - and I don't like to devote that many hours with nothing to show for it.  That's okay, it's also a lesson I need to learn - patience.  So for hours my brain twisted and twirled trying to resolve the steps needed to make it work.  On top of that Hubs and I had a disagreement about how to deal with an issue last night.  His temper flared, I disagreed... reason number two for no sleep.

Now it's Monday.  I don't want to face it, deal with it, or even make it's acquaintance.  I don't feel like dealing with any of it.  As I walked the Neeks this morning, I didn't even find myself day dreaming.  Just staring up at those brilliantly lit stars and wishing it was still the weekend.

I read a meme on Facebook the other day.  It said "don't repeat the same year over for 75 times and call it a life." Is that what I have been doing?  Am I stuck in an uncomfortable comfort zone and too unsure and afraid to walk a bit further out there?  Where is that Monday that is going to invigorate me?  That will wake me up saying "game on"?  

I don't understand...

What a beautiful day, the sunshine, the soft breeze, the fun times running errands with hubby.  It was the perfect kind of day for kicking back and just enjoying time.  

Funny watching hubs and I walking.  My left knee/ankle is giving me fits again (they never did figure all of it out - partially torn Achilles and 6 months in a walking boot - never did make it go away), so I am favoring my left leg.  He is doing so much better, but when he starts getting tired he favors the right. We strongly resembled a pair of webbols wobbling along as we got tired.  

Between his cabin fever and my desire to get all the errands done so I can stay at home in my jammies all day yesterday we probably pushed ourselves a bit much.  As he's already headed to bed, yes it is 7:30 pm and I am sitting here with my poor leg elevated and it cussing me.  

The past week was a tough one, it has led to many thought processes and action steps that will cause changes.  They have to.  So today was about catching up.  Planning. And enjoying quality time with the hubs!

As we watched the sun setting tonight marveling at all the different colors in the sky, depending on which way we turned. To the east... gorgeous pinks, against the Aegean blue, punctuated by the snap of the flag waving in the wind. A turn to the west showed us a display of deep orange shooting up like a flame against the darker clouds rolling in. It was a spectacular end to our travels today. 

By the time we got home hubs was hungry.  Being exhausted I suggested tomato soup and grilled cheese, who doesn't love that combo.  The staple of our youth, perfect for a crisp day.  Wrapped in the nostalgia of the day, the cool breezy air, the silliness with hubby, it seemed perfect. 

As I washed the soup down the sink, my disappointment knew no boundaries. What in the world has happened to Campbell's tomato soup?  I will be depositing quite a few cans at the local food pantry.  When did it become orange?  That color was beautiful in the sunset, it is awesome in a beautiful orange, a mango or papaya, I love it in butternut squash, cantaloupe, sweet potatoes or pumpkin .  But tomato soup?  I am sorry, but no, it is not a color for tomato soup.  As we both looked at the mess in our bowls, wondering where our childhoods went, we decided to look at the label.  

Mistake number two. Tomato paste concentrate?  High Fructose Corn Syrup?  Neither of those instilled confidence. All those things I couldn't pronounce... well my heart sure was sinking lower. When I hit the word "flavor", I realized I was done.  What kind of flavor do you feel you need to add to tomato soup? Shouldn't the tomato's provide the flavor? The picture on the label showed a deep rich looking red soup, my bowl contained an orange flavorless blah.  I was done. 

I've given up tonight.  I fed the dog, yes miss b "your dog", my grilled cheese - what's the point without a warm tomato soup to dip it into.  Refilled my water, popped a couple of Aleve hoping it takes some of the ouch out of that knee and lower leg before I growl anymore.  And sat down.  I wasn't really hungry, after those few bites I really am not hungry. It's time to search for a great tomato soup recipe.  Sure wish that little shop on Washington Ave was still in business, theirs was the best.  Although tonight its time to simply stop.  I will go to bed shortly.  My silly body is hurting, my mind might love the temperature swings, my FMS does not.  The exhaustion of the week has worn me out.  I believe I will wake up and try to face a different day tomorrow....