Sunday, November 3, 2013

Why yes I will have cheese...

With my whine... I don't usually whine, but today... Today I am going to!  Since March 17, 1997 I have lived with pain.  I don't usually complain about it, give in to it, nor even acknowledge it.  That would give it more power than it deserves and I will not do that.

There are times I might cringe when touched, because there are times that the slightest touch is more than I can stand.  I will wear clothing that is loose and flowing, because I simply cannot stand to feel anything against my very tender skin.

There are times that just the thought of moving is more than I can take. And there are times that simply remembering how to spell my name takes a great deal more than I can manage. There are days that I cannot bear to lift my arms or move my legs.  When my sight is bothered and even my hair hurts.  There are days that any sound at all is almost too much and will make every fiber of my being feel electrified, when light is simply too much.

There are times when I simply do not have the energy to consider moving and can fall asleep in a moments time.  When the exhaustion is so great that there is no amount of coffee that will keep me alert and sleeping for days won't help either.

Mostly it is small things, usually one at a time, things that are easier to mask with a smile and laugh.  I know that my body cannot take too much, I know that lack of sleep will make me suffer.  I know that drastic weather or time changes are not a good combination for me.

Today... well today I want to whine... because today has been a struggle.  There was stress involved in yesterday.  And stress is like a magic bullet for me.  Hubby does so much to help me be stress free, I am fairly certain that is why I don't suffer as much as I used to... Today has been a really tough one.

It started out fairly good, quilting time and hubby took me to work the long way on the back of the Harley!  Sunshine, beautiful colors a perfect mix of peace and beauty.  I was short a staff person, so I spent most of my day taking care of that kind of stuff.  That was when I realized the day was sliding off the cookie, so to speak. The aches started washing over me.  Uh Oh!  If I were home that would have been the signal to call it quits for the day, but I wasn't, so I kept moving forward.

Then I started struggling to remember, numbers, things I was doing.  I couldn't remember for a minute how to operate the elevator... and I was giving a tour.  Yikes! The concentration involved to make it through was enough to give me a headache.

I hate when it happens, it is annoying, terrifying, painful, and just plain unpleasant.  I should have known, I should have altered things.  I know what "controls" it, I know what makes it angry and ugly.  I wasn't paying attention.  Drastic temperature swings, "falling" back, stress, long week... stupid, really, really stupid!

There were bright spots, I got to see Super S's quilt, she is unbelievably amazing.  I was able to fix all the spelling and math errors as my brain was clearing. By the end of the day when hubby picked me back up for a motorcycle ride home I was feeling a bit less unsteady.  As the sun shone down on me and I was able to absorb the beauty all around me, I could at least feel the fog leaving.  The pain is still there, the overwhelming exhaustion, but it is fading a bit.  I am sure that after some sleep it will mellow, maybe not completely, but enough to allow me to function for the next five days. 

Five days, that is all I have to make it through.  Then I will be able to rest for a few.  It will make a difference.

Thank you for letting me whine a bit... and for serving the cheese... I don't often let it get to me, today it did.